{"id":1756,"date":"2017-11-12T21:57:49","date_gmt":"2017-11-12T20:57:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/plume.dk\/blog\/?p=1756"},"modified":"2017-11-12T21:57:49","modified_gmt":"2017-11-12T20:57:49","slug":"spiral-tap","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/plume.dk\/blog\/?p=1756","title":{"rendered":"Spiral Tap"},"content":{"rendered":"

You’re never going to have a world without burglars. And there’s no lock so strong it can’t be broken somehow. That doesn’t mean you don’t lock your door at night.
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nHeroin addicts don’t care about drug laws. So I guess there’s no reason to restrict access to heroin.
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI hope your today will be a good today. Here is Magnethe with her 3 little babies. Springbok, Mandela and Natal. They came around the same time when Mathilde had Vanilje, Nougat and 3B. So we had 6 goat kids running around and 3 adults. That was pretty amazing.
\n<\/a>
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nGood goat times today. The fence work seems to be all done. The goat pen is back in action. Of course, it’s full of mud. Horses, machines and rain has taken it’s toll. I took the goats out on the grounds for a while and walked around with them. A lvoely, sunny day. But a very cold morning. After a while we went in the goat pen. I think it may have been their first time back there since the work began weeks ago. They aren’t too crazy about the mud of course. And I’m not too crazy about the fact that there is no longer a passage from the goat pen to the horse pasture. I will miss the freedom of being able to go back and forth. I’ll probably still take the goats into the horse pasture next spring, though. We’ll see. But it’s nice that I can leave the goats in the pen when I leave now. Even though Mia still hollers after me when I go.
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nBack in the pen. Spot the Mio.
\n<\/a>
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nSo I came home from the goats and was feeling pretty alright. Then I turned on the TV and there was Trump.
\nCan you guess where this is going?
\nSpoiler space, because negative, divisive political content. And lots of harsh swearwords. I mean a lot. Offensive quantities. I may lose friends over this, but hey just telling it like it is.
\n.
\n.
\nSo, first off. Donald Trump is a piece of shit. A fucking piece of shit. I have never been so close to using the C word about a person.
\nIf it offends you that I need to use language like that or have opinions like that, then I understand if you have to unfriend me. No hard feelings.
\nIt’s not like it matters, since everyone reading this has already made up their minds that either they agree with me or that I’m a liberal snowflake dirty foreigner with fake news opinions. But I need to lance the boil.
\nI’m going from memory here, because I cannot stand to watch it again.
\nOkay. “It’s not a gun issue, it’s mental health issue”. Then why the fuck are you gutting your healthcare system? Why are you desperate to take healthcare away when you can’t get votes for a replacement?
\n“There are lots of mental health problems in the US, but also in other countries. “Then why the fuck is it just America that has constant mass shootings?
\n“Thank god there was a good guy with gun? “PEOPLE WERE MURDERED IN A CHURCH. Kids. That’s what the good guy with a gun system means? Twenty something dead is a happy ending?
\n“It’s too soon to talk about it right now”? How many fucking hours did it take for you to get on twitter and vomit about extreme vetting and divertify visas when it was a muslim? Including a fucking fake news lie about Schumer.
\nAnd that’s as far as I got because I had to turn off the TV. That fucking sack of shit in a suit isn’t fit to run a country, let alone a casino. He’s not worthy to lick Obama’s feet. And while I’m not the biggest Hillary fan in the world, she’s a thousand times the man and woman that Trump will ever be. Bone fucking spurs. Way to fucking honour your country. Is there anyone on his staff that DOESN’T have ties to Russia?
\nI’m happy to have Republican friends, and I understand why you have to vote for him because of politics. But if you think Donald Trump is a good person then why, as I have asked before, would you want to be friends with someone like me? If you’re a Trump supporter you’re supposed to boycot Star Wars and all Hollywood movies and authors and all music except I guess country and kid Rock? And you should boycot me too. Put your money where your mouth is. I think Donald Trump is one of the worst things that has happened to the western world in recent times, worse than terrorist attacks and earth quakes. So how can you be friends with me? I totally understand if you can’t. I wish I could unfriend me too. Or mute the voices in my head.
\nJust to be clear, I do agree with the voices in my head who are all talking about all the many, many, many things that are wrong with Trump and his moronic empire of nepotism and corruption and treachery.
\nSo now I’m going to go try to calm down and wait for the Navy Seals to come take me out. I hope someone will dedicate a golf trophy to my memory. And a 21 paper towel salute at my funeral.
\nJust when you think you’re out, they drag you back down in the swamp.
\nI do am sorry, but I also do am not sorry. And I do am not promising to not do it again. In case you couldn’t tell, my meds aren’t really doing it for me right now. And I can’t tell if it’s because it’s not the right type\/dosage or if it’s… everything. Yogi, politics, terrorism. Got a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to talk about the meds. But unless she prescribes unlimited amounts of morphine then I’ll probably get enraged again the next time I turn on the news. Simplify your life, unfriend people like me. Stick with the goat page, I’ll keep politics off from that.
\nSnowflakenews out.
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIt’s been a weird day. I’m going to go to bed early and dream it all away. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But there you go. I love and appreciate you all, whether you agree with me or not. Even though I’m the one who’s right, of course. That’s a given. I am after all a flawless being. I guess my only weakness is that care TOO much. Oh and also the blindness, grotesque physical appearance, severe mental disturbance, low IQ, mediocre spatial awareness, the diabetes, the almost fanatical denial of culpability and of course my complete lack of understanding of human beings and all of their desires and needs and behaviour.
\nWell, I’m not here to make friends. And I’m not here to make enemies. I’m here to make goats. Tiny, little papier mach\u00e9 goats. They are all called Eric.
\nSometimes when you’re balancing on the edge of a cliff it’s hard to find the strength to help pull others back to safety with you.
\nHere’s a goat photo.
\nWhen you see me again I won’t be me. I’ll be that guy.
\n<\/a>
\n6\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nHey guys. I seem to have blacked out yesterday. Did anything important happen? Anything I should know about? No? Cool. Anyway, I hope your today will be a good today. Happy Yogi day. Be the Yogi.
\n<\/a>
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nWe have ahieved pizza. All glory to the hypno toad. We are as one. We eat the pizza. All glory to the hypno toad.
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nWhat the duck?!
\n<\/a>
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI appreciate the effort, uncle. But wouldn’t it be better to just get rid of the mud?!
\n<\/a>
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI forgot to mention that I had foot therapy last week. Notable because for the third year running my feet had improved in the sensitivity test. So that’s good news. Feet are a point of concern for diabeticons. This year I tested so good that I no longer qualify for 8 yearly therapy sessions. But that’s okay because I was already only going for 4 a year, which is what I qualify for now. I never felt that I needed more. Always nice to see improvement, though.
\nIt’s funny, I still get nervous when I get the yearly test. Even though it’s not a test you can really fail or pass. It’s to measure the sensitivity in your feet. The right answer is.. the answer you get. But I still feel pressure to do as well as possible. Nothing is ever simple when you have an impaired brain. I got mine second hand at the local Goodwill. I have to turn it off and on again a couple of times a day but other than that it runs pretty salmon.
\nMy least favourite part of the foot test (other than having to spend more than an hour in a chair) is the hot\/cold test. You have this little metal rod that is cold in one end and hot in the other. And then the therapist touches your foot once with each end and you have to correctly identify the order. I have a real problem telling apart hot and cold on my feet. Maybe I should try walking on coals for money? If my second hand brain doesn’t hailbut to that.
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nTop tip: When you’re editing video footage of a rooster repeatedly crowing, make sure to turn up the volume so your neighbours know what you’re doing.
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nHave I told you lately that I love you, and goats?
\n<\/a>
\n7\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI’m not going to go on another political rant. I just want to calmly note that as of today America is the only nation on Earth not to join the Paris climate agreement. Whatever you think about whatever politics. If you love animals, think about the climate. They need it, we need it. Is literally EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH wrong about this?
\nThat is all. No worries. It’s not like it matters, we’ll all be dead before anything catastrophical happens, and our kids will probably enjoy life on the offworld colonies.
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI hope your today will be a good today. Happy hump day, guys.
\n<\/a>
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI’m not politically knowledgeable enough to know if yesterday’s voting will make a difference in the big picture, but it’s been nice to look at twitter this morning and not want to gouge my eye out. Here are just some of the names that made me happy.
\nDanica Roem
\nAndrea Jenkins
\nRavi Bhalla
\nElizabeth Guzman
\nHala Ayala
\nTyler Titus
\nLaWana Mayfield
\nLydia Lavelle
\nJenny Durkan
\nMelvin Carter
\nAlso made me happy to look at the trumpet’s tweets and see him fully endorse a candidate one moment and then disown him when he loses the next. Such class and statesmanship. You know you can trust a man who tells it like it is, and then tries to rewrite history when he loses bigly. I’m glad he took time out for that in his busy schedule of promoting his golf courses in South Korea. Either a horrible wikipedia reading or a saluted leader of the free world speech. You get to decide, just click the right hashtag. Don’t forget to buy a golden shovel.
\nYeah, yeah. No more political posts. Today. Probably. Maybe.
\nIt’s slippery in here.
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nYogi’s rocks are in good hooves again.
\n<\/a>
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nThat thing when you keep melting down. Thank god I’m not a nuclear plant. Otherwise the liberal socialists would be trying to shut me down. How I learned to relax and love the bomb. In the future everyone will have 15 minutes of radiation. Here’s to the coal in our stockings.
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nA positive frame of mine
\n<\/a>
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIt’s not actually time for a goat flashback, but I need me something to get me through the rest of the day. Here’s an old favourite of Mads. It’s a picture of a photo that was hanging in the playground offices. Taken when Mads was young, before I got to know him.
\n<\/a>
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI DID NOT EAT THOSE PANCAKES
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIf you can’t take me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.
\nI’m not sure if it was Taylor Swift or Hitler who said that. But anyway. Not feeling my best. I wish I had one of those Men In Black mindwipers so I could just wipe a day away if I wasn’t happy with it.
\nAlso something that works like for calories. And don’t say exercise. That word is banned and punishable with pies in the face. And not the edible kind. It’s supposed to be a punishment. So it’ll be prop pies.
\nDamnit, now I want pies.
\nMaybe I can dream one up. Can you tulpa food?
\n8\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nLet’s try this again. I hope your today will be a good today. This is Tulle. I only knew her for a very short time. I believe she was Mathilde’s sister. She came to stay with us for a little while during a breeding season. So I don’t really have many memories of her, but I appreciate all the goats that have played a part in my story.
\n<\/a>
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nGood goat times today. Cold and grey. Now the walk to the goats is starting to be less pleasant. And the struggle to find proper attire begins. Too much and I get sweaty from the walk. Too little and I get cold sitting outside for hours. Today I did not hit the right result. So I got too cold. Had to cut my goat time shorter than I’d like. I guess I’ll have to get out the winter coat from now on.
\nBut the goat time is always good. Mousy meowing in the morning. The girls panicky flight from a garbage truck. A mother with some little children feeding apples to the goats. Smooches and treats. I need to focus my attention more to that place or I’ll lose my mind.
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>‘
\n—
\n.
\nTop of the world, ma.
\n<\/a>
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIt’s funny, the click clacks of the keyboard makes me feel like a leet hacker, even when I’m just typing stupid pizza jokes on Facebook.
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nWhen you’re hiding from the neighbours but you forgot to close the curtains.
\n<\/a>
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nGot a long rant brewing in my head about Trump and Weinstein and men and women and predators and locker room talk. But I guess I’ll give you guys a break and not clickclack it on the typing machinery. You’re welcome. I will also give myself a break. A little vacation to dreamland. I hear it’s nice there this time of always.
\nDoing better today than I was yesterday. So that’s something. I’m turning into that old crank that you have to hide the newspapers from, aren’t I? Only it’s the twitter instead of the newspapers. I blame the demicrats and the repurplicans. The government wants to take my happy pills and my boner pills and my make-steak-taste-better pills. And the nurse is stealing my loose change. ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT ME?! Let me get my hearing aid. Don’t breathe so loudly.
\n
\n9\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI hope your today will be a good today. Here’s a flashback to 2006. When we had six goat kids. Vanilje, Nougat, 3B, Mandela, Natal and Springbok. Along with mommas Mathilde and Magnethe and hellraiser Mads. Nine goats. That must be the most we ever had.
\n<\/a>
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI am really sad to hear about Louis CK. He was my favourite comedian. His show was one of my very favourite comedies. It’s the first time I’ve wanted to say “No, it’s not true. It can’t be”. But you know. Of course it can. I have no reason to doubt the victims and just because I loved Louis CK doesn’t mean he couldn’t have done it. I mean, if Bill Cosby could do it, who couldn’t.
\nThis really forking socks.
\nEspecially for the victims. At least all this stuff is coming out now. And the perpetrators (at least the ones in Hollywood…) are suffering consequences. So maybe things will be different in the future.
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIn your face.
\n<\/a>
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nYou know that scene in Home Alone where Kevin has those cutout people and moves them around to make it look like there’s a party in his house? I need something like that to make the pizza guy think that he’s delivering to multiple people and not just me. The old “Look back over your shoulder and pretend to talk someone else in the house” isn’t cutting it anymore.
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nHere’s another goat flashback. To a more recent time.
\nYou guys know I love Mia and Mio more than anything in my life. But I sure do miss this girl. When I come back from a goat trip and look through the hundreds of photos on my camera. I miss her beautiful colours. And her goofy face. She was good at that. Either stunningly beautiful. Or wonderfully silly. While Mia and Mio are both very beautiful to me, they are also both very… white. And I have spent so many years with them. They’re like a part of me. Yogi was like a surprise, a welcome one. New and fresh and colourful.
\n<\/a>
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nFrankly my dear
\n<\/a>
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nIs it worth tearing your hair out for a lost cause?
\nI’m asking for a friend who isn’t bald.
\n10\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nI hope your today will be a good today. Here’s another one of the six goat babies.
\n<\/a>
\n11\/11 2017<\/a>
\n—
\n.
\nHalloween goatlog
\npart 1
\n