So here it is, merry christmas! <\/p>\n
Oh wait. That was last week, right? Yes. So today is the 31st of December, as late as it gets. Right now there are three hours left of the year. Outside it sounds like the war on christmas has turned into the war on new years and everyone is fighting it with explosives.<\/p>\n
I’m not a fan of fireworks. Ever since that new years eve many years ago when my neighbour Cliff threw firecrackers in my boot and I spent the night in the hospital. And the next month getting acid treatment on the wound. <\/p>\n
And now for weeks the neighbourhood kids have been running around shooting bombs. I think fireworks would be a lot more special if we just had the traditional shootings after midnight. When all the families on the block gather and shoot of the grand fireworks. Instead of all these weeks and days of minor explosions. And you know that those darn half-criminal teenagers are just doing it because they like to scare people and play with fire. There is no romance.<\/p>\n
Anyway. Every year I talk about how I don’t really like fireworks and for some reason no one ever listens. You’d think by now the world would have catered to my demands. Maybe next year.<\/p>\n
So 2005. It’s been a big year for me. In fact the last couple of years have been huge. So much has happened. My life has changed a lot. From isolated, bitter depression to hope and progress. I must remember to be thankful for that.<\/p>\n
The year didn’t start off well though. I went to the Netherlands and broke up with Skye. My first and only ex. It looked like it was going to be a very bad year. But I think I’m lucky that my medication kicked in soon after that. My depression went away. Skye was still my friend. Therapy started. Group sessions followed. I started feeling at home at work. I started going to the playground regularly and found happiness with the animals. Magnethe was born, the most wonderfully cute little goat kid. Going to concerts. Meeting Tina. I got surgery I wanted. In many ways it has been a very good year. I got my own domain too. Back in April. I can’t believe it’s been so long. I am happy with it. Happy with you guys who support me. I have a lot to be thankful for.<\/p>\n
And that’s important to remember. I have had some mood swings the last month or so before my vacation started. Some depression. I even had a night where I seriously thought about suicide. Not in the way that I was going to do it just then, but in the way that I was seriously thinking about what methods would be best and so on. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do it. But I was having some downtime. So it’s important for me to remember how much progress I have made, how much better my life has become. And I have to hang in there.<\/p>\n
2006 will be very important for me I think. It will probably be the year that makes or breaks me. Will I overcome my problems and get a real life? Or will I give up and fade away? I have some big steps to take. Mainly because I have to take them on my own. The continued fight against phobia has to be fought without the help of the group therapy. I have to move out and take responsibility for my own life. Make it on my own. That scares me. I guess I feel very insecure about doing it all on my own. It’s easier when you have someone to tell you what to do, to guide you. Now I have to stand on my own two legs. And I am worried that I might fall.<\/p>\n
But if I can do it then I think I can have a pretty okay life. I might never have a huge group of friends, I might never love big social gatherings. But I think I can get to a place where I am happy. I just have to keep working for it.<\/p>\n
And I guess that’s my new year’s resolution. To keep working on things.<\/p>\n
That concludes 2006. I have procrastinated so much that there is now only one hour and 12 minutes left of the year. I hope you will all have a safe and happy eve. And I hope 2006 will bring you you good things. As far as I am concerned you all deserve the best.<\/p>\n