So, on Tuesday I went back to the playground. A week after Magnethe’s death. I wanted to write about it sooner, but I was feeling kinda sad and unmotived for a while. Not constantly, though. Just at times. Mostly I’ve been pretty good. But writing about it just didn’t come to me, for some reason. But I’ll give it a go now.

I was nervous about going back. I thought perhaps a week was too soon, but I’ve been dealing with things okay I thought and I really missed spending time with goats. So I wanted to go. I was afraid it would be horribly sad and I wouldn’t be able to find happiness there again. But of course there is happiness. Where there are goats there is happiness. At least for me, that is mostly the case. And as soon as I saw the goats I felt better. And relieved. The first one I saw was Kamel. In the paved courtyard. I went over and said hi to her and around the corner came the rest of the goats. They had escaped, again. Mio came runnig with her leash after her. Dragging the metal plug, clanking on the pavement. Kamel didn’t even have a leash. Nina came by and asked if I’d seen her leash. Nope. I’ve seen goats pull the plug out of the ground plenty of times but I’ve never seen them get their leash off their collar on their own. Where there’s a goat, there’s a way. But it was just wonderful to see them again. Everyone seemed to be doing fine. Bob’s tail was pointing to the sky and he seemed happy. He was chasing a white rabbit around. Maybe I should call him Alice?

Nina came and we took the goats over to the little cloverfield. Mio didn’t want to go at first though. Nina tried to drag her by the leash, but she was having none of it. She was really digging her heels in and refusing to move. If you have handled goats I’m sure you know how stubborn they can be. So she was standing her ground. Until Nina gave me the leash, and then Mio just started walking with me. So that made me feel all special. Until we were halfway there and she stopped again and refused to move. Silly goat. But then Nina came with the other goats and Mio was persuaded to come with us. And tnen I sat in the cloverfield with them for a good, long while. It was grey and it rained a little bit at times. No weather for goats. But it was alright. It was a sweet, quiet time. And I enjoyed their company. It was odd, though. Not having Magnethe there. She was such a big lady, in more ways than one. Huge and dominating and just commanding attention. There is a big hole left there. It obviously did not feel right. I especially missed hearing her call out when spotting me. She would always baah at the slightest sign of me. With that loud, powerful voice. I will miss that a lot.

At one point I was looking up at the grey sky and I was just imagining her face there, superimposed over the entire skyline. Watching us. A little over the top image. But I’d like to think she was looking down on us. Watching her boy. And me. Looking out for us.

I don’t know if it has completely sunk in that I’m never going to see her there again. It’s just a weird and horrible thought. I suppose with time that will be come inescapable. Right now it feels likes he’s still going to be there next time. She’s going to come back. But I know she won’t. It will take some time for that to settle in my mind. For the new reality to set in. The new order, at the playground. I guess Mio will become the leader. At least until Bob is bigger. Right now the buck, Preben, is in charge. To be honest I wouldn’t mind if he left soon. He’s a sweet goat, but as long as he is there it’s harder for me to get one-on-one time with Bob. They don’t get along, so when Preben is near me Bob will walk away. I love Bob. He’s Magnethe’s boy and he is so handsome. And the first goat boy that I get to see actually grow up. I would like to try to get a strong bond with him. So I hope Preben will be leaving soon. He’s been at the playground for a long time, I think his job is well done. Maybe we’ll get to see him again some day in the future.

Just sitting there with the goats cleared away a lot of the fear. Some of the sadness. Although it brought new sadness too. But it was good. It was nice to see Nina and Sigrid too. Sigrid was on the phone when I was leaving so I didn’t really get to talk to her. Nina asked me how I was doing. I just stammered that I was doing okay. I’m not good at talking, especially not about feelings. But I know they know how hard it’s been for me.

I only went that one time this week. I do want to go more to the playground, but it’s still a little much. A little fresh. So I’ll take my time getting there.

Mostly, generally, I have been doing okay. The really powerful sadness has been isolated into incidents. I’m getting happier and trying to get back into a more positive frame of mind and keeping up with Project Self Embetteringment, as I have now dubbed it. It’s coming along, slowly but surely. Where it will take me, nobody knows.

I took some photos at the playground. They are in the photo album:plume.dk/pics/thumbnails.

I especially like this one of Bob poking his tongue out:

Cutiepie.

I also made a video. You can see Bob chasing the white bunny. And also Preben duelling the branches and bushes.

Focusing on the good things. That’s going pretty well.

I hope you are all well out there. As always, I appreciate the support. And especially the people who have gotten to know Magnethe through me. That is one of the things that makes me most happy. Sharing my goat friends. Even if I have to force them on people! I have had a couple of people tell me that I have helped them get to know or appreciate goats more after getting to know me, and that just makes me happy. Thank you for the patience and attention. We’re none of us alone, or perfect.

Almost a week has passed now. I guess I’m doing pretty good. I think I was lucky to get that silly idea of bettering myself in my head. That has helped me keep a positive and hopeful outlook. Coupled with moments of great grief of course. Whenever I think about Magnethe.

But I’m not completely crushed, so that’s good. This is probably the optimal way for me. That I got to spend time with her before and after her passing. And that I’m letting myself grieve but also looking forward. With things to occupy my mind. Changing things in my life. And working on a goat tribute. I have meant to do that before. I even got the domain for it. But then I let it expire and never did anything, it was just another one of those fancy ideas that fell by the wayside. But now that Magnethe is gone I am determined. Because they deserve a tribute site. And also for my own sake. My memory is so bad, the memories of goats gone by are blurring in my head. Whose kids were they and when was that one born and so on and so forth. I want a permanent record. Of all the goats I’ve known. A family tree of goats. It won’t be of much interest to anyone else, but to me it will be important. I only have to sort through a few thousand pictures and videos…. but I’ll get it done. Katt is being nice enough to help me get it set up. And generally all the support and comfort I have gotten has been another one of the things that have helped me stay afloat. I know a lot of good people. That is one thing that has changed much to the better compared to my past. People and goats.

I have managed to keep exercising. And eating salad. Even though I allowed myself a couple of days of unhealthy junk. But I have not allowed myself to sink too far down. So that’s good.

I have had a couple of goat dreams. One good and one bad. The first one was bad. A couple of days after Magnethe died. I dreamt about her. But she was dead in the dream too. In fact there were two of her. She was there both as an adult and as a kid at the same time. But both of her had been murdered. I guess it’s natural to have a bad dream about the situation. I had been hoping for a dream visit from her. Maybe it was too soon for her to really visit. Maybe she hadn’t fully transitioned to the great grass field in the sky. Maybe she could only appear as dead. Or maybe it was just the trauma seeping from my subconscience. I don’t know. A couple of days later I dreamt that I was hiding from gangsters. Trying to be quiet. And then a herd of goats came running down the street towards me. With Mads at the forefront. I was hugging him but then I woke up in the middle of it all. I don’t know if Magnethe was in the flock. But I’d like to think she was. Or maybe she sent Mads to cheer me up. Who knows.

Maybe it is silly to be talking about dead goats visiting in dreams. But there’s a reason most religions have some kind of heaven or afterlife. I think humans have a great need for that sort of thing. Because otherwise this is all we have. This earthly vacation. And it’s a little bit unbearable to think that there is no greater point. That our existence is just random. That there is nothing waiting for us afterwards. And all the people we have lost are just gone. We need to know that they are in a better place and that we’ll get to see them again. And well, the goats are that important to me. I want them to be in a better place and I want to see them again. I will take dream visits for now. While I work on becoming worthy of a residency in animal heaven. I will have faith in the great grass field in the sky.

Until then there are still goats for me here on Earth. I am planning to go see them tomorrow. First time back at the playground. It’s a little scary. There is that irrational fear that the place that used to give me so much happiness will now give me only sadness. I felt the same way after Mads. And the others. But I know I will still feel happy there. It just takes some time. I hope everyone is okay. I feel a little guilty for leaving Bob alone through this. He just lost his mother and I know Magnethe was protecting him from the buck. He might well have had a hard time. But hopefully I can make it up to him. He is just about the handsomest goat I have ever known and I hope we’ll have a great future together. It never gets easier to lose a friend, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try to make new ones. I couldn’t shut my heart off to the goats now even if I wanted to. They are too big a part of my life.

During my last week with Magnethe I was really scared of losing her. Because at first we thought her babies might be dead in her belly. I’m still not sure exactly what part the pregnancy paid in her death. But it reminded me of Vanilje’s death and I was scared. I spent as much time with Magnethe as I could, and I also shot a lot of video. Wanting to maximise the memories, if something did happen. I made a little clip from the last week. Here: youtube.com/watch?v=l2vHoAry3DE. I didn’t include anything from the last day because she was so tired and weak and it was so sad. I was just holding her a lot. I didn’t want to put that in the video. But there’s some stuff from the previous days. It’s still very sad of course. But I felt like I had to put up a last video of her. You can check it out if you want to, I don’t blame you if you don’t. It was hard going through all that footage. I’m glad I have it, but it’s probably going to make me sad whenever I watch it again. And that’s how it ought to be, I guess. I’m glad I have a lot of happy videos with her too. Although they’ll be making me sad for quite a while as well.

I am prone to mood swings and depression. So I’m glad I haven’t let it engulf me. I am sure that’s how Magnethe would want it to be. For me to remember her and grieve but to also move forward. Into the great wide open.