I feel weird. A big mix of emotions. So I’ll try to write a little about them now.

First and foremost of course the great sorrow at the loss of Magnethe. As I said yesterday, I loved her, she meant a lot to me and represented a lot of good things in my life. I still get little bouts of crying when I think about her. I’ve been looking through videos from the last week, and it’s just really tough and sad.

A part of me is scared too. For the last 8 years I have had Mads or Magnethe up at the playground to welcome me when I needed it most. I have had a strong connection to them. It’s scary that they are both gone now. There’s a part of me that is afraid that I can’t go on without them. I know this is silly. Life goes on of course. But it still frightens me a little, the idea of going up there and them not being there. Like having to take the training wheels of your bike. I don’t know if I can get as strong a bond with the other goats. But I will try.

I still feel dizzy. A tingling sensation in my body, like phobic panic attacks. Like phantom aches in a body part that has been removed. I know it will get better, but I am still reeling from the shock. I really thought she was getting better. It feels like a car crash.

But then there is another part of me that is feeling optimistic and excited about the future. I got it into my head today that I wanted to change some things in my life. Turn things around. Mostly behind the scenes stuff. Dark corners of the mind. The weed that has overgrown the garden. I feel like I want to be a better person. I want Mads and Magnethe to look down on me and be proud of me. To like what they see. I know that’s somewhat irrational too, but who cares. I feel like there are aspects of my life and person that I want to change and do better. I want to try at least. I have already done some in recent times. Tried to be more positive, eat healthier and exercise again. I want to go more in that direction. And be more at the playground. After Mads died and my eyesight started going bad I slipped away a little. During the winter I only went up there once a week. Now the weather is better it has usually been twice a week. But only for an hour or two. I want to try to spend more time there. For the goats. Providing company for goats has been a big part of my identity for a long time. I want to make the goats happy. Magnethe’s boy, Bob. I want to try to get a strong bond with him and help make his life good. Mio and Kamel. The babies to come. I want to be more part of that again. For my own sake too. Spending more time there will get me more human contact as well. This might be all fancy ideas of flight in the moment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the momentum when times passes. But I want to try at least. I want the pain of Magnethe’s passing to be a catalyst for change. One of the things she gave me in her last days was the discovery of how nice it was to spend a lot of time at the playground again. How I have missed being around kids and goats. Being out in the sunshine for longer periods. I want this to be the good that comes out of Magnethe. She gave a lot to me over the years and I don’t want that to waste away. I don’t want to keep sinking into the hole. I want to get back to the surface. That is my new project at least. I want to try and do my best. Let Magnethe inspire me.

This might sound hokey and I hope the Americans won’t be offended, but I feel like the 4th of July will be my Independence Day. I will free myself of the old Plume. And start working towards the new. I don’t know how far I will get. But I really, really want to try.

I’m going to give myself some time to grieve and feel miserable. This is a time to be sad. But not for too long. Not forever.

It’s a little scary too. The change. There are some things I will try to leave behind. Some crutches that I will try not to depend on anymore. I will try to open my mind to new and better ways.

I have had a lot of support from my nice Facebook friends as well. I really appreciate not being alone with all this. And being able to share Magnethe with people. That was always one of my great joys, ever since I picked up a camera for the first time and started going to the playground. It was not just a matter of getting to know the goats, it was also about people getting to know me.

Thank you Magnethe, for all you have given me and for the inspiration you continue to give.

From Tuesday, last week.

I am very, very sad. After little over a week’s sickness Magnethe passed away sometime last night.

I feel dizzy. Like someone punched me in the gut. Turns out my dead eye can still cry.

She had an infection of some kind. She was on penicillin but I guess it wasn’t enough. I don’t really know the details, I don’t really care at this point. I just feel horrible. I have spent countless hours with her. For 7 years. I can’t remember what it’s like to not have her there waiting for her. And I can’t believe I’m never going to see her again. I feel so empty. Never going to hear her bleat when she spots me. Never see her lift her head up high when I scratch her neck.

I spent a lot of time with her the last week. I’m glad she hung on for Monday. That I got that last day with her. I really appreciate that. She was so weak that she couldn’t stand up on her own. We literally had to push and lift her rear end to get her up for a little while. But she was eating more, so I hoped that was a good sign. I guess it wasn’t. But I am so thankful I got that last day with her. There was a little girl, Sara, who spent time with us too. She was asking questions and getting food. Really concerned about Magnethe. We got her up and got her outside so we could sit in the sunshine. Stroke her and scratch her and get her to eat as much as possible. Get her to stand up once in a while and walk around a little. I sat with her and held her head in my lap. Like I did with Mads. Sleepy goat, snory groaning tired sounds. So very sweet and tender. Just sitting with her for hours and hours. Alice told me that they were glad I had spent so much time with her. That she had been calm and not in distress. I don’t know if me being there helped at all, but at least she wasn’t alone. I hope she could feel how much I cared for her and loved her. I hope she understood.

When I got there this morning I couldn’t see Magnethe anywhere. And there was a lock on the goat house. The other goats were outside. So I went to Alice’s office, and she told me. Then we went to the goat house and she let me in. I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to see her. But I’m glad I did. I asked Alice if I could have some time alone with her. She said I could take as long as I needed. And I did. At one point I figured I’d been in there for an hour or so, but when I checked my cell phone it had been 3-4 hours. I just sat with her. I think it was good for me. I cried and talked to her in my head. I think that’s probably healthier than how I dealt with the Vanilje situation, that I still have blocked out in my head.

I sat and stroked her softly. Maybe that sounds odd or creepy or something, I don’t know. But I needed to feel her. Her physical presence. I knew that when I walked out the door she’d be a memory. Videos and pictures and thoughts. Hopefully dreams. But I’ll never again get to touch her. Feel her fur. So I needed her to have weight and exist, for one last time. She lay curled up with her head almost under herself. So I couldn’t see her face. I just stroked her back.

At one point a kid got the sliding doors opened and came in. He went out again when he saw what had happened. I could hear them talking outside. About the goat who had died. And someone said there was a guy in there too. And someone else, a voice familiar from one of the kids I have spent time with with the goats said that it was me. And someone else asked what I was doing in there. And she said “he loved her”. And I did. She may have been just another goat to some people, but she was my grand old lady. She was the last piece left of the better days, when I had eyesight and spent countless hours, every day almost, at the playground with goats. When my phobia got slowly better and I got to know the people at the playground too. Mads, Mathilde, Vanilje. They’re all gone now. Kurt is gone. The playground isn’t the same. And now Magnethe is gone. Seven years. I still remember the first time I saw her. March 2005. At that time I was friendly with the goats and place, but it wasn’t so ingrained in my personality and life. I hadn’t had any idea that Mathilde was pregnant. And then there she was in the sliding doorway. A tiny little brown goat puppy kid. So precious. I’d never been around a goat kid before. I was practically afraid of her. I didn’t dare pick her up until she was almost too big to pick up. Kids around the playground were picking her up all the time, but I was worried I wouldn’t do it right. And Mathilde was still a little timid and shy and I was worried that picking her baby up would upset her, make her feel bad.

The first day I saw her was March 18th 2005 (not 2004 like I said on Facebook. It was Mads that I met in 2004). If she had stayed inside for a couple of days before that… her birthday could very well be March 15th, just like mine. She was such a joy to get to know. And having a sweet little goat kid like that at the playground played a big part in me getting to become a bigger part of the playground life and spending time with the humans there too. She was very important to my life. And the source of so much happiness, of course. I’m not going to say that she was always the sweetest goat. She grew up to be quite temperamental. Especially after Mads died. I think she took on leadership of the flock and that’s why she sometimes needed to assert dominance. She could be grumpy, especially if there were lots of little, noisy humans around her. But that’s okay. Mads was feared by the playground children too. The best goats are the ones with personality. That’s part of the fun. We spent so many sweet times together. She really loved having her neck scratched. She’d roll her head back and expose her neck. And if I stopped she’d look at me and lift her head again, inviting me to keep scratching. And if I didn’t do it she’d move a little closer and lift her head again. And if I still didn’t she’d start nudging against me. She really loved that spot. More than once there were visitors at the fence looking in on the goats and when they saw me scratching her and how she’d lift her head back they’d go “aww look how much she loves it”. I always loved sharing her with people. Making sure she behaved herself when kids wanted to get close to her. Posting endless videos and photos in the blog and on Facebook. I realise not everyone has my passion for goats. But I hope people will remember her. Even just a little. It hurts that I’ll never get to sit with her again. It’s just hard to understand that she’s not there anymore.

I hope she is on the endless grass field in the sky now. With her sister Vanilje. And her babies, the ones that aren’t still around. With Mads. My two old friends. Don’t let Mads bully you around, Magnethe. Even when you grew bigger and stronger than him you still let him call the shots. Don’t let him get away with that anymore. There’s plenty of grass and fresh leaves for everyone up there. And I hope you’ll put in a good word for me. So I can join you when it’s my time to go. I can honestly say that would be my greatest wish. The one thing that would make me the most happy. To sit on a grass lawn with Mads and Magnethe. Bandit and Grethe. Vanilje. All of them. I know if I hadn’t had all the phobia and stuff I would have made more meaningful relationships with people and the goats probably wouldn’t be so important to me. But they are. And I would love to see them again some day.

When I left today I put a slice of apple down by her head. I hadn’t brought apples for the goats in years and years. But I figured they were easier to chew than carrots. Yesterday I brought three old carrots and she ate them all when I broke them in pieces. I told Alice about it and she went and bought more carrots and Magnethe ate some of those too. So I thought I’d try with apples. Juicy and easy to chew. I bought some and sliced them up and took them with me this morning. I bet she would have loved them. Even if she could only have eaten a few slices. But I left her one last slice. Then I went out to the others. Bob, her son. Her beautiful, handsome little boy. Mio and Kamel. Preben, the visiting buck. They all loved the apple slices. I know I will have good times with them in the future. Not least Bob, I’m sure he will carry her spirit on. But I have lost such a big part of me. Of the past and the present. Thing aren’t the same anymore, and I don’t know if they ever will be.

I want to finish off with some pictures of her. A celebration of her life and what she meant to me. If you remember how my blog used to be this might call back some memories. Just a ton of goat pictures. Feel free to skip it if you’re not interested. But I need to do this.

Mathilde with her baby Magnethe:

–

There in the doorway is where I first spotted her:

–

Look at the little white socks:

–

Instant hit with everyone:

–

First steps outside:

–

Out and into the great unknown:

–

Kurt holding her:

–

Everybody loved her:

–

Mads, Mathilde and Magnethe. I owe them so much.

–

Being introduced to the horse:

–

Magnethe and Mads. He’s a pygmy, maybe that’s why she outgrew him even though he was older. They had their rumbles, but they got along fine for the most part.

–

A couple of months old. I always liked this picture. With Alice working in the background:

–

Three months old:

–

Four months old. Her face starting to mature and get longer:

–

Five months old. Magnethe and me. I look horrible, but oh well.

–

Six months old. Big girl now:

–

Starting to look like herself. And she’s got her collar on. She would pretty much keep that on for her entire life, until her last week. She was so tired and weak that she didn’t really walk around much. So her collar was removed and she got some lotion for her dry skin.

–

Starting to challenge her mother:

–

Seven months old. That sweet face I’ll never forget.

–

Aw, here she is meeting Bodil before I knew who Bodil was. And Bodil’s dog Lulu. She’s a great lady, Bodil. And Lulu was a great dog.

–

Almost December. This must have been some of her first snow, with mama Mathilde:

–

A winter goat’s tail:

–

Hugging her, the day before newyears:

–

Mother and daughter:

–

A lick of the salt. Yesterday, when we finally got her to get up, she went and took a couple of licks of this thing before we got her outside. The salt lick is much smaller now, six years later. But it’s still there.

–

One year old:

–

Relaxing:

–

Pregnant with her first babies. So big. I remember how laboured she was.

–

Three babies! With South African inspired names. Springbok, Mandela and Natal.

–

She was a great mother right from the getgo:

–

Climbing on mama:

–

Taking the kids outside for the first time. Here Magnethe is with her 3 babies along with Mathilde’s 3 new kids as well.

–

Mandela had the same beautiful colour as his mother. All over. He was very pretty. He was sold, I’m not sure where to. I hope he’s still alive somewhere. Maybe still making babies? It would be nice if there were little grandkids of Magnethe’s running around out there.

–

The classic headroll:

–

Grinding down a whole apple in one go:

–

This was my desktop image for a long time:

–

Magnethe and me:

–

I can’t believe I made her wear a santa hat for my christmas card pictures!

–

She liked to stand with her feet in the food bucket once it was empty.

–

Just about two years old:

–

After Mathilde and the kids were gone Mads and Magnethe were on their own for a while. Vanilje was staying at Kurt’s place, but she came back later.

–

Lots of grass for a growing goat:

–

Magnethe and sister Vanilje:

–

Say hello.

–

Say hay.

–

Pretty girl:

–

One of my favourite series of pictures, with Magnethe and Mads:

–

And another from that series:

–

Nomnomnom

–

Almost three years old, and a couple of new babies! Lakrids and Chokolade. Liquorice and Chocolate.

–

Taking Lakrids and Chokolade out for the first time:

–

Sweet, sweet girl.

–

So lovely.

–

yum yum.

–

Three and a half years old. Big girl:

–

Those neck scratches.

–

Chewing on a straw, like a good cowboy goat.

–

Four years old:

–

At this point the photos stop coming. I was losing my eyesight to diabetes and photography was getting harder and harder. I almost spent more time in hospitals than at the playground. Magnethe was still there for me though. She was always there when times were rough and I needed to get away.

There’s one picture from all of 2010. Magnethe five and a half years old with her new kids Hans and Grethe.

In 2012 I started trying the photography a little.

Seven years and two months old.

And with her new kid Bob.

And then it was time to say goodbye. Three pictures of me with her on our last day together, yesterday. Seven years and almost four months after we first met.

Getting to hold my sweet, sweet girl one last time…

A lot of the time when I didn’t take pictures I made videos instead. I’ll probably make an entry with some of my favourite videos of her soon.

There are hundreds and hundreds of pictures of her. It was very sweet and sad to go through and pick some out for the blog. Years of memories. If you want even more there are always the galleries: http://plume.dk/pics/thumbnails.php?search=magnet.

And here’s a link to the Facebook post I made when I came home, it should be public: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php.

I will never, ever forget you Magnethe. You contributed so much to my life, in so many ways. Your memory will live on with me and with others too I hope.

So long and thanks for all the raisins.