I feel weird. A big mix of emotions. So I’ll try to write a little about them now.

First and foremost of course the great sorrow at the loss of Magnethe. As I said yesterday, I loved her, she meant a lot to me and represented a lot of good things in my life. I still get little bouts of crying when I think about her. I’ve been looking through videos from the last week, and it’s just really tough and sad.

A part of me is scared too. For the last 8 years I have had Mads or Magnethe up at the playground to welcome me when I needed it most. I have had a strong connection to them. It’s scary that they are both gone now. There’s a part of me that is afraid that I can’t go on without them. I know this is silly. Life goes on of course. But it still frightens me a little, the idea of going up there and them not being there. Like having to take the training wheels of your bike. I don’t know if I can get as strong a bond with the other goats. But I will try.

I still feel dizzy. A tingling sensation in my body, like phobic panic attacks. Like phantom aches in a body part that has been removed. I know it will get better, but I am still reeling from the shock. I really thought she was getting better. It feels like a car crash.

But then there is another part of me that is feeling optimistic and excited about the future. I got it into my head today that I wanted to change some things in my life. Turn things around. Mostly behind the scenes stuff. Dark corners of the mind. The weed that has overgrown the garden. I feel like I want to be a better person. I want Mads and Magnethe to look down on me and be proud of me. To like what they see. I know that’s somewhat irrational too, but who cares. I feel like there are aspects of my life and person that I want to change and do better. I want to try at least. I have already done some in recent times. Tried to be more positive, eat healthier and exercise again. I want to go more in that direction. And be more at the playground. After Mads died and my eyesight started going bad I slipped away a little. During the winter I only went up there once a week. Now the weather is better it has usually been twice a week. But only for an hour or two. I want to try to spend more time there. For the goats. Providing company for goats has been a big part of my identity for a long time. I want to make the goats happy. Magnethe’s boy, Bob. I want to try to get a strong bond with him and help make his life good. Mio and Kamel. The babies to come. I want to be more part of that again. For my own sake too. Spending more time there will get me more human contact as well. This might be all fancy ideas of flight in the moment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the momentum when times passes. But I want to try at least. I want the pain of Magnethe’s passing to be a catalyst for change. One of the things she gave me in her last days was the discovery of how nice it was to spend a lot of time at the playground again. How I have missed being around kids and goats. Being out in the sunshine for longer periods. I want this to be the good that comes out of Magnethe. She gave a lot to me over the years and I don’t want that to waste away. I don’t want to keep sinking into the hole. I want to get back to the surface. That is my new project at least. I want to try and do my best. Let Magnethe inspire me.

This might sound hokey and I hope the Americans won’t be offended, but I feel like the 4th of July will be my Independence Day. I will free myself of the old Plume. And start working towards the new. I don’t know how far I will get. But I really, really want to try.

I’m going to give myself some time to grieve and feel miserable. This is a time to be sad. But not for too long. Not forever.

It’s a little scary too. The change. There are some things I will try to leave behind. Some crutches that I will try not to depend on anymore. I will try to open my mind to new and better ways.

I have had a lot of support from my nice Facebook friends as well. I really appreciate not being alone with all this. And being able to share Magnethe with people. That was always one of my great joys, ever since I picked up a camera for the first time and started going to the playground. It was not just a matter of getting to know the goats, it was also about people getting to know me.

Thank you Magnethe, for all you have given me and for the inspiration you continue to give.

From Tuesday, last week.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 4th, 2012 at 22:05 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.