I had yet another unscheduled hospital trip today. As I felt the pressure in my right eye increase.

I had a checkup on Monday where things seemed to be going well. And it was decided that instead of taking one diamox tablet in the morning I’d take half a pill in the morning and half a pill in the evening. My feeling is that that is the reason why the pressure has risen again.

The pressure was around 30 today. Up from 20something on Monday. The desired amount is 12-14. The left eye i usually 17ish. 30 isn’t disastrous. When I had all the pain it was up around 50-60. Now I’m back to taking 2 diamox pills per day, so hopefully that will keep the pressure down. I bet I’ll get dizzy again too. I was just starting to get rid of that. But oh well, it’s not too bad.

Before the hospital trip I had my second cane training session. It went very well I must say. We started with the same route as last time. To Føtex in the shopping center around the corner. We went a different route on the way home, though, so I could try out some stairs. We ended up walking on a grass lawn too, which wasn’t too handy. The cane has a rolling ball thing at the end, so you roll it left and right ahead of you. But it gets stuck in the earth. Sometimes in between tiles in the pavement too. But I survived it and navigated the stairs succesfully. And all in all there is no doubt that it makes me feel a lot more secure when walking around. Much easier and safer. And I seem to be doing okay. So says the nice sight central lady, Ulla. We shall meet up next Thursday again and we’ll try walking to my parents’ house. A more complicated route with road crossings. But I’m sure it will be fine. I have promised to go to Føtex on my own before we meet again. With the cane it should not be too hard.

I have to say, once again, that I am really glad that I do have some sight left. It would be so much harder and scarier if I were completely blind, with nothing but the cane to guide me. My left eye seems to have gotten a little bit better again and today there was no sun which also makes it easier to see. It is good to remember that all is not lost. Sometimes I think things like “why not have cake and candy, why not stop exercising, why not stay in bed all day. There is nothing left to lose anyway”. But there is a lot left to lose, so hopefully that will motivate me to keep going.

Also helping me are the goats, of course. I went to see them on Tuesday. And it was jolly good. I do love those goats. Magnethe was in a bit of a mood at first though. She was pushing Vanilje around. And somewhat unusually Vanilje decided to stand up to her. So they were running around and clashing horns for a little. And Magnethe tried to get fresh with me too, but I held her by the horns. And waved my water flask in front of her. That was enough to get her to back down. And after that she was a very good girl. Although she did keep pushing her head against me. But that’s okay, I like that. It’s funny and sweet. When it’s not in an aggressive way. I think it’s her way of saying “I know you have treats, come on, give ’em up”. But I do pretend that it’s actually her way of saying “huuuug me”. Because when she does it then I can put my arms around her and my head against hers. She doesn’t seem to mind that at all. She gets good scratchies too of course. And then we push each other back and forth to see who’s strongest. I think that’s still me, as long as it’s the slow kind of pushing. When she got tired of that she started chewing cud and staring off into the distance. There is something very zen about goats chewing cud. Good meditation. She was standing right up against me, every now and then turning her head slightly and turning her eyes up at me to see if I was still paying attention to her. And then focusing her eyes back on whatever it was that she was watching in the distance. She is a handful, but she is a wonderful goat anyway.

There were new sheep as well. In the area outside the goat pen, where the horses usually are. There were three of them. One of them black. And I think one of them may have been Polka, she came right up to me and looked like she was expecting treats. She was obviously experienced at the playground life. The two others were holding back a little more. And then running around baahing periodically.

And that is all for now. Hope you all is well.

I have finally had my first lesson in walking with a cane. A nice lady from the sight central came and instructed me. It went very well, but it’s also a weird thing to deal with. To be forced to accept that image of yourself. Walking around with a cane to guide me, that is not something I had ever imagined before. That is not someone I ever thought would be me. You see blind people on the street and think “glad it’s not me” and five minutes later you have forgotten them. Now I am one of them.

There is a certain sense of finality to it. That’s it. That’s who I am. I will never be on the other side again. I am handicapped. I am broken. I will never fit into the crowd again.

So it’s hard to be exactly happy about it. But at least it went well. We went to Føtex in the shopping center around the corner. Just a 10 minute walk. And the cane made it easier, no doubt. It feels safer. Instead of that sense that you could be walking off a tall cliff without knowing it. It is a good help, no doubt about it. Maybe it will even allow me to go out on my own in the future when I get more comfortable with it. You never know. Certainly it is better to have it than to not.

I am also glad that I still have some sight left. It makes it a lot easier to navigate around and avoid things. People and cars. The house number so I know which door to go to. I am glad I am not completely blind. As horrible as it is right now, it could still be worse. No doubt about it. I do feel my left eye getting worse. The field of vision getting smaller. More and more of the world is blurred out. Even finding my way around my little apartment just by sight is getting harder. Who knows where it will end.

At least there is no more pain in the right eye. We have cut back from two diamox tablets to one. I am still dizzy though. Dizzy and almost blind, it is not the best combination for walking around.

I have also been sleeping poorly. With cold feet. My foot therapist gave me some ointment that is supposed to help circulation and give a warm sensation. I think it is working a little. And I have turned up the heat some more. Plus I am now allowed to use the exercise bike again which will hopefully make me a little more tired. I need my nights to be good because they are practically all I have left.

On Monday there’s a new checkup at the hospital. Maybe I can try stopping the diamox altogether. And on Thursday I have more cane training. We’ll be taking it slow. I can’t handle too much right now and I don’t have a huge need to be walking around everywhere and it’s getting colder and colder. I think we agreed to do it once a week for 3 weeks to learn the basics and then once every 2-3 weeks after that. Something like that. And their IT dept should be getting in touch soon again so we can get something arranged with computer and cell phone and DAISY-rom. I need to see the goats again soon too. It has been a while. I just don’t have energy for much. I am not feeling very strong. But I am trying.