On Thursday I had my third cane training session. This time going to my parents’ house. A longer route with several road crossing. one of them a heavily trafficed one.

So it was a little harder than just going to Føtex around the corner. But it went okay. I learnt some techniques for crossing roads. Both the heavily trafficed one with traffic lights, and the smaller ones with no crossings. I won’t lie to you, crossing the road when you can’t see very well is not funny. But the cane helps a lot in that respect too, signalling to other people that you can’t see well. So hopefully they will show consideration. Although there were actually two cars that broke the law and swung out in front of me as I was crossing. I thought that was somewhat rude. Not only was their behaviour breaking the traffic laws but they were doing it to what they could only assme was a blind person as well. Maybe I was taking too much time getting going, when you can’t see the light turn green then it takes a little longer before you know that it’s okay to go. But anyway, I could see them swinging in front of me and I felt confident enough in the situation, I wasn’t almost run down or anything.

So now I should be able to go to my parents’ on my own, in theory. And from my parents it’s a pretty easy road to the playground, so I should be able to go there as well. I probably won’t be going there alone just yet, though. Maybe when I feel a little more comfortable. When I’ve been out with the cane a little more. But there’s no doubt that the cane helps a lot and as long as I keep some of my remaining eyesight then it’s quite realistic that I’ll be able to go out on my own in the future. So that’s good.

We have another session next Thursday and after that we might take a little break, slow down a little. Then I can try things a little more.

On Tuesday I’ll get a visit from their IT department. So they can have a look at my computer. Things are actually going pretty well when it comes to using the computer right now, so I don’t need that much from them I guess. I don’t think the screen reader is going to let me do things I can’t do right now. But it’ll be good to get it installed so I have it if my eyesight deteriorates again. Let’s hope I won’t be needing it. There are things I’ll never be able to do on the computer again. Play games. Look at pictures. Some websites. The screen reader would be a last resort, when it’s a choice between that or not using the computer at all. Luckily I’m not there yet.

They will probably look at my cell phone too. But I’m pretty sure my cell can’t run a speech program. And I don’t think I want to buy a new one. Even when my eyesight is really bad I can still make and receive calls and that’s all I really use it for. I don’t text, I don’t use the alarm clock anymore. So I will probably just keep that and live with the limited functions. And then we’ll see if they can offer me a DAISY-rom reader so I can read some audio books like that. It will be nice to have the IT stuff done, although I’m not looking forward to having a stranger snoop through my computer. I’m a bit of a control freak with that, bordering on paranoid. I don’t like having stuff installed without having control over it. But it’s for the best, I know.

In other news, it seems I’m getting new neighbours at last. The apartment next door has been empty for something like 7-8 months I think. Since the kindergarten left. But now there are people coming and going, working again, hammering, talking. I think it’s a family moving in. My dad said there were kids anyway. I’m sure that will all be fine. I know it’d be smart of me to get a closer kind of relationship (or any kind at all) with my neighbours, what with my situation and all. It would be good if I could go next door and knock if I needed help. But I can’t, it’s too hard, especially right now. I have no surplus of energy or motivation. I’m just trying to get through things. And with me not answering the door and not going out much I probably won’t be seeing a whole lot of them. So it goes.

I mentioned that on Monday I went outside on my own for the first time in many months. I have also done something else for the first time in many months. Watched a movie. Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy more specifically. I have had it sitting on my DVD-recorder since it was on the telly a year ago or something like that. I haven’t watched any movies since all the eyesight loss started. At least not since the oil surgeries. So that’s 3-4 months. If not twice that. But I was in the mood for it. And it was ok. I had seen the movie before, and read the books of course. So that helped me follow it. It is harder to follow movies when you can’t quite see them. Surprisingly. It’s frustrating. I can see some of the screen. But then there is the blind part in the almost center of my eye. So I can’t see all the screen at once. If something happens on the left hand side and I watch that and the action switches to the right hand side then I have to move my eyes there. It makes it pretty much impossible to watch soccer for example. I might be able to see some of the pitch, but the action moves so quickly (even though Americans might disagree on that…) that I just can’t follow it. I guess I could focus on the right side of the screen and hope the ball stays there…

I am still clinging on to some of my American TV shows. Sitcoms and cartoons are pretty easy to follow. It’s harder with the dramas. I love Fringe, but it’s dark and complicated and it can be hard to enjoy when you miss vital parts of the plot. There are new shows that I’d like to watch as well. Like FlashForward and Stargate Universe. But I’m vary of starting new shows because it’s hard to get to know the characters when you can’t really see them. Shows I’ve been watching for years, I now the characters, it makes it less confusing.

I really wish they’d start showing Lost now. While I still have some sight left. That show is very important to me. But it doesn’t start up until January I think. And if it’s true that they take a break for the winter olympics then maybe it won’t end until summer next year. That is one complicated show, I know I’d have a hard time following it even now. I dread to think how it might be 8 months from now. I hope I’ll be able to follow it. I desperately want to know how it ends.

I know it’s only TV. But before I started losing my eyesight TV and computer and books and candy and soda and the playgground was pretty much my life. Lots of it is being ripped away from me. So I’m just clinging on to what I can. Trying to accept my new situation without losing everything from my old.

Well, enough for now.

Today I went outside on my own. For the first time in ages. Four months or something like that. I don’t think I have been outside on my own since I got oil in the eyes. But today I did a little cane training on my own. Just a quick trip to Føtex around the corner. A quick and easy route. I’m pretty sureI could get there even without the cane. But if I did that then every step would be insecure. With the cane I feel much safer. I can walk faster and more securely. I know I’m not going to walk into anything. I know people can see that I’m visually impaired and they show consideration to that.

So that was good. It was nice to be able to do it without company, without a safety net. I feel a little less locked in now, I know that I can actually go out if I need or want to. It would be great if I could go to my parents’ place or to the playground on my own as well. But we’ll see how those routes go. With traffic lights and all. At least now I can go shopping. If I should want to. Although doing real shopping would recquire help from the employees at the shop. I’d rather avoid that. That situation would be hindered by my social phobia, not my near blindness. It would be very stressful and uncomfortable for me. So as long as my dad still wants to help me with my shopping then that’s what I’ll keep doing. Then I can always go with him now and then.

It’s good to not be completely lost. And my lefy eye seems to be doing a little better again. It goes up and down. But parts of it has been decent lately. On Saturday it was daylight saving time in Denmark and I was able to set the clock on my cell phone. My cell phone is often a good indicator for how my sight is doing. When it’s not going so well then I can’t read the menus at all, I can’t see what the clock says, I can’t really do anything other than making and receiving calls, which I can do without using the menus now. But when my sight is doing better then I can read my SMS messages and do things in the menus. It’s not too long ago that I had to have my brother help me update my contact list so it was more intuitive and added my dad’s new cell phone number. My dad with a cell phone, hah. I never thought I’d see the day. But it’s for my benifit, so we can always get in touch if I need it. Anyway, I wasn’t able to update the contact list myself. I think I could do it today. With some effort. It’s a little strange having to rely on my brother’s help like that. I’m used to me being the one who helps with technical things. Computers and TVs and VCRs and all that. That is something that can be hard to accept. That I’m not always able to help them like I used to. It used to be one of my good qualities, one of the places where I could actually be of use and do something nice for them. Now I am the one who might need the help.

But as I said, the left eye is doing fairly ok at the moment. I can only hope it stays that way. Then I should be able to keep blogging as well. My farewell post was somewhat premature, eh? My sight has improved since then. But as I said, it goes up and down. I can’t be sure it remains. Every morning when I wake up it is a little scary to open the eyes and see how much I can see. Especially now that there is not much sunlight anymore. It’s not until I turn on the computer and read the text here that I can really judge if it’s gotten better or worse or is about the same.

Cooking is a little easier now too. At least I can fry eggs the way I want. I have this weird thing about the squiggly bit that connects the yolk to the white in the egg. I don’t like it. I always try to remove it before eating or making eggs. So if I fry eggs then I don’t crack them on the pan. I crack them in a bowl so I can remove the squiggly thing before putting it in the pan. It can be somewhat messy and tricky to get it off without breaking the yolk. And I know it’s quite stupid. And for a while I had to accept that I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t see enough to remove it. Not without turning the fried egg into an omelette anyway. But I tried it yesterday and I could do it again. So I could get my fried eggs without squiggly bits. You have to appreciate the little victories. A little walk outside on your own. Setting the clock on your cell. Making eggs the way you like them. It may seem like awfully trivial things. But when you’re not able to do them then they suddenly become pretty big. So let’s hope things will keep improving.