Today would have been a very, very beautiful day. If it wasn’t for the looming shadow of Mads’ condition, of course.

Nothing new on that. The vet didn’t come today. He’s very busy because he’s the only one in the area who deals with “exotic” animals. I guess goats are exotic when you live in the middle of the city. So he won’t be coming before next week.

The goats were out in front of the playground today. The kids haven’t been there before. It was beautiful to see them galloping around. And the lawn in front of the playground is full of fresh, juicy grass. There’s no real grass in the goat fold at the moment and only a little budding sprouts in the horse field where they have been walking around recently. So I think they all enjoyed the vast field of good eats. Vanilje and Magnethe were tied down so they wouldn’t wander off into the residential area above. Mads was free because obviously he doesn’t wander much these days. But at least he had the yummy grass.

And there were lots of visitors. Many kids. There’s a strike going on in Denmark in kindergartens and the likes. So lots of kids with lots of time. Saad was there. Good to see him again. He sat down in my lap and talked to me and to Mads. It still surprises me a little, kids liking me and wanting to be around me. A couple of girs took Vanilje out for a walk on a leash. Although I think most of the time Vanilje were taking them for a walk. The sun was shining. There were times when I could just pretend that everything was normal and okay, that I was sitting with Mads in the sunshine and nothing was wrong. And then there were times when I couldn’t think of anything else than the fact that they’re going to take him away from me. And it was heartbreaking.

While I was sitting there with Mads, Alice came over and handed me a phone. It was Jannie, asking me if I could feed the animals for her tomorrow. To be honest I felt like saying no. I feel so drained, I don’t feel like working at all. But then it wouldn’t be fair to Jannie or the animals to turn her down. She’d have to work two jobs all day and the animals would either get fed very early or very late. So I said yes. In all likelihood it will be the last time that Mads is there while I feed…

I hope heaven has a well-stocked fridge. And an endless lawn of fresh, juicy grass.

Finishing off with pictures from the last couple of days.

He dozed off with his head resting on my hand. So sweet. I couldn’t hold it for too long though. A goat’s head is a heavy burden to bear.

Goodnight.

I have some bad news. Regarding Mads. He is getting worse, unfortunately. The treatment didn’t help at all. He’s having a hard time walking. He’s not just limping, he’s almost falling down on his knees. When he had to pee he staid on his front knees, normally a male goat would be standing when he pees. He sits down pretty much all the time, watching the others run around. It’s not good. He isn’t doing too well I’m afraid.

The vet is going to come look at him again. But as was said the last time, since it’s not an infection there’s really nothing to do. It will only get worse. And the vet told Alice that surgery isn’t really an option, because he would still have trouble walking. As much as it kills me to say it, I am about 99% sure that I’m going to have to say goodbye to Mads soon.

I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is for me. He means so much to me, little giant Mads. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t found him. Maybe I wouldn’t have this love of goats, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten all the positive things from the playground. He has done so much for me. The idea of him not being around is just unfathomable.

I don’t even know when the vet will come. He has to squeeze Mads into the schedule. It could be any day. And I don’t know what he’ll do. If they have to put Mads down can he just do it on the spot? Will he have to come back later? Will they take Mads away? I could basically come to the playground tomorrow and Mads could be gone.

But I’m trying to spend as much time as I can there. To be with Mads as much as I can. And to hopefully be there when the vet comes. In a way I guess it would be better not to be there. But I do want to be able to say a proper goodbye. It’s been so hard the last couple of days, saying goodbye and not knowing if it would be the last time I saw him. Also hard to just sit with him and know that time is running out. I can tell he’s not doing well, but there’s still that selfish part of me that wants to cling on to him. Part of me that wishes I’d kept my big mouth shut and not asked them to get him checked by the vet. But I know that’s pointless, even if I had said nothing he would still have gotten worse and eventually they would’ve had to do something. Maybe by acting I will have spared him some pain and suffering in the end. I can only hope.

I am trying not to let it overwhelm me. These are most likely my last days with him, I want to make the most of them. I guess I am blocking out the sadness. But then the apathy rises and is joined by the feeling that there is no point to anything, that nothing matters. I just want to sleep.

God, I never thought this would be happening. When Jannie asked me if I had noticed that he was limping a bit. When was that? Four months ago? Five? A playground without Mads, that’s just a thought that is too horrible to think. I know there will still be four wonderful goats there. And Poul the buck will probably come back at some point. But no one could ever compare to Mads.

The first day I took pictures of the goats and sheep at the playground I took this: 040616_goatstar. I labeled it “goatstar” because I didn’t know his name but I knew he was a star, from the very first day. I can’t believe that’s only 4 years ago. I feel like I’ve known him forever. I have spent much more time with him than I have with any human. I am going to miss him so much.

Kurt was at the playground today. Maybe because of the Mads situation? I’m not sure. But I do believe I hadn’t seen him since the christmas party. So it was good to say hello. We didn’t talk that much, but he seemed to be doing well and had that same air of being so kind and sympathetic. Alice and Per have been showing sympathy as well. They know very well how hard this is going to be for me. They know the bond I have with Mads. They are good people. As good as humans can get.

Anyway, I have rambled on enough. I’m going to go to bed. And hope to see Mads tomorrow.