Good goat times today. I managed to get out today, despite the raging depression. That’s the forked thing about depression, it’s the time when I need goat time the most but also the time when it’s hardest to get myself to go out.
But I got out and I got goating and it was good. A beautiful day. Lots of sunshines and upwards of 15C(59F. That’s summery for Denmark. Although there was a lot of wind. But when out of the wind it felt lovely. I was sitting in the goat entrance with the littles and Jeanette remarked “you’re getting a good roasting there”. Yes, those goats sure said comedic mean things to me! No no. I roasted in the sun, and I enjoyed that. We had some fun running on the mountain too. It seems like it’s really easy getting Milo and Sky going when I start walking around the mountain. They get are very eager to get goofy up there. Nice to have a good way to get a fix of goat joy.
And I found a new thing that Milo is scared of. Me empying a bottle of water. Yup yup. I decided to bring a water bottle because the forecast was pretty sunny. And when it was time for me to go home I emptied it out on the ground. And Milo darted off to a safe distance and stood there and looked at me like I was the devil preparing for a goat barbecue. He’s such a weirdo. It’s not like I was spraying it at him, just pouring it out on the ground. Maybe he thought it was extremely localised rainshowers. Who knows. I love those kids, I’m glad it can still be a happy place for me. Despite the lurking sadness.
8/5 2023
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Kids on the mountain.

8/5 2023
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Oh by the way, I managed to not hit my head on the fridge today. Instead I hit my head on a cabinet door of one of the kitchen shelves. And I managed to hit it right on the corner of the door, the sharp bit. Stay tuned for more ways to get head aches, pronsored by ashpirins.
8/5 2023
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Note to self: Don’t sit in the shadows like a creepy Bond villain.
i was sitting on the Jeanette chair and Milo sat down at my feet like a sweet lapdog. So I thought I’d set up the camera and take a picture of it. Didn’t realise you’d barely be able to see me in the dark. Oh wells! We got Sky and a clucker there too.

8/5 2023
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Okay, you asked for it.
Did you know that the Danish word for ‘jam’ is ‘syltetøj’ which literally translates to ‘picked clothes’?
The more you now.
9/5 2023
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Sky has a new favourite place to get body scritches, on both sides at once.

9/5 2023
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Well, Trump has been found guilty of sexual assault and defamation. This should seriously strengthen his 2024 presidential run because it completely confirms that he is what we already knew he was when he won the first time. Now let’s get back to all the good guys with guns stopping the bad guys with guns, everything’s fine.
And i’ll go back to shutting up about politics, I just had to fart this out there because it should be noted I can’t stand the world and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, hooray who wants to eat.
9/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts.

9/5 2023
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goatlog

10/5 2023
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Feeling the depression pretty heavily right now. I am trying to keep a routine, do things that make me feel good. But it’s not going great. Blah blah humbug.

10/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts. Thank you everyone.

10/5 2023
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Alright. It’s time to make you all mad and disappointed again. Those who haven’t given up on me anyway, hah.
Well, I blacked out again. Right on schedule, it seems. I was actually going around wondering if it would happen again soon, since it was coming up on a month since the last one. Three or four days early, but almost on schedule. It’s weird that it happens almost on clockwork once a month, isn’t it? If it was some kind of epileptic seizure or whatever, you’d think there were things triggering it and it wouldn’t just happen once a month. I don’t know.
But I know I need to go to the doctor about it. I know I have to. I know it’s not fair and reasonable not to go. I will try to get to a place where I am up to going. It’s just.. not a good time. Even before Mia’s passing i was struggling. And right now I just.. float through the days. I’m barely here, i’m barely able to feel ok. Parts of me feel like everything is over and there’s no point in going on and things will never be okay again. I know there are still good things in my life. It just feels like.. slipping into a permanent coma wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I know, it’s awful to say. I will try to keep going and try to do something about. I can’t promise when it will be.
Today it happened after I had just come home from goating. I was in my apartment getting ready to head to the supermarket. I guess it was lucky it happened while I was at home, in between being out goating and being out shopping. That is one of the things I worry about, what if it happens outside. I don’t know.
I felt that deja vue sense coming again. I had been thinking, along with wondering if it would happen again soon, what if I am aware that’s it’s coming on, can I stop it, can I shake myself and stop it from happening? I think I remember when I started getting that feeling today that it was beginning and I should try to stop it, but obviously I couldn’t. It’s such a weird thing, because I get these sounds and voices in my head from specific youtubers and their videos. I am not sure why my brain is doing that. I wonder if it’s just random, that my brain has somehow conflated those sounds with those feelings, if it could have been anything but now this is just the place my brain goes to when it happens. I can’t imagine the actual videos and youtubers have anything to do with the actual problem. I find it really weird and hard to explain exactly how it happens.
Anyway. I came to I guess around 30-40 minutes later. Had to check teletext on my tv to see what day it was. And then things slowly came back to me. I looked at my camera and looked at photos from the goating I’d done. And the memories of that came back and helped place me in time and space. I had been listening to a book on my mp3 player when it happened. I had to look through that and find where I had gotten to, since it had just kept playing while I was out. At least I didn’t fall. i guess I was just standing there staring into space. I think that’s sort of how dad experienced it when it happened that time he was visiting. But it still sort of puzzles me that i was able to go open the door for him and let him in, it’s like parts of me still work on autopilot or something. I don’t know.
I can’t think of anything particularly diferent I did today that would have triggered it. I haven’t been sleeping enough, but last night I slept for 8ish hours. But I don’t get enough full sleep I think. I sleep mostly in my chair now, I usually wake up every 1-2 hours and then turn over and fall asleep again. Maybe my brain isn’t getting enough fhat deep rem sleep and eventually it just needs to shut down and… empty the trashcan of my brain? But even when I slept in my bed regularly I had a hard time sleeping completely through. I don’t know if any of this is relevant.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. And sorry for being irresponsible and depressing and whatnot. I’m trying to fake-it-till-you-make it and keep going and hang on to some routines of things that are good, but the reality is I’m a big mess right now.
I really need to get going on getting in better shape too. I have put on a lot of weight I think. I have been eating very poorly and not exercising since Mia’s passing. And even before that I was going in stages of exercising and eating healthy and then falling out of that and doing worse. But the last 3 weeks have been super unhealthy. I need to get that under control.
Ok ok. i’ll stop rambling. i’m going to cook up a pot of soup. It may be the last of the season because i’ll be using my last flourballs (dumplings) and without those it’s just not the same. Dad has been trying to help me find them, but it’s impossible now. You can only get packs of meat and flour balls now. And i cannot have the meatballs.
Okay, soups on.
11/5 2023
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Thank you everyone for all your comments, supportive and suggestive and sharing your own stories. I appreciate it. And I appreciate that it must be frustrating that I’m.. nutcase. I know I need to go to the doctor. I am working on convincing myself to do it, at the end of the day I have to get myself to make the decision and get it done, no one else can do it for me.
See, isn’t it great that I know whaT I should do but I still don’t? I’m awesome like that.
I am working on it.
Meanwhile, a little goat stuff from today to lighten the mood hopefully. This is Jeanette googling “can goats eat spinach” while Milo was trying to eat her fleece. At least she wasn’t wearing a skirt. Jeanette brought some spinach from home, it was supposed to be for the feathers but they apparently didn’t want it. So the goats got to have a go at it. Milo seemed to quite like it, Sky a little less. Later on I had a stalk, or whatever it’s called, of spinach that they hadn’t eaten. And I had it in my hand, lying on the chair. And Milo was butting his head at it. You know how they do when there’s food that’s not quite working for them, and they start butting their head at it like that will fix it. Well because the spinach was on the chair, Milo got a really good grinding session going, just mashing that spinach. He prefers his spinach aggressively chopped I guess. When Jeanette saw him grinding his face on the spinach she went “you’ll get a green face, Milo. Like Jim Carrey in The Mask”. That made me laugh. I LOVED that movie when i was a kid. I loved everything Jim Carrey was in back then. He was probably my favourite actor when I was a young teen boy. I’m the one person who liked Cable Guy.
So yeah, that was a bit of fun. Kids today don’t know how lucky they are running around with google at their disposal everywhere they go. I didn’t have that when I was a kid. I still don’t, seeing as though I don’t have a smartphone.

11/5 2023
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Shoutout to my dad, he found flourballs. I will be able to have soup for a least a few weeks, probably more. That will also help me as I try to get to eating healthier. So that’s something. Here we go! Soon.
12/5 2023
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Milo and the feathers are dancing around the spinach tree. Jeanette hung the leftovers of the spinach up there. The stuff that didn’t get ground into a fine pulp my the bandit anyway.

12/5 2023
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How loud can you scream without making a sound?
12/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts. For the premium subscribers, here are some goat fun highlights. i set the camera down to get some alternate angles of the kids zooming around. And with guest appearances by jeanette, myself and the cluckers.
I was just going through my winamp playlist to get new songs to add to my exercise mix to help motivate me to get back to exercising. Smart plan, right? I forgot to account for the fact that i have an absolutel shirt-ton of emotional music in my winamp. So I just spent some fun time crying and silently screaming into the void. But watching Milo and Sky get silly is lifting my mood. Hope it can give you a smile too.
12/5 2023
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Hope you’re having a good weekend. Here’s a bit of video of Milo bugging Jeanette while she was googling about spinach. If you’re wondering why she spoke English, it’s because she was complaining about often not being able to find good search rresults when trying to find out if it’s okay to feed specific things to the goats. So I told her I usually search for it in English and that often works fine for me.
I do most stuff in English anyway.
Oh and if you’re wondering, goats can have spinach but it’s not great for them to get too much of it, so only in moderation.
13/5 2023
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Here’s a cute photo. Milo with a Sky beard.

13/5 2023
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It’s a good thing goats don’t drink, or I’d start wondering if sky might have a problem. Guess we don’t need an intervention. She cracks me up though, the way she just grinds around on the mountain.

14/5 2023
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Happy Mother’s Day, mothers.

14/5 2023
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That’s all for now.

Got out and spent some time with the littles today. It is good to be with them, no doubt. My mind is a lot more at rest when i’m with them. Although it also hurts being where Mia.. isn’t. Anymore.
Milo and Sky did manage to make me laugh today. They did some fun running and jumping. Started with Sky climbing up on the goat mountain and pirouetting down again. So I climbed up on the mountain and watched them run up and down and jump goofily. Good to see them having some fun. And there were no screaming sessions today. Well, apart from when I left. That got them screaming like bloody murder again. But other than that, it was normal range bleating today. Maybe they are starting to adjust to the new reality. Let’s hope so. Let’s hope I’ll get there too.
A beautiful day. One of the warmest of the year. Some good sunshine after a cloudy morning. A smell of wood burning in the air. Jeanette had made a campfire. And then the kids that were supposed to come visiting called and cancelled. Darned. So the fire was for nothing. And I got to hand out the carrot slices that Jeanette had prepared to the goats. So it goes. Just like when it’s kids handing them out at the fence, Sky doesn’t really want any. But Milo gobbled them up. You can tell he is starting to assert his dominance. Often I had to use both hands to pet two goats at once, because if I was just petting Sky he’d come barging in to take over. And if I give a treat to just Sky, well there’s a headbutting a coming. But when it’s not a competition for affection or treats they get along fine. Sitting down fur to fur to relax in the sunshine. It is good to be with them. Just sitting with them in the sun is soothing. This is not the spring and summer I had been looking forward to. I was really hoping after everything going on in my personal and family life and the big move last year, that we could have a great summer together, the four of us. Sigh. Crazy to think a year ago I was getting ready for a summer in the big goat house with 6 goats and no worries. Time flies.
Oh and today I managed to hit my head on the floor of the fridge as I was getting something from the bottom shelf. Ah who knows, maybe it knocked some of loose screws back in place.
I must be feeling a little bit better when my posts start to get long and rambling. It was a good day. Now I have to try to keep the depression from slowly seeping back in.
1/5 2023
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Good goats stick together.

1/5 2023
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In other news, i think I saw a fox today.
On my way to the goats. There’s a bridge over a road and a little bit of greenery. I was walking towards the bridge and saw something there. At first I thought maybe it was a stuffed animal toy or something. It didn’t really look like a dog. It looked small and sleeker? But it moved, so I figured oh it must be a dog I guess. But there was no human with it. I kept walking towards it and after 10ish seconds I guess I think it saw me, in any case it moved off and down some stairs at the side of the bridge. I got up there and looked after it but couldn’t see anything. It would be pretty weird for a little dog to be running around there on its own. Of course with my eyesight you never know, could have been a lemur or squirrel.
I do know there are potentially foxes around even though it’s a pretty suburban area. Remember I mentioned we had ‘lost’ a hen? Yeah, according to Jeanette one was taken by a fox. It’s a dangerous world in the suburban jungle.
1/5 2023
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Here’s Sky on the mountain top. You’ll have to imagine the pirouette for now.

2/5 2023
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Video evidence that I can still laugh. A couple of highlights from the litles on the mountain. I wish I’d gotten Sky’s first pirouette jump on video, that was the best one. But there’s some cute stuff in here too.
2/5 2023
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Did you know that in Danish the idea of “haggling about the price” is called “prutte om prisen” which translates to “farting about the price”.
The more you now.
2/5 2023
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Here’s a little video of Henrietta Solo flapping her way up to the hay shelf. That’s her favourite spot, in the box of hay up there.
A little later she went into a long squawking fit, which made Jeanette go “A couple of weeks ago this would have sent Mia running out with an indignant look on her face”. That made me smile with one side of my face and cry with the other, as the saying probably doesn’t go. Yeah, when the feathers went into a long loud squawk it would startle the goats and they’d come out and stare like “what is that noise, keep it down!”.
And then Jeanette collected three eggs that Henrietta had layed up there.
3/5 2023
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It’s hard to get a good photo of the three of us all in the frame. This is the best I could do. I love the littles. Don’t know where I’d be without them now.
It’s been two weeks since Mia left us. The immediate blunt force trauma is easing slowly, but man I’m still feeling a ton of depression and sadness. Not surprising, and nothing wrong with that. Just gotta keep on keeping on. It’s difficult, though. Feels like there’s nothing to look forward to now. No point to anything.
Good thing I have a lifetime’s experience of pushing my way through the dense fog of depression, eh? Woohoo. One foot ahead of the other, until you get to a cliff or a slice of pizza.

3/5 2023
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Got out and spent some good time with the littles again. They seem to be in pretty good spirits. Only screaming when I dare to leave them, otherwise just the regular bleatings. Maybe a little more than usual, but at least not the desperate screams all day.
We had a good playtime again too. The kids racing up and down the mountain and hill. This time I wasn’t up on the mountain, which gave them more room to run back and forth on it. A couple of times Sky darted down the mountain and up the hill to the goat house, and Milo, who is a little slower I think, was left on the mountain by himself and it was like he couldn’t decide which route to take down, so he ended up running back and forth a couple of times before heading down. It was really cute. LEFT RIGHT LEFT OKAY DOWN! They got a laugh out of me again, which was good. That thing about maybe not goating anymore that i sad right after Mia passed, well those thoughts are long gone. What would I do without Milo and Sky? Hopefully we will be okay together.
4/5 2023
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It was a little colder today, so siesta was taken inside.

4/5 2023
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Here is some lovely fun from yesterday. Milo and Sky playing on the hill and mountain. And uncle Treatbag providing the laughtrack. I like how Milo snorts every time he runs away and up the hill. And Sky’s impressive jump over the bench. It’s so good to have some happy moments together.
5/5 2023
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Hope you’re all having a good weekend. Here is Milo and Sky relaxing. with a friend.

6/5 2023
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I have been doing pretty well at not letting the sadness in the last few days. Not thinking about it is obviously the best way to deal with things, as most mental health professionals will tell you.
Feeling it hard right now though, the sadness and depression. Hope I have enough soup to drown it out.
7/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts.

7/5 2023
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Need my happy place.

7/5 2023
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,
..
That’s all for now.