Good goat times with the littles today. It was a high-energy morning. Sky was all afloofed and was running up and down and doing pirouettes. Before I even got into the pen! Normally she does that on the mountain when I get them going. I can’t remember her ever being like that when I arrive in the mornings. Maybe she was just happy to see me. Or maybe she was in heat, there was some posturing and grunts going on. Or maybe it was because of the heat. It was a hot day. One of those humid heats. Bordering on unpleasant at times. So there was a lot of goat panting going on after they’d run around in the heat for a while. And then later a lot of sitting around and relaxing in the sun.
15/5 2023
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Our little bundle of energy. Meanwhile I take 5 minutes and 10 long groans to get up from a sitting position.

15/5 2023
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In other news, I think i’ve hurt a rib.
I gots a hurt in my left rib cage place thing. You k now me and how I constantly break or bruise ribs. I haven’t fallen this time and I haven’t had any experience where I got a rib pushed or anything. But it feels like when I’ve had a bruised rib in the past. Not as bad as the Palle fall, but it hurts when I do certain movements.
So that’s great, nice to have some physical pain to take attention away from the mental pain, hooray. When god closes a window he breaks a rib, as the old saying goes.
I’m fine really, I mean not in general, but just mildly annoyed about the rib. I may have slept on it wrong because i’m sleeping mostly in my chair these days and it’s not a recliner, so I’m sort of sleeping leaning over the side and I probably pushed a rib like that. Either that or one of the oats got me without me noticing.
15/5 2023
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Upclose and Milo.

15/5 2023
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Now I am become fat, destroyer of cakes.
16/5 2023
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Watch out, Sky. I think Milo is planning a prank.

16/5 2023
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Some highlights from Sky’s energetic morning, with uncle Laughtrack in the background.
16/5 2023
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Good goat times with the littles today. Less energetic morning this time, but Sky was quite feisty today. She was headbutting a lot with Milo, and seemed to instigate most of it. Good for her standing up to bigger brother. No doubt he is ascerting his dominance. He’s started doing a bit of the growling thing when I give treats to Sky. Like Mio and Mia before him. I guess it’s just something the dominant goat will do when the ‘lesser’ ones get treats, such an injustice! When I give them treats I usually have to preoccupy Milo a bit with his so I can get one to Sky too. If I try to hand one to Sky first then Milo comes barging in and pushes her away. And then later they’ll sit down snuggled up in the sunshine and be best of friends. I love when they sit all close like that. And when they sit with me, makes me feel part of the flock.
Had some nice visitors at the fence that got to feed apple slices to the goats. And I got to talk to Maja a bit, since Jeanette has Wednesdays off. So that was nice.
17/5 2023
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Action shot of feisty Sky rearing up for the headbutt.

17/5 2023
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Milo and Sky with the visitors. Sorry bout the bad quality. But it was nice to have visitors at the fence again, seems like it’s been a while. The guy on the right was filming on his phone. And jokingly asked the kids about Milo “he doesn’t have a longer beard than me, does he?”. Fraid so. Nobody compete with Milo on that front these days.

17/5 2023
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What’s this? Stacks of pavement tiles in the goat house. I can only assume they are going to be laid out in the goat pen soon. I’m happy about that, I have been telling them that the goats like to sit on them and that they’re good for their hooves. I’m not sure exactly how they will be used, but we’ll see.

18/5 2023
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Fambly bphoto,

18/5 2023
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For the premium subscriberse, more goofy goat highlights. They keep a smile on my face during these times.
18/5 2023
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Milo’s beard is going places.

19/5 2023
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The littles and the shadow.

19/5 2023
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Just got word that my brother Peter is waiting for an ambulance, probably going off to the hospital, possibly heart problems. My dad is with him now.
Hopefully it isn’t too alarming, my dad said his levels weren’t too good, I’m not sure if it was blood pressure or something else.
But send him some positive thoughts if you can. Or family is really taking advantage of the free health care system.
20/5 2023
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A little update about my brother. We a re hoping that he will come home tomorrow. I’m finding it a little hard tto understand exactly what was wrong, but he’s been through a lot of tests, and I think it was something about something being enlarged, not sure if it’s the whole heart or parts of it, or something. And mom said something about them wanting to maybe burn something off or shock it. But then on the other hand apparently they are expecting him to be able to go back to work on Monday. So. I don’t think it’s an emergency life-or-death right now situation, but there’s definitely something wrong. And he’s had ongoing problems with his legs too.
But we’ll see. Hopefully he’ll be back home tomorrow or maybe even late tonight. And we’ll have to see what happens then. But it’s not nothing when you’re rushed off in an ambulance and spending the whole day undergoing tests in the hospital. I think his blood pressure was too low and his pulse too high, they said.
Anyway, thank you all for the good thoughts. I appreciate the support system. My mental state is not good right now, but one day a daying it.
20/5 2023
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Well, my brother is back home. And doing okay. I think he’ll be having more tests, but it sounds like they consider the situation to be closed. I feel like it would be nice to know more about what happened, how it happened, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Heart stuff is scary stuff. But I trust the doctors know what they’re doing. And he’s home and okay, that’s most important for now.
Meanwhile, I was planning to finally get back on my exercise bike today, but instead I slept some 12-13ish hours and feel depressed. But one day a day. Thank you all for caring and listening and supporting.
And also, here’s a goatlog in case you want some goat distractions.

21/5 2023
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Meanwhile, Sky is earthbound.

21/5 2023
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That’s all for now.

Good goat times today. I managed to get out today, despite the raging depression. That’s the forked thing about depression, it’s the time when I need goat time the most but also the time when it’s hardest to get myself to go out.
But I got out and I got goating and it was good. A beautiful day. Lots of sunshines and upwards of 15C(59F. That’s summery for Denmark. Although there was a lot of wind. But when out of the wind it felt lovely. I was sitting in the goat entrance with the littles and Jeanette remarked “you’re getting a good roasting there”. Yes, those goats sure said comedic mean things to me! No no. I roasted in the sun, and I enjoyed that. We had some fun running on the mountain too. It seems like it’s really easy getting Milo and Sky going when I start walking around the mountain. They get are very eager to get goofy up there. Nice to have a good way to get a fix of goat joy.
And I found a new thing that Milo is scared of. Me empying a bottle of water. Yup yup. I decided to bring a water bottle because the forecast was pretty sunny. And when it was time for me to go home I emptied it out on the ground. And Milo darted off to a safe distance and stood there and looked at me like I was the devil preparing for a goat barbecue. He’s such a weirdo. It’s not like I was spraying it at him, just pouring it out on the ground. Maybe he thought it was extremely localised rainshowers. Who knows. I love those kids, I’m glad it can still be a happy place for me. Despite the lurking sadness.
8/5 2023
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Kids on the mountain.

8/5 2023
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Oh by the way, I managed to not hit my head on the fridge today. Instead I hit my head on a cabinet door of one of the kitchen shelves. And I managed to hit it right on the corner of the door, the sharp bit. Stay tuned for more ways to get head aches, pronsored by ashpirins.
8/5 2023
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Note to self: Don’t sit in the shadows like a creepy Bond villain.
i was sitting on the Jeanette chair and Milo sat down at my feet like a sweet lapdog. So I thought I’d set up the camera and take a picture of it. Didn’t realise you’d barely be able to see me in the dark. Oh wells! We got Sky and a clucker there too.

8/5 2023
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Okay, you asked for it.
Did you know that the Danish word for ‘jam’ is ‘syltetøj’ which literally translates to ‘picked clothes’?
The more you now.
9/5 2023
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Sky has a new favourite place to get body scritches, on both sides at once.

9/5 2023
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Well, Trump has been found guilty of sexual assault and defamation. This should seriously strengthen his 2024 presidential run because it completely confirms that he is what we already knew he was when he won the first time. Now let’s get back to all the good guys with guns stopping the bad guys with guns, everything’s fine.
And i’ll go back to shutting up about politics, I just had to fart this out there because it should be noted I can’t stand the world and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, hooray who wants to eat.
9/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts.

9/5 2023
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goatlog

10/5 2023
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Feeling the depression pretty heavily right now. I am trying to keep a routine, do things that make me feel good. But it’s not going great. Blah blah humbug.

10/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts. Thank you everyone.

10/5 2023
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Alright. It’s time to make you all mad and disappointed again. Those who haven’t given up on me anyway, hah.
Well, I blacked out again. Right on schedule, it seems. I was actually going around wondering if it would happen again soon, since it was coming up on a month since the last one. Three or four days early, but almost on schedule. It’s weird that it happens almost on clockwork once a month, isn’t it? If it was some kind of epileptic seizure or whatever, you’d think there were things triggering it and it wouldn’t just happen once a month. I don’t know.
But I know I need to go to the doctor about it. I know I have to. I know it’s not fair and reasonable not to go. I will try to get to a place where I am up to going. It’s just.. not a good time. Even before Mia’s passing i was struggling. And right now I just.. float through the days. I’m barely here, i’m barely able to feel ok. Parts of me feel like everything is over and there’s no point in going on and things will never be okay again. I know there are still good things in my life. It just feels like.. slipping into a permanent coma wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I know, it’s awful to say. I will try to keep going and try to do something about. I can’t promise when it will be.
Today it happened after I had just come home from goating. I was in my apartment getting ready to head to the supermarket. I guess it was lucky it happened while I was at home, in between being out goating and being out shopping. That is one of the things I worry about, what if it happens outside. I don’t know.
I felt that deja vue sense coming again. I had been thinking, along with wondering if it would happen again soon, what if I am aware that’s it’s coming on, can I stop it, can I shake myself and stop it from happening? I think I remember when I started getting that feeling today that it was beginning and I should try to stop it, but obviously I couldn’t. It’s such a weird thing, because I get these sounds and voices in my head from specific youtubers and their videos. I am not sure why my brain is doing that. I wonder if it’s just random, that my brain has somehow conflated those sounds with those feelings, if it could have been anything but now this is just the place my brain goes to when it happens. I can’t imagine the actual videos and youtubers have anything to do with the actual problem. I find it really weird and hard to explain exactly how it happens.
Anyway. I came to I guess around 30-40 minutes later. Had to check teletext on my tv to see what day it was. And then things slowly came back to me. I looked at my camera and looked at photos from the goating I’d done. And the memories of that came back and helped place me in time and space. I had been listening to a book on my mp3 player when it happened. I had to look through that and find where I had gotten to, since it had just kept playing while I was out. At least I didn’t fall. i guess I was just standing there staring into space. I think that’s sort of how dad experienced it when it happened that time he was visiting. But it still sort of puzzles me that i was able to go open the door for him and let him in, it’s like parts of me still work on autopilot or something. I don’t know.
I can’t think of anything particularly diferent I did today that would have triggered it. I haven’t been sleeping enough, but last night I slept for 8ish hours. But I don’t get enough full sleep I think. I sleep mostly in my chair now, I usually wake up every 1-2 hours and then turn over and fall asleep again. Maybe my brain isn’t getting enough fhat deep rem sleep and eventually it just needs to shut down and… empty the trashcan of my brain? But even when I slept in my bed regularly I had a hard time sleeping completely through. I don’t know if any of this is relevant.
Anyway, sorry for rambling on. And sorry for being irresponsible and depressing and whatnot. I’m trying to fake-it-till-you-make it and keep going and hang on to some routines of things that are good, but the reality is I’m a big mess right now.
I really need to get going on getting in better shape too. I have put on a lot of weight I think. I have been eating very poorly and not exercising since Mia’s passing. And even before that I was going in stages of exercising and eating healthy and then falling out of that and doing worse. But the last 3 weeks have been super unhealthy. I need to get that under control.
Ok ok. i’ll stop rambling. i’m going to cook up a pot of soup. It may be the last of the season because i’ll be using my last flourballs (dumplings) and without those it’s just not the same. Dad has been trying to help me find them, but it’s impossible now. You can only get packs of meat and flour balls now. And i cannot have the meatballs.
Okay, soups on.
11/5 2023
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Thank you everyone for all your comments, supportive and suggestive and sharing your own stories. I appreciate it. And I appreciate that it must be frustrating that I’m.. nutcase. I know I need to go to the doctor. I am working on convincing myself to do it, at the end of the day I have to get myself to make the decision and get it done, no one else can do it for me.
See, isn’t it great that I know whaT I should do but I still don’t? I’m awesome like that.
I am working on it.
Meanwhile, a little goat stuff from today to lighten the mood hopefully. This is Jeanette googling “can goats eat spinach” while Milo was trying to eat her fleece. At least she wasn’t wearing a skirt. Jeanette brought some spinach from home, it was supposed to be for the feathers but they apparently didn’t want it. So the goats got to have a go at it. Milo seemed to quite like it, Sky a little less. Later on I had a stalk, or whatever it’s called, of spinach that they hadn’t eaten. And I had it in my hand, lying on the chair. And Milo was butting his head at it. You know how they do when there’s food that’s not quite working for them, and they start butting their head at it like that will fix it. Well because the spinach was on the chair, Milo got a really good grinding session going, just mashing that spinach. He prefers his spinach aggressively chopped I guess. When Jeanette saw him grinding his face on the spinach she went “you’ll get a green face, Milo. Like Jim Carrey in The Mask”. That made me laugh. I LOVED that movie when i was a kid. I loved everything Jim Carrey was in back then. He was probably my favourite actor when I was a young teen boy. I’m the one person who liked Cable Guy.
So yeah, that was a bit of fun. Kids today don’t know how lucky they are running around with google at their disposal everywhere they go. I didn’t have that when I was a kid. I still don’t, seeing as though I don’t have a smartphone.

11/5 2023
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Shoutout to my dad, he found flourballs. I will be able to have soup for a least a few weeks, probably more. That will also help me as I try to get to eating healthier. So that’s something. Here we go! Soon.
12/5 2023
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Milo and the feathers are dancing around the spinach tree. Jeanette hung the leftovers of the spinach up there. The stuff that didn’t get ground into a fine pulp my the bandit anyway.

12/5 2023
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How loud can you scream without making a sound?
12/5 2023
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Think goat thoughts. For the premium subscribers, here are some goat fun highlights. i set the camera down to get some alternate angles of the kids zooming around. And with guest appearances by jeanette, myself and the cluckers.
I was just going through my winamp playlist to get new songs to add to my exercise mix to help motivate me to get back to exercising. Smart plan, right? I forgot to account for the fact that i have an absolutel shirt-ton of emotional music in my winamp. So I just spent some fun time crying and silently screaming into the void. But watching Milo and Sky get silly is lifting my mood. Hope it can give you a smile too.
12/5 2023
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Hope you’re having a good weekend. Here’s a bit of video of Milo bugging Jeanette while she was googling about spinach. If you’re wondering why she spoke English, it’s because she was complaining about often not being able to find good search rresults when trying to find out if it’s okay to feed specific things to the goats. So I told her I usually search for it in English and that often works fine for me.
I do most stuff in English anyway.
Oh and if you’re wondering, goats can have spinach but it’s not great for them to get too much of it, so only in moderation.
13/5 2023
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Here’s a cute photo. Milo with a Sky beard.

13/5 2023
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It’s a good thing goats don’t drink, or I’d start wondering if sky might have a problem. Guess we don’t need an intervention. She cracks me up though, the way she just grinds around on the mountain.

14/5 2023
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Happy Mother’s Day, mothers.

14/5 2023
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That’s all for now.