I did not resist taking a nap yesterday. And so when it became night I did not sleep well. Tossing turning. Now I am tired and my body is sore. Weak mind, weak flesh.

The computer is still not working. I am trying to repair windows, but it keeps stalling. I could probably do a clean reinstall, but I don’t wanna. Instead I wanna buy a new hard drive. I was going to run out of space at some time anyway. So, buy a new hard drive. Make it the master. Install Windows on it. Boot from that. Save all files from old hard drive and delete that Windows installation. That’s the plan.

In fact I went to buy the new hard drive today. ComputerCity had Sunday open. I went there. And then aborted the mission, because I wasn’t sure if it was the right kind of hard drive. Waste of time. And on Sundays the busses don’t go very often. So waste of much time. Booger all. I shall continue tomorrow though. After work I’ll look in some shops downtown. Find a proper hard drive. And everything will be fine and I will be happy and the birds will be singing and people will walk by me in the streets and sing as if we were all in a Disney cartoon.

Before I went on my failed hard drive mission I stopped by the playground. Spent some time with the goats and the lambs. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They are my sunshine.

I met Bodil there. (old picture). And her dog Lulu. Hadn’t seen her for a while. Nice to talk a little. She can never remember if my name is Lasse or Mikkel, because she has had two dogs with those names. So she remembers that I have the same name as one of her old dogs, just not which one it is. Hehe. She told me that she was looking forward to seeing my pictures. She had been talking to Pernille about them. Apparently Pernille told her that the pictures were really great. That naturally made me happy. She said that the pictures showed that I really knew the place and that I had the time to really sit and find the good situations. Sweet. It means a lot to me that people seem to like them. It’ll be great to have them up on the walls. Bodil was the one who suggested it in the first place, so it’ll be nice when she gets the chance to see them.

Lulu was also very sweet. Bodil said that she didn’t just get friendly with everybody. But she really liked me. She jumped up on my leg and let me nuzzle and pet her. And when I started to leave she didn’t want me to go. She’s a cute little dog.

So I’m trying to think of the good things. And not let myself get too down. This computer thing hasn’t exactly happened at the best time. The sleeping unwell, the sickey, the new meds maybe not effective yet. Depression struck. Funny, not many days ago I was kinda getting excited at the prospect of moving out, I was imagining getting a kitten and setting up a computer room and almost looking forward to it and wanting to make an increased effort to make it happen. And then bam, instead all my thoughts go to methods of suicide and wanting to stay in bed all day. I was thinking about alcohol poisoning, since I have practically never had alcohol in my life. I must have no resistance. But then I read something about it being painful and you’re more likely to choke on your own vomit and so on. And I guess I am still too chicken. Or maybe I still want to live. I don’t know. Maybe a failed suicide attempt wouldn’t be too bad. A cry for help, maybe I’d be commited. As long as I had a computer and a tv then I could probably have a nice enough life in a psych ward, no pressure of real life and stuff. Sometimes I have had fantasies of commiting horrible crimes just to be sent to jail, because then I wouldn’t have to worry about real life. Not have to think for myself. Of course I’d probably be gang-raped by bikers or something. And I’m sure prison life isn’t as romantic as it seems. Haha. Hah. But seriously, the idea of not having to take responsibility for my own life is seductive sometimes.

Sorry. Must try not to think negatively. Tomorrow everything will be better. No worries.

Oh yes, Luis, I do give apples to Sille. And Musse. They don’t exactly come running to me. They are very calm most of the time, so they sort of come trodding slowly. Sometimes I’ll be sitting on the bench up to the fence and I’ll be all focused on the goats and then I’ll get the strange feeling that someone is watching me and then I’ll look up and there is a giant horse head hovering over me. I’ll be so engrossed with the goats that I don’t even notice Sille walking up to the fence and looking down on me.

Alright. That’s all for now. Beam me up, Scottish.

Nope. Sleeping on it did not work.

My windows seems to be stuck in a repair loop. I will probably have to do a full reinstall. It’s not the end of the world. I will just lose months and months of work. It’s only a couple of days ago that I smiled at myself and thought “I should make backups soon”. And then I decided it could wait a while. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of the world.

On a brighter note, my diarrhea seems to be gone. And I seem to have found a good way to swallow my new meds. With a sip of cola instead of water. Go figure. It says on the package that it’s best to take them with a meal. Well, cola is a sort of meal…

Fed the animals today. Very good. It made me want to lock myself in with the goats and stay up there all day though. That place is much nicer than the real world.

I feel like going to bed again. Sleeping. But it’s barely noon. I know that taking a nap will just make it impossible to sleep tonight, I will toss and turn and feel horrible again. But still, the bed calls.

I know it’s stupid to let a little thing like a computer failure get me down. I just feel despondent. What is the point. Why oh why etcetera.

At least I forgot to look for razorblades. I wonder what a gun costs? I have a fair bit of cash stacked away, I oughta be able to afford one. And I don’t have a criminal record. I wonder what kind of background checks they do, will they be able to see that I’m on anti-depressants. I guess they oughta. Wouldn’t be smart to sell guns to depressed people. Wouldn’t be smart at all.

But how am I then supposed to defend myself against terrorism and al-qaeda? What the government can torture people but I can’t defend myself against the bears?

Don’t worry, just a little pity party and whining. I will be fine. I’ll go eat an early dinner and watch simpsons and drink three kinds of soda and then see if I can avoid sleeping. It’s not the end of the world. I have this old computer, there’s soccer on the telly tonight and I’m sure there’s a sale on dynamite somewhere.