Ugh. I am tired. And my head hurts. My feet hurt. I have a blister. It’s been a long day.

Therapy was hard. Afterwards I was walking around in the sun. Missed my bus. Complained about my camera at the store. More walking.

I’m looking forward to going to bed now.

So group therapy. Third session. At first it seemed like any of the other sessions. But then we had to do an exercise. It was like my heart froze when Signe said it. We had to pair up two and two. And turn our chairs to face each other.

Panic panic panic. Sitting face to face with someone. Talking to them. That is one of the scariest things I can imagine.

The exercise was about self-focus. I’ll try not to go into a long lecture about it. But basically when your phobia kicks in then you focus a lot on yourself. Your symptoms and feeling and such. So it’s important to learn to focus on other things, the person you’re talking to or the surroundings for example. So, in the exercise we had to first talk 2 minutes where we focus a lot on ourselves, focus inwards. And then talk 2 minutes where we focus outwards, on other things. In order for us to experience the difference.

I was paired with Vibe. She was going first, doing the talking first. So I just had to sit and listen to her. That wasn’t easy though. Especially in round 2, where I knew that she was going to be focusing outwards, and therefore focusing on me. I can’t stand being the center of attention. It almost physically hurts when people look at me. So that was tough. And when she was done it was my turn to talk. I chose to talk about my trip to the Netherlands to see Skye. Really, that was something too intimate for me to start talking to a stranger about. But I didn’t know what to pick. Something that I could talk about for 4 minutes? I have nothing in my life that can’t be described in 20 seconds. Sort of. So I told that story. First 2 minutes where I focused on myself. And then 2 minutes where I focused on other things. That was hard though. Because the room was full of therapists and observers and people talking. When I tried to steer my focus away from myself then it just bumped into a “You’re in group therapy and you’re being evaluated” wall.

I got through it. But it was one of the hardest things I have done in a long while. Very confrontational. Pushing boundaries. Still, that’s what it’s all about. You have to confront your fears etc. And Vibe was a good partner. In the 2nd round I started stumbling a little on my words, wasn’t sure what to say. But she asked some questions and helped me a long like that. So that was good.

When it was all said and done we went around the circle and everyone talked about how it had been and if they felt the difference between focusing on yourself and focusing on something/someone else. I was the first one to talk about my experience. Vibe was the last. And she gave me a big surprise.

I was a little nervous that she would say something like “this was a hard exercise because Lasse is such a bad partner, he’s hard to talk to etc”. But no. She said I had actually helped her. Because I seemed so interested in what she said. And because I had such a kind face and such friendly eyes. Wow.

Wow.

That I did not expect. It came like a lightning bolt. In the situation where I had been listening to her I had thought that she would be thinking that I was weird, that I was a bad partner. It never occured to me that she would think anything positive about me. She said that too, afterwards. That she realized that it probably wasn’t something that I knew. And that’s why she wanted to mention it. And Signe said “yes, and now he does know. And what do you think about that Lasse?”. And what did I think about it? It was wonderful to hear of course. Vibe didn’t have to say anything positive about me. She didn’t have to say anything about me period. It was her own experience she was evaluating. Nobody asked her about me, it was her own iniative to say something nice about me.

What an odd feeling. Hehe.

I know some of you guys have said I look kind too, and that the animals like me because I’m kind and such. But still, it’s easy to think that “Oh I look kind on that picture, that means I’m butt ugly but I have a nice personality”. Not that I don’t appreciate the nice things you say, you know I do immensely. But it still something quite amazing to hear it from someone who doesn’t have to say anything positive, who doesn’t have to say anything at all. But who says it face to face. And who says it in a situation that’s really hard and stressful for everyone. It was just… striking.

When our sessions are over we always go around the circle and everyone says what was best and what was worst for them in that session. For me the worst was our exercise, the hardest for me. Sitting and talking with another person. And the best was obviously the response I got from Vibe. I really got something good out of it today.

Sometimes I really feel like life could turn out okay after all. And what a nice feeling that is.

My mother is in Copenhafen for 3 days. Luckily no depression has turned up. I tried one of her “healthy icecream bars”. Not surprisingly it sucked. It’s just a fact of life. Everything that’s good for you sucks. Be it food or hard therapy or whatever.

But hopefully worth it in the end.

I think it will be.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 at 22:12 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.