Today is a month since Magnethe passed away.
I still miss her a lot. Of course. Every time I look at a picture of her I get the urge to scratch the bridge of her nose. I don’t know if it has completely sunk in that I’m never going to see her again. I think there’s still a part of me that expects her to come back some day. That she’s been taken out on grass for the summer like they do with the horses. Like it can’t be true that she’s gone forever. But I know she is. Sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday and sometimes it feels like a lot of time has passed already. Time has a way of doing that.
Life does go on. And I’m adjusting to it. The first few times back at the playground were hard. Sometimes it felt like there was no point in going again. Mio, Kamel, Bob, Preben. They’re all wonderful goats. But I haven’t known them for that long. And Magnethe was so dominant that things sort of revolved around her. So I haven’t gotten to be really close with the others. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as close to any of them as I were with Magnethe. Or Mads. The first few times back at the playground it was hard to imagine that I would. It was like going to a party that you used to go to with your best friend but now you’re there on your own and you don’t even know if you’re going to fit in without your friend there. You spent all your time there with your friend and now you’re worried no one else there will actually like you.
At least I’m not overthinking things!
But it did get better. With the help of the human peoples too. The kids that came and I got to talk to them and help them with the goats. That brought some happiness and feeling more connected to the place again. And just spending more time there, it has been good and I have been happy with the goats. It’s also been really good that I have gotten to see Kurt and Bodil, and Sigrid who is great as well. It makes the playground feel like home again, even if there’s a dear family member missing.
I look at Bob and I hope that we can get to be really close. There’s a part of Magnethe in him. Most of the goats are some shades of white, Magnethe was almost all reddish brown. And Bob is the prettiest black almost all over. They do stand out. I hope he gets to grow old and happy at the playground. I like the thought of the two of us ten years from now sitting together and looking back at hopefully mostly good times. I spent so much time with the original three goats, Mathilde, Mads and Magnethe. It’s like a new era now. Starting from scratch. I don’t know if it will be as good, but I know I still need the goats. I still need the playground and the people there. It is still an important part of my life. And I’d like to see Magnethe’s boy grow up to be the king of the place. I’m sure Magnethe would like that as well. I hope she’s up there somewhere on the endless grass field in the sky and peeking down on us now and then. When she’s not butting heads with Mads or dozing off in the sunshine. I don’t know if it rains up there, but I’m pretty sure Magnethe would not like the summer rain the way the current crop of goats seem to.
Her memory lives on. Forever with me, certainly.
I’ll end the entry with three pictures from the last week I had with her.
Oh and I uploaded an old video. From 2005. With Mads and Magnethe. And Kurt.
Look at them running along. So sweet. It was at the end of the day and Kurt was setting Mads free from his leash. It wasn’t often he was on a leash because he always felt it was a great injustice and made sure to tell everyone who wanted to hear about it. I still remember that day. How they ran back home. And it’s a really beautiful memory to me. I miss those two.