Famous Last Words
I wanted to go to the library and pick up the books I have waiting for me. I didn’t. I wanted to go to the playground and see the goats. I didn’t. It’s snowing outside. Calm and pretty. And cold.
I am not feeling altogether well. I was lying in my bed, looking at my blanket. And it almost felt like the blanket was too heavy for me to lift. Like I couldn’t get out of bed. I just looked at the blanket. The patterns. Sometimes I have to wrap my arms around myself, I’m not sure why. Maybe to feel like I’m being held?
I think more about dying than about getting well. I hope when I die my sins will be forgiven. I’m not religious, I don’t mean that I want to go to heaven. I just mean… I try to be a good person, but I don’t always succeed. I am sorry for the things I have done wrong, and I am sorry for the things I haven’t done. And they say you shouldn’t regret anything, but I regret a lot. Not that it does anyone any good.
I am not planning on dying, don’t worry. I just wanted it written down somewhere. Stated as a fact. That I am sorry and I hope you will remember the good things about me.
The library is closed tomorrow. But I’ll try and go see the goats. Go out in the snow, hopefully it will still be there. And I’ll try to get back to work on Monday. Sometimes my excuses run together. Am I sick? Is it my back? Or am I just unable to lift the blanket away? I’m trying…
March 5th, 2006 at 18:31
Hi ;) I just don’t know what’s happenin with the weather and all, but a lot of people feel really tired these days. My head feels heavy n kinda dizzy for the past couple of days. One day I slept for 14 hours n it still wasn’t enough. Sometimes I get that u2 song ‘stuck in a moment’ in my mind. Trust me, it does have to do a lot with the weather. But the good news is: SNOW! I hope it will bring you joy tomorrow.
You know, I think having regrets makes one evolve in a way, because you realize that you can do better in the future or maybe learn from your mistakes. That’s what’s so great about the future, always having a second chance to do things differently, because the past is our teacher I believe, sometimes very strict n rough, but for a good reason. But just like a teacher, it doesn’t want you to stick to it for long. You learn what you can from her and then you put things in practise on your own.
It’s kinda weird, but I also thought today about how people would remember me after I’m gone, what they would say. And somehow I felt that it would make me a lot more proud, if someone remembered me for a warm smile or a good word, rather than for some fancy invention, looks or anything similar to that, cause it would be flattering, but hardly real. And I think it would be great if someone said ‘she was crazy’. In that word I want to fit in the way I sometimes said silly stuff, how I giggled in the class making noises similar to ‘oink’ at serious moments, how I liked having my space and walking alone in the park, how I was different. Plume, sometimes what’s a mistake in our opinion is a totally different thing in the universe’s point of view. It’s like butterfly effect, if you wouldn’t have done something at a particular time, things would have happened in a different way and sometimes out of bad or wrong comes something good. We don’t know what the plan is. For example, I once didn’t close the door to the corridor to our and our neighbor’s appartment and my little neighbor’s bicycle was stolen. The door had a huge glass window and anyone could’ve spotted it and stolen it at night, we warned our neighbor’s a couple of times. Still it was mostly my fault. I regreted this and felt terrible. But then, my mom came up to me and said ‘how do you know that what had happened is wrong? maybe our cute little neighbor would’ve taken that bike for a ride and gotten into an accident (he wasn’t too good at riding it)? sounds awful, but what do we know? how come you feel like you’ve stolen that bike?’ and I knew that we live on the 10th floor and the door was closed, just not locked. So somebody knew that the bike was there and kept checking on it… so I let the bad thoughts go, though it wasn’t easy. and I made a promise to myself to somehow make up for the yellow bike, like give him a good hug when he needs it or getting him something nice for x-mas.
Now I’m not saying that we shouldn’t always do our best to do things right, but if we sometimes fail, it doesn’t mean we are bad and it probably means that we are human, not robots. When my friend told me that he used to cut himself when feeling bad, he thought I would change my mind about him, see his imperfect side (like the other side of the moon that doesn’t show). And I told him ‘knowing that you’re so very human makes me appreciate you even more’.
Please, do tell me if my comments get too long or boring. I guess I have so much to write because I also contemplate on these same questions you do. I wanted to share with you my point of view.
I think you need a hug dear Plume. So I’m sending you a big and fuzzy one! :)))
p.s. say hi to the lovely playground animals from da girl from Lithuania. and please, don’t tell them I called their salt stick toilet paper :D unless they all have a good sense of humor. I hope it’s a deal ;)
take care!
March 5th, 2006 at 18:35
p.p.s. and one more hug… especially for the last two words in this entry :)