Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
I cried myself to sleep last night. I was feeling quite happy after posting the goat kid pictures. But then someone told me something about myself and it pulled the rug away from under my feet. Broke me down. It hurt. And the reason it hurt was because it was true. It was like a spike through my heart. I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. Words can still hurt me.
I couldn’t look in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. I couldn’t look myself in the eyes, I just stared into the floor the entire time I was in the bath room. I don’t remember the last time I have cried so much, so deeply. I just feel like all the progress I thought I had made is a lie, that all my hope has been taken away. But what can I do? I can’t kill myself off. I can’t give up. I guess I just have to keep going and see what happens.
On the plus side I have been having awesome dreams. I have pretty much slept all day. And I’m still tired. Because of the new meds. That’s not really nice, but the dreams are. Glorious surreal stories. I wish I could tape them and rewatch them with a clear head. It’s a good thing that it’s easter holiday, I don’t know if I could go to work like this.
Don’t let my temporary setback stop you from enjoying the goat kids, though. I will be fine. I’m going to go and try to make pancakes for dinner. I have never made pancakes before. Cross your fingers for me. And if you see a giant flour explosion on the news tonight, then know that I’ll be in heaven, eating pancakes with my grandparents.
April 15th, 2006 at 19:01
Keep your doctor posted. Your meds might need adjusting.
April 15th, 2006 at 19:22
Mirrors just show the external part of a person. I always taught my children to look from the inside out. It’s what is inside that counts and I think that by what you write you are a very good and kind person on the inside, there is alot of beauty in that. Be kind to yourself, sometimes it is the only person you got on your side…well besides us. Be gentle on yourself, you deserve it, and go enjoy those kids and brings us back some pictures. They seem to get so big overnight. Take care my friend.
April 15th, 2006 at 20:39
Plume, I am so sorry. I don’t normally click through to your blog but just read the LJ feed so I hadn’t seen the comments. I don’t know if it was this Fume person who set you off yesterday, but I wish you didn’t hurt like you do. Echoing what everyone else has said, you truly are a strong and incredible person who has come SO far. You have no cause to feel ashamed of yourself about who you are or where you’ve been and particularly not about what you are becoming.
As far as pancakes go, don’t be too bummed if they don’t work out. I’ve been trying to make them for years and can’t get it right- they come out burned no matter what.
April 15th, 2006 at 22:02
I might not be right, but the things that hurt us most often come from the ones we care about. But no matter who said it to you Plume, your progress is there and it is very obvious. You’re going step by step & that is the best way, because everything that comes over night can go over night too. The progress is there my friend.
Sometimes ppl can be like vultures, they sense that you are happy, maybe happier or luckier than they are at the given moment and they just wanna bite you… or in other words put ‘pull the rug away from under your feet’. And most of the time after doing this they feel a lot worse. So there is a possibilty this person is feeling like shit right now. Too bad that the regret and apologies come later, after saying something without thinking, being angry or just plain stupid. Too bad.
You know, I’d say that sometimes crying is a good thing. Emotions sort of pour out. I cried myself to sleep last night. Because I felt kinda confused. Maybe it’s a ‘cry yourself to sleep week’. Woke up with puffy eyes. And I said to myself ‘hello there oh wise puffin’. The best thing is to not lose your sense of humor. And your my dear friend is in the right place :) So I say, you cleared out your eyes, you tried to make pancakes (a man trying to make pancakes deserves a medal!) and everything will be ok. Let us know how the baking went. I’m with Lindsay on this one, cause I always make coal flavored pancakes :D
hugs!
April 16th, 2006 at 13:55
I hope you feel better soon. You deserve peace and happiness in your life.
Take care.
April 16th, 2006 at 18:09
Happy Easter dear Plume :)