The weather is schizophrenic these days. One moment it’s warm and sunny. Like summer. And then suddenly the clouds come rolling in.

Just for a little rainshower. Then the sun comes back.

It was hailing yesterday even. Fairly big hails. Hail is like snow gone bad. It’s snow’s evil twin. Somewhere in the sky a dimensional portal has opened up and all the evil hail is rushing out with only one goal: to strike fear in man.

Dear diary, I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to tell you a couple of things. I forgot to tell you that I had the chance to study the cute bargirl a little. I was waiting for my lemonade, and she was doing dishes in the back. She had a nice pair of earrings. And I think those sort of dread things in her hair are gone. Her hair isn’t totally straight, just sort of frayed now. Or something like that. I love the colour of her hair though. Beautiful. She was reaching up for a cupboard, which made her shirt ride up. I could see a bit of her waist and hip. She is quite pale. And slender.

Dear diary, I wonder what it feels like to be slender? I almost can’t imagine being thin. It must be strange. I wonder if thin people look down and think to themselves “wow, I’m really thin”. They would probably appreciate it more if they had ever been fat.

I also forgot to tell you about the nice, little boy at the playground yesterday. I was bringing leaves and branches to Mathilde and the other goats. And he came up to me and asked if he could help me. “Of course” I said. He thought I worked at the playground. People seem to keep thinking that. Maybe if I keep going I will make everyone think I work there and they will just have no choice but to hire me. It’s a plan. Like Kramer did in Seinfeld. Or was it George? I can’t remember now. But anyway, just show up for work even though you don’t work there. That was Kramer, right? But George got fired and pretended it was a joke.

Sorry, sometimes my mind tends to wander. He was a nice little boy. He told me about another one of the boys, a boy who was always mean to the animals. At school too. But this little boy said “but I’m always good to the animals, that’s why they like me”. From the mouths of babes.

Today was my last therapy session at the anxiety clinic. I celebrated by working up the courage to ask Tanja if it would be okay for me to take a picture of her.

“Of me? Okay, where do you want me?”

No reason to worry.

And I’m glad I got the picture. I want to remember her. She has been good to me. I have made quite a bit of progress. And I have been happy with her.

After the summer vacation I will start group sessions. That will be scary. But we talked about that today too. “High risk situations” and how to avoid relapses. Situations like moving out on my own. Like starting the group sessions. Situations where I’m at risk. Where relapses are possible. And how to handle that. It’s important to keep going now. I’ll be on my own with the exercises for a while. But I must keep at it.

We have made a plan of things I should do over the summer. Things to practice. Goals and methods.

I would like to go see Star Wars in the cinema. I just wonder if this weekend will be too soon? I don’t want it to be totally overcrowded. But I’m looking forward to seeing it.

I rounded the day off with a nice time at the playground. I swear to god, sitting in the sunshine with the lambs lying in the grass in the distance, Magnethe lying right behind me, Mads standing next to me and Mathilde next to him… it’s beautiful. I feel the need to swear. Cover your ears children.

It’s FUCKING beautiful.

Especially since Mads calmed a little down. It’s hard to enjoy an idyllic moment when he’s trying to chew me up. But he chilled out and was just standing next to me while I nuzzled his neck. Mathilde was grassing. Magnethe relaxing. And I was just sitting there, feeling happy and at ease. I should have had a blanket and just lied down and relaxed there.

The lambs were being a bit naughty too, though.

They kept running out on the little parking lot next to the grass. I was worried they’d start finding their way out to the road, like the goats did a couple of days ago. So I went after them and picked one of them up and carried him back to mama sheep. And then the other one would come sprinting back too, because they are after all inseperable. It happened three times I think. And it happened once with Magnethe. Of course I didn’t mind, because I got to pick them up and carry them around. Which is a lot of fun. Even though they are getting big now. It’s hard on my back. But who cares, carrying a lamb or a goat kid, what’s not to like?

And later they relaxed in the sun of course.

I picked up Magnethe a few times while I was sitting down too. She’s so wonderful. I would hug her so tight if I wasn’t afraid I’d crush her. But just holding her close, it’s so sweet. I wish she’d never grow too big for that.

One of my favourite things too. When they get their legs up on me. Sometimes they start poking me. It’s fun. And I can grab their leg and pretend like I’m shaking their hands.

I was holding out a branch for Mathilde and Magnethe wanted to eat from it too. It was too high for her though. And before I could lower it Magnethe went up on her hind legs. And then she was waving her front legs around in the air. I took a hold of them. Can you picture it? Magnethe was standing upright on her hind legs, her front legs in my hand. And she was eating from the branch. Sweet. If I had put some music on and started moving around then I would have been dancing with her.

Dear diary, sometimes I fear I might be going crazy.

Mathilde was tied down again. But she seemed happier than yesterday. Apart from that one time when Magnethe was running out in the parking lot. That was why I went and picked up Magnethe and brought her back. Mathilde was baahing and walking around in circles. She seemed stressed that she couldn’t go with Magnethe.

But I brought back Magnethe and then everything was fine again.

I do hope they don’t have to keep her tied up all the time. Maybe I should ask the people at the playground if they can untie her when I’m around? I can keep a watch over them so they don’t go running out on the parking lots and roads. And then Mathilde wouldn’t have to be tied up for so long.

Maybe I’ll try to talk to them about it. It would be nice to do that for Mathilde. And to get more involved at the playground. I’ll see.

That’s all for today. Tomorrow my social worker is coming to Kulturgyngen for a meeting with Sanne and I. Hope that will go well. And then later that day I shall be swooning over the second-to-last episode of the Lost season. And after that there is a live Brøndby game on the telly.

Dear diary, life ain’t bad.

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