Late At Night When I’m Driving
It’s funny how things change. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. Sometimes so fast you don’t notice it. Sometimes so slowly you don’t notice it.
Yesterday I felt fine. Today I stayed in bed till 1 am. Instead of going to see my therapist I stayed in bed and thought about dying. Maybe something changed during the night. Maybe it’s all due to those two missing pills.
When I was a kid I read a million books. I would go through them like a hot knife through butter. Now I have to work for it. Every night when I finish reading, before I go to sleep, I look at the bookmark and see how far I’ve come. And I will think things like “oh you’re almost halfway through, you’re doing well”. Which is odd because I do enjoy reading the book and it’s not like it’s something I want to get over with. But a fresh new book seems like a mountain to climb, whereas when I was a kid it was just a plain field to run across.
I sometimes wonder why it’s called “falling in love”. Love never seemed easy to me. Not something you just trip over. Falling for someone. The fallen.
It’s late. I have to go to bed. I have to try to go to work tomorrow. Otherwise I might keep falling. You never know where I’ll end up.
May 2nd, 2006 at 9:34
Plume, I understand how you feel. Sometimes feelings like these can creep up on you over night like unexpected visitors. But I have a feeling this might be connected with your meds. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 10th and my meds run out on the 5th. She’s a busy woman and all, but I will call her and ask for a tiny little bit of her time which would be enough for her to sign me a prescription & I’d be on my way. I know it ain’t easy, but do call your therapist and ask her for that tiny little bit, I’m sure she’ll understand, because the success of your treatment depends on this. If not, thursday is not that far away.
I’m telling you as a friend that you’ll need all the help you can get for battling these uneasy feelings & you should use the possibilities.
About the books, maybe you can’t really concentrate on them for now, but it will change with time, try not to worry or pressure yourself.
I believe you can fall for someone, but the rest is hard work & compromise. Love is hard work, not only sunbeams and butterflies. Without the work it goes just as easily as it comes. That’s what I think.
I wish you all the best of luck, hope everything will change for the better soon!
Hugs!