I have had a busy couple of days. Well, not really busy. Just some stressful things. And unfortunately no animals. I didn’t go yesterday. And when I went today the animals were all inside and their houses locked. How unfair. Now I can’t see them before Monday. Four and a half day without animal loving. Bummer. I really should have a goat in my back yard.

What stressful things have I been up to then?

Yesterday I had the meeting with my social worker. Never met her before. She came to Kulturgyngen and we sat down with my boss and talked. The meeting room was occupied so we had to go sit in the bar. Where people were working and making noises. And also the cute bargirl was walking around, cleaning and putting flowers on tables and so on. It’s very hard to concentrate on the future when you have such a cute girl virtually dancing around in front of you.

But the meeting went okay. We talked about how things are going. At work. And with my therapy. The group sessions I will be starting. And we discussed some things I could try to work on at work. Like having lunch up in the bar. And with others. Things like that. And for now the plan is for me to stay at Kulturgyngen and work especially on the social things, while continuing the therapy. That was the result of the meeting and that’s what I expected. And it’s the best too, I think. Things are progressing. It’s important for me to feel safe and comfortable, if I was going to start working somewhere else or doing something new then I would feel like I was starting all over. And then I would have to spend energy on that. Better to spend the energy on moving forward with the important things.

After that I hurried home and watched Lost. The best show ever. The Black Rock eh? Wow. I have to be careful about spoilers though. I seem to have gotten Skye hooked on Lost too. Or at least mildly interested. So I don’t want to spoil it for her. But wow. I can’t wait till the finale next week.

I still want the monster to be a giant robot dinosaur. But that’s just me.

I also watched Revenge of the Sith. I’m tired now because I stayed up way too late to watch it. I am weak. I couldn’t help it. I might still go see it in the cinema. And I will definitely be buying the DVD. I am not an evil pirate.

Pirate, Black Rock. Get it?

Anyway. I won’t do a big Episode 3 review. Just a little one: some really cool scenes. The best of the prequels. I think what it all boils down to with the prequels is that they shouldn’t have been made. There was no way they could ever live up to the expectations. And for the few really good things they introduced there were just too many bad things along on the ride. The story would have been better left to our imagination. That’s what I think.

I still love Star Wars though and if George decided to make Episode 7-9 I’d jump up and down with happiness even though I knew they would suck too.

I think Anakin went to the dark side too easily. He should have gone over when Padme died. I didn’t buy the “I’ll be your apprentice” thing.

But enough about that.

This morning. Standing at the bus stop. Grey clouds. The leaves moving in the wind. Birds flying over my head. I had a nice little self-aware moment. Seeing little tiny details everywhere, little tiny details that added up to a beautiful whole. A content feeling. Not feeling out of place, for once.

Things went fine at work. Cute bargirl was sitting out in the room outside our office, having lunch. She was smoking too. I don’t like smoking. But when her lips formed a beautiful red oval and she slowly exhaled smoke… that was hot.

After work I went to a reception. Yup. That was stressful. It was at City Sleep-in. A hostel owned by Kulturgyngen. They had an anniversary today. We were all invited. Normally I would never go to such a thing. Lots of strangers, dressed up nicely. But I decided that it would be a good therapy exercise.

I only lasted 15-20 minutes. But that’s okay. It was pretty boring. I’m not a person who can go around and small-talk and mingle. And I don’t drink so the free beer didn’t do anything for me. I pretty much stayed close to Sanne and smiled to everyone. While the nervousness inside me grew. It’s hard, being in a small place with a bunch of people I don’t know. But to look at the bright side, I took the chance and did it. Instead of going to the bus and heading home I went to the hostel and faced my fears. And I stayed there a little while even though all my social phobic senses were telling me to run.

I also saw Flemming Knudsen. The former mayor of Århus. He was at the reception. In a nice suit. I wanted to take a picture of him, but I guess it would have been rude.

I bought two jackets today. At a thrift store. Where the proceeds go to charity. I have been looking for a summer jacket for a while. I get uncomfortable when I go into the “fancier” stores. The stores where well-dressed people go. I am not well-dressed. When I step inside I can practically hear the salesmen thinking “What the hell is that guy doing here? I’m not going to sell my clothes to him, we would go out of business if people saw him wearing them”. Or maybe it’s the social phobia talking.

It’s kind of hard going through life being convinced that everyone who looks at you is judging you, is laughing behind your back, is whispering to their friend about you. It makes you want to avoid being looked at, at all costs. It’s really hard to turn it around. Like my therapist said “you’ve had years of training in thinking negatively about yourself”. Can’t expect to just change those thoughts overnight.

I will never be handsome or beautiful or maybe even completely normal. But I still want to be able to walk down the street and enjoy the little details, feel comfortable in my skin, enjoy the weather. And NOT think about what everyone else might be thinking.

I’m working on it.

I have been handing out promos. Or not handing out, just carefully placing them around the city. Promos for my blog. outside + inside. Those are Pagemaker screenshots. You have to imagine it like a folder. The big heart is the front page. And then with different pictures on the inside of course. I made them at work. On Tuesday, when my boss was gone and I didn’t have anything to do. I also made a card for Meredith. A PDF of it. Again, you have to imagine it’s a card. With the Bush drawing on the front page. And just for the record, Meredith brought up the titty-bar, it wasn’t something I just grabbed out of the blue and inappropriately put on a card for her.

Maybe I should start making cards. Plume’s custom greeting cards. Could be big business. Or not.

Now I’m off to enjoy my weekend. Hope you all have a good one.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 20th, 2005 at 22:40 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.