The Valenzetti Equation
I’m not feeling too happy at the moment, as you can maybe imagine. In fact my therapist called earlier today to make an appointment and she said “you sound like you’re sad right now”. I guess that’s why she’s a therapist. She asked me if there was anything I needed to talk about over the phone, but I didn’t feel like doing that. Got an appointment on Tuesday though.
I was taken by surprise yesterday. I had been told that 3B and Springbok would have to leave on Friday, today. So it came as something of a shock when they were dragged to Kurt’s van at the end of Thursday. I guess there was a change of plans. And suddenly there was no time left. After they were put in the back of his van, Kurt went to do some stuff before he left. I staid and looked through the window, looked at 3B and Springbok. All I could think was “sorry”. Over and over. What kind of monster am I that I let them be taken away? How horrible am I that I didn’t do something more, just anything, to prevent it. I know that’s not a very productive line of thought. But it was all I could think as they looked back out at me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Forgive me. The window was covered by a thick layer of dust and dirt. I wiped it away and rested my forehead on it and just looked at them. Then Kurt came back. He let me say a last goodbye and take that last picture and then he drove off.
I kept a brave face for most of it. Figured it would be selfish to make a scene. It didn’t really hit home until late at night. Going to bed. Alone with my thoughts. And then I started crying. Picturing them there, looking out at me. And I started thinking of Mathilde. And I felt very miserable. And cried myself to sleep. So much for my supermacho image.
The kids’ space has already been taken up.
Two super-sweet lambs. I am going to enjoy getting to know them. The black one is particularly gorgeous. They are lovely, but they don’t cheer me up just yet. I am still in mourning. Somehow it wouldn’t feel right to be happy right now.
It was Pernille who told me that they would be leaving. That was Wednesday. She said that when you’ve been working with these things for so many years then you learn not to get too attached to the animals that won’t stay. That’s not a lesson I have learnt yet. I don’t think I can anyway. I remember talking to Skye about breeding dogs for a living, and wondering if I could even bear to sell any off. I am too selfish to let things go. I always put my own needs before other’s.
But enough of that. I will be okay. And I am glad that 3B and Springbok had a wonderful life at the playground. They had a lot of freedom, they were loved and well taken care of. They even had their own uncle Plume to jump on whenever they wanted. That’s not so bad after all. I am glad that I got to share them with you guys too. I know they will not be forgotten.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way they looked back at me, through the window. Not understanding what was happening. Hopefully in time the good memories will stay and those last minutes will fade.
September 15th, 2006 at 22:04
I used to have four dogs. And one by one they would die. And when the last one, Olive, passed away five years ago it devastated me. I haven’t had a dog since then and I don’t think I’ll ever have one again. But I do have the memories, and that’s what we all have with 3B and springbok.
And you’re right, they had a wonderfu life that most goats will never get to experience. They were loved and well taken care of and they obviously loved you very much or they wouldn’t have use you as their personal climbing rock.
Talk your feelings over with your therapist. That will help a lot. But I’m still sad over them leaving. I will always miss them…
September 15th, 2006 at 22:54
I understand what you guys had to go through so well. I had a cat named Bona, she made my life a better one for 12 years. our dog Elza, that made one year in my life so beautiful… moments spent together were invaluable. it seems that it doesn’t really matter for how long you know these furry friends, you get so attached to them and they win a very special place in your heart and you secretly hope that you will never have to say goodbye to them. but when that time comes, I remind myself, that they were loved and thus they truly had a life. their image will live on in our memories and hearts.
September 16th, 2006 at 1:03
I’m glad you wrote today. Luis is right, talk about your feelings to your therapist. Leave a couple of pictures for your Mom on the table and a note that you’re sad and this is why. Your pictures say so much anyway, you don’t have to leave a long explanation or even talk about it.
My sister and I always had dogs or cats when we were growing up with a few parakeets (budgies), canaries, turtles, a guinea pig, and goldfish thru the years. We loved each animal and mourned their loss. Even now, my husband had an old hunting dog that we had to have put down and we buried it at the “pet cemetary” at my Mom & Dad’s house.
It doesn’t get any easier the older you get either, not for me anyway. But I enjoy our cats, goats, dogs, and birds so much and they bring so much love to our lives that I can’t image not having them. Everything dies anyway – pets and people – and I like to think I’ll see all my pets again sometime. I think they go to a special animal heaven and I don’t quite believe they don’t have souls, although some religions believe that.
So, take some time to mourn 3B and Springbok and remember them, they had a good life with you and the kids at the playground. Take care of yourself, too, and remember you have some new coping methods – getting out of your room, visiting the playground, keeping therapist appointments, sharing your feelings with us, & looking forward to the future at TMU.
At hard as it is, I think I’d rather be a person who loved and got attached to animals, rather that someone who didn’t. That’s just the way I am and I’m okay with that. It’s okay to accept that part of yourself, Lasse. That’s what makes you the person you are and not someone else.
September 17th, 2006 at 6:31
I’m sorry Plume. I’m sad for you and 3B and Springbok. And yes I know these words are coming back to haunt you and I bet you are sorry you ever said them ~ “Life, it goes on, damnit!” Be gentle on yourself and take care.
September 18th, 2006 at 0:16
*hug* i’m so sorry…
September 20th, 2006 at 22:37
Luis – Feels like memories are a curse and a blessing in one. But I guess it’s true, it’s better to have loved and lost…
I am sorry to hear about your dogs. I am sure they were wonderful. And that they’ll never be forgotten.
Milla Vanilla – Those who are loved will live forever…
Deb – I often wish that I had been around animals more when I was a kid, that I had had pets. Of course now I wonder if I could have survived losing them.
But then, I have tried being alone. That is no easier to survive.
Debbie – Thank you. Those words are good to remember.
meredith – *hug*