Almost a week has passed now. I guess I’m doing pretty good. I think I was lucky to get that silly idea of bettering myself in my head. That has helped me keep a positive and hopeful outlook. Coupled with moments of great grief of course. Whenever I think about Magnethe.

But I’m not completely crushed, so that’s good. This is probably the optimal way for me. That I got to spend time with her before and after her passing. And that I’m letting myself grieve but also looking forward. With things to occupy my mind. Changing things in my life. And working on a goat tribute. I have meant to do that before. I even got the domain for it. But then I let it expire and never did anything, it was just another one of those fancy ideas that fell by the wayside. But now that Magnethe is gone I am determined. Because they deserve a tribute site. And also for my own sake. My memory is so bad, the memories of goats gone by are blurring in my head. Whose kids were they and when was that one born and so on and so forth. I want a permanent record. Of all the goats I’ve known. A family tree of goats. It won’t be of much interest to anyone else, but to me it will be important. I only have to sort through a few thousand pictures and videos…. but I’ll get it done. Katt is being nice enough to help me get it set up. And generally all the support and comfort I have gotten has been another one of the things that have helped me stay afloat. I know a lot of good people. That is one thing that has changed much to the better compared to my past. People and goats.

I have managed to keep exercising. And eating salad. Even though I allowed myself a couple of days of unhealthy junk. But I have not allowed myself to sink too far down. So that’s good.

I have had a couple of goat dreams. One good and one bad. The first one was bad. A couple of days after Magnethe died. I dreamt about her. But she was dead in the dream too. In fact there were two of her. She was there both as an adult and as a kid at the same time. But both of her had been murdered. I guess it’s natural to have a bad dream about the situation. I had been hoping for a dream visit from her. Maybe it was too soon for her to really visit. Maybe she hadn’t fully transitioned to the great grass field in the sky. Maybe she could only appear as dead. Or maybe it was just the trauma seeping from my subconscience. I don’t know. A couple of days later I dreamt that I was hiding from gangsters. Trying to be quiet. And then a herd of goats came running down the street towards me. With Mads at the forefront. I was hugging him but then I woke up in the middle of it all. I don’t know if Magnethe was in the flock. But I’d like to think she was. Or maybe she sent Mads to cheer me up. Who knows.

Maybe it is silly to be talking about dead goats visiting in dreams. But there’s a reason most religions have some kind of heaven or afterlife. I think humans have a great need for that sort of thing. Because otherwise this is all we have. This earthly vacation. And it’s a little bit unbearable to think that there is no greater point. That our existence is just random. That there is nothing waiting for us afterwards. And all the people we have lost are just gone. We need to know that they are in a better place and that we’ll get to see them again. And well, the goats are that important to me. I want them to be in a better place and I want to see them again. I will take dream visits for now. While I work on becoming worthy of a residency in animal heaven. I will have faith in the great grass field in the sky.

Until then there are still goats for me here on Earth. I am planning to go see them tomorrow. First time back at the playground. It’s a little scary. There is that irrational fear that the place that used to give me so much happiness will now give me only sadness. I felt the same way after Mads. And the others. But I know I will still feel happy there. It just takes some time. I hope everyone is okay. I feel a little guilty for leaving Bob alone through this. He just lost his mother and I know Magnethe was protecting him from the buck. He might well have had a hard time. But hopefully I can make it up to him. He is just about the handsomest goat I have ever known and I hope we’ll have a great future together. It never gets easier to lose a friend, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try to make new ones. I couldn’t shut my heart off to the goats now even if I wanted to. They are too big a part of my life.

During my last week with Magnethe I was really scared of losing her. Because at first we thought her babies might be dead in her belly. I’m still not sure exactly what part the pregnancy paid in her death. But it reminded me of Vanilje’s death and I was scared. I spent as much time with Magnethe as I could, and I also shot a lot of video. Wanting to maximise the memories, if something did happen. I made a little clip from the last week. Here: youtube.com/watch?v=l2vHoAry3DE. I didn’t include anything from the last day because she was so tired and weak and it was so sad. I was just holding her a lot. I didn’t want to put that in the video. But there’s some stuff from the previous days. It’s still very sad of course. But I felt like I had to put up a last video of her. You can check it out if you want to, I don’t blame you if you don’t. It was hard going through all that footage. I’m glad I have it, but it’s probably going to make me sad whenever I watch it again. And that’s how it ought to be, I guess. I’m glad I have a lot of happy videos with her too. Although they’ll be making me sad for quite a while as well.

I am prone to mood swings and depression. So I’m glad I haven’t let it engulf me. I am sure that’s how Magnethe would want it to be. For me to remember her and grieve but to also move forward. Into the great wide open.

I feel weird. A big mix of emotions. So I’ll try to write a little about them now.

First and foremost of course the great sorrow at the loss of Magnethe. As I said yesterday, I loved her, she meant a lot to me and represented a lot of good things in my life. I still get little bouts of crying when I think about her. I’ve been looking through videos from the last week, and it’s just really tough and sad.

A part of me is scared too. For the last 8 years I have had Mads or Magnethe up at the playground to welcome me when I needed it most. I have had a strong connection to them. It’s scary that they are both gone now. There’s a part of me that is afraid that I can’t go on without them. I know this is silly. Life goes on of course. But it still frightens me a little, the idea of going up there and them not being there. Like having to take the training wheels of your bike. I don’t know if I can get as strong a bond with the other goats. But I will try.

I still feel dizzy. A tingling sensation in my body, like phobic panic attacks. Like phantom aches in a body part that has been removed. I know it will get better, but I am still reeling from the shock. I really thought she was getting better. It feels like a car crash.

But then there is another part of me that is feeling optimistic and excited about the future. I got it into my head today that I wanted to change some things in my life. Turn things around. Mostly behind the scenes stuff. Dark corners of the mind. The weed that has overgrown the garden. I feel like I want to be a better person. I want Mads and Magnethe to look down on me and be proud of me. To like what they see. I know that’s somewhat irrational too, but who cares. I feel like there are aspects of my life and person that I want to change and do better. I want to try at least. I have already done some in recent times. Tried to be more positive, eat healthier and exercise again. I want to go more in that direction. And be more at the playground. After Mads died and my eyesight started going bad I slipped away a little. During the winter I only went up there once a week. Now the weather is better it has usually been twice a week. But only for an hour or two. I want to try to spend more time there. For the goats. Providing company for goats has been a big part of my identity for a long time. I want to make the goats happy. Magnethe’s boy, Bob. I want to try to get a strong bond with him and help make his life good. Mio and Kamel. The babies to come. I want to be more part of that again. For my own sake too. Spending more time there will get me more human contact as well. This might be all fancy ideas of flight in the moment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep the momentum when times passes. But I want to try at least. I want the pain of Magnethe’s passing to be a catalyst for change. One of the things she gave me in her last days was the discovery of how nice it was to spend a lot of time at the playground again. How I have missed being around kids and goats. Being out in the sunshine for longer periods. I want this to be the good that comes out of Magnethe. She gave a lot to me over the years and I don’t want that to waste away. I don’t want to keep sinking into the hole. I want to get back to the surface. That is my new project at least. I want to try and do my best. Let Magnethe inspire me.

This might sound hokey and I hope the Americans won’t be offended, but I feel like the 4th of July will be my Independence Day. I will free myself of the old Plume. And start working towards the new. I don’t know how far I will get. But I really, really want to try.

I’m going to give myself some time to grieve and feel miserable. This is a time to be sad. But not for too long. Not forever.

It’s a little scary too. The change. There are some things I will try to leave behind. Some crutches that I will try not to depend on anymore. I will try to open my mind to new and better ways.

I have had a lot of support from my nice Facebook friends as well. I really appreciate not being alone with all this. And being able to share Magnethe with people. That was always one of my great joys, ever since I picked up a camera for the first time and started going to the playground. It was not just a matter of getting to know the goats, it was also about people getting to know me.

Thank you Magnethe, for all you have given me and for the inspiration you continue to give.

From Tuesday, last week.