It has been a pretty good week. I have been feeling okay for the most part. There is still the sadness that surfaces at times, but not completely unbearable anymore. I have gone to the playground three times. Making the effort to be there more, as I had intended. Had good times with the goats. And good human contact too, which was of course one of the goals. So that’s good. Since not much else is going on, let me tell you of the playground trips.

On Monday I was sitting out on the little football lawn at the front of the playground. With the goats. I was feeling pretty sad and missing Magnethe. It seemed so empty without her. But then some kids came along and helping them with the goats cheered me up a lot. Mio and Kamel were tied down, and the boys wanted to take them for a walk on their leashes. So I helped get the leashes out of the ground and we walked around on the lawn. That is to say the goats dragged the boys around, for the most part. But it was good, sweet fun. It’s always great when I get to help with the goats and tell the kids about them.

Here is a video: youtube.com/watch?v=yL0v65fvswo.

On Wednesday I was planning to just drop by for a quick visit. The weather forecast said there would be rain. But the rain never came. And I ended up having such a good time that I stayed for quite a while.

When I got there I found Kamel tied down on her own. She was looking up the hill and baahing. So I figured the rest of the gang were up there. And when I went to investigate I found the three others pillaging the trees up in the residential block. Mio had pulled her leash up from the ground and gone up there with Bob and Preben. I took her back down and put her close to Kamel, and the two boys followed. And that stopped Kamel’s baahing. Company and food, two things that are important to goats. It’s not the first time I have found Kamel on her own, loudly complaining and looking for her compadres. She has a habit of getting left behind I think. She’s still the New Girl on the Block, but she’s getting along better with Mio now.

All of a sudden a guy started an electric lawn mower up the top of the hill. And immediately all four goats jumped up and ran away as fast as they could. Even the girls, they just pulled their leasheds out of the ground and ran off. Like little cartoon puffs of smoke in the distance. I followed them back to the main grounds of the playground. Where Nina came out and said “what happened?!”. It’s hard not to notice a flock of scaredygoats coming charging.

We put them back on grass, safely away from the lawn mower man. One of the boys from Monday came by again. He gave apples to the goats. He’d climb up a tree and get four apples and then he’d go to each goat and give them an apple. They were small, bitesized apples. Then he’d come back to me and tell me that he was going to get some more apples for them. So that happened a couple of times. He’s a nice boy.

And then Bodil came by. It was really nice to see her again. We talked for more than an hour I think. She did most of the talking of course. But she’s one of the few people I feel fairly comfortable talking to. She’s just really sweet and nice and open and easy to talk to. We talked about Magnethe, and she hugged me. She understands what it’s like to lose an animal you love. I’m sure she still misses Lulu a lot. But she loves her new dog Sif a lot too, you can tell. And all the kids love Sif too. They kept coming over to say hello to her. And every time Bodil would say “where’s Lasse?” Sif would go to me and get scratchies. Such a sweet little thing. Sigrid came out too and was going to sit down and talk with us, but then she got called back in by some kids who were doing some theatre stuff inside. Too bad. Sigrid and Bodil are two of my favourite peoples.

Here’s a video from the day: youtube.com/watch?v=1E1mVyYDJEk. The boy feeding apples to the goats and Sif the dog. Oh and here’s a little bit of Bob: youtube.com/watch?v=VuUDSrxU9w0. At the very end you can see the bit when the lawn mower turned on and Bob runs away and I think you can just spot Mio starting to run too.

So that takes us up to Friday. I found that there’s some stuff being built on the hills out the back of the playground. I’m not really sure what it’s all about, there are some platforms and signs. But one nice thing I found was a big wooden chair sort of thing. Almost like a throne on top of the hill. I was sitting on it and had the goats all around me when I heard laughter. It was Bodil coming down the other hill. “What a scene” she said. And then she offered to take some pictures for me. So I gave her my camera and she went back up the other hill.

There I am on my wooden throne on top of the hill. I am the king of all I see. The king of goats. I wish there had been a picture that was more zoomed out so you could really see the whole scene on the hill. But it’s still sweet.

And a couple of closeups of me and Preben. He is a sweet buck. Sigrid told me that she’s trying to get it arranged that Preben can stay at the playground. He’s one of the best behaved bucks we have ever seen. I have to admit I feel conflicted about that, though. Because as long as he is around it’s harder for me to get quality one-on-one time with Bob. And I really want to bond with Bob. But Sigrid talked about loaning him, Preben, out to other playgrounds too. So we’ll see what happens. He really is a big, friendly guy though.

I had a nice talk with Bodil again. She invited me to her birthday party. It’s just a little thing, but I still had to decline the invitation. New people and everything. It’s just not me. But she understood. She knows I’m not much for social situations. She laughed and hugged me. And she got my phone number, we’re going to try to arrange a little visit in her garden summer home. She’s had it for years, but she’s selling it now. We used to talk about me going out to see it, so now’s the last chance. If I gather up my courage to do it.

After Bodil had left, a cat turned up. I didn’t see it at first. But then Mio started sneeze/snorting. Warning signals for the herd. And all the goats were suddenly very attentative. And then I spotted the little fluffy thing. Scaredygoats. I made some video of it but the wind was so strong that the audio was all ruined. So instead I put the Jaws shark theme on it. I thought that was amusing.

So those were good times. And I’m happy and relieved that I can still have good times at the playground. I miss Magnethe a lot. But my goat friends give me comfort. And the human interaction does me good. So I’ll pat myself on the back for still doing okay. With exercise and salad as well.

And today I went and had dinner with the family. It’s my mother’s birthday. We had a nice little time and I did some computer fixing for them too. Said hello to a cat on my way there. I have met it a couple of times in that same spot on my way to my parents’ house. It always walks slowly towards me, like it’s judging whether I’m friend or foe. And then when I slow down and bend forward a little it comes up to me and gets head scratchies. Sweet little thing.

The weather is supposed to be good next week. So I hope I’ll be having another nice week with exercise and goats. Fingers crossed.

So, on Tuesday I went back to the playground. A week after Magnethe’s death. I wanted to write about it sooner, but I was feeling kinda sad and unmotived for a while. Not constantly, though. Just at times. Mostly I’ve been pretty good. But writing about it just didn’t come to me, for some reason. But I’ll give it a go now.

I was nervous about going back. I thought perhaps a week was too soon, but I’ve been dealing with things okay I thought and I really missed spending time with goats. So I wanted to go. I was afraid it would be horribly sad and I wouldn’t be able to find happiness there again. But of course there is happiness. Where there are goats there is happiness. At least for me, that is mostly the case. And as soon as I saw the goats I felt better. And relieved. The first one I saw was Kamel. In the paved courtyard. I went over and said hi to her and around the corner came the rest of the goats. They had escaped, again. Mio came runnig with her leash after her. Dragging the metal plug, clanking on the pavement. Kamel didn’t even have a leash. Nina came by and asked if I’d seen her leash. Nope. I’ve seen goats pull the plug out of the ground plenty of times but I’ve never seen them get their leash off their collar on their own. Where there’s a goat, there’s a way. But it was just wonderful to see them again. Everyone seemed to be doing fine. Bob’s tail was pointing to the sky and he seemed happy. He was chasing a white rabbit around. Maybe I should call him Alice?

Nina came and we took the goats over to the little cloverfield. Mio didn’t want to go at first though. Nina tried to drag her by the leash, but she was having none of it. She was really digging her heels in and refusing to move. If you have handled goats I’m sure you know how stubborn they can be. So she was standing her ground. Until Nina gave me the leash, and then Mio just started walking with me. So that made me feel all special. Until we were halfway there and she stopped again and refused to move. Silly goat. But then Nina came with the other goats and Mio was persuaded to come with us. And tnen I sat in the cloverfield with them for a good, long while. It was grey and it rained a little bit at times. No weather for goats. But it was alright. It was a sweet, quiet time. And I enjoyed their company. It was odd, though. Not having Magnethe there. She was such a big lady, in more ways than one. Huge and dominating and just commanding attention. There is a big hole left there. It obviously did not feel right. I especially missed hearing her call out when spotting me. She would always baah at the slightest sign of me. With that loud, powerful voice. I will miss that a lot.

At one point I was looking up at the grey sky and I was just imagining her face there, superimposed over the entire skyline. Watching us. A little over the top image. But I’d like to think she was looking down on us. Watching her boy. And me. Looking out for us.

I don’t know if it has completely sunk in that I’m never going to see her there again. It’s just a weird and horrible thought. I suppose with time that will be come inescapable. Right now it feels likes he’s still going to be there next time. She’s going to come back. But I know she won’t. It will take some time for that to settle in my mind. For the new reality to set in. The new order, at the playground. I guess Mio will become the leader. At least until Bob is bigger. Right now the buck, Preben, is in charge. To be honest I wouldn’t mind if he left soon. He’s a sweet goat, but as long as he is there it’s harder for me to get one-on-one time with Bob. They don’t get along, so when Preben is near me Bob will walk away. I love Bob. He’s Magnethe’s boy and he is so handsome. And the first goat boy that I get to see actually grow up. I would like to try to get a strong bond with him. So I hope Preben will be leaving soon. He’s been at the playground for a long time, I think his job is well done. Maybe we’ll get to see him again some day in the future.

Just sitting there with the goats cleared away a lot of the fear. Some of the sadness. Although it brought new sadness too. But it was good. It was nice to see Nina and Sigrid too. Sigrid was on the phone when I was leaving so I didn’t really get to talk to her. Nina asked me how I was doing. I just stammered that I was doing okay. I’m not good at talking, especially not about feelings. But I know they know how hard it’s been for me.

I only went that one time this week. I do want to go more to the playground, but it’s still a little much. A little fresh. So I’ll take my time getting there.

Mostly, generally, I have been doing okay. The really powerful sadness has been isolated into incidents. I’m getting happier and trying to get back into a more positive frame of mind and keeping up with Project Self Embetteringment, as I have now dubbed it. It’s coming along, slowly but surely. Where it will take me, nobody knows.

I took some photos at the playground. They are in the photo album:plume.dk/pics/thumbnails.

I especially like this one of Bob poking his tongue out:

Cutiepie.

I also made a video. You can see Bob chasing the white bunny. And also Preben duelling the branches and bushes.

Focusing on the good things. That’s going pretty well.

I hope you are all well out there. As always, I appreciate the support. And especially the people who have gotten to know Magnethe through me. That is one of the things that makes me most happy. Sharing my goat friends. Even if I have to force them on people! I have had a couple of people tell me that I have helped them get to know or appreciate goats more after getting to know me, and that just makes me happy. Thank you for the patience and attention. We’re none of us alone, or perfect.