Ack. Oh no. I had another blackout. I thought I was over that. The last one was in.. May, I believe. I had 4-5 months where I had one a month. Then nothing. But today. A dramatic one.
I came to, sitting on the toilet. Smeared in blood. A pool of blood on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, I looked like I’d been roughed up good. Felt like I had been punched in the face by Mike Tyson. Or headbutted by grandma.
A big lump on my forehead. Swelling. There’s a bit of a cut on it too. And I got a bit of a cut on my knee. And my nose is sore, not too bad. But again it sort of feels like I was punched in the face. My tongue is a little chopped up. I think when I had the big blackout in Januare that started my shoulder and back problems, that time my tongue was totally messed up. Like I had chewed it to pieces. This time it’s not so bad, just a bit on one side. I think I may have bruised a rib too, some movements hurt in my right rib cage.
I also have a hard time lifting my legs much, I am not sure if it’s due to the blackout/fall or if it’s because I didn’t get to stretch after coming home. I need to stretch when I have been out walking or my legs get bad. Not sure if this is because I didn’t get stretch.
I don’t feel too horrible, but I don’t feel good. As long as I sit still it’s not too bad. I think I’m going to be a wreck tomorrow. But I guess I’m lucky. Best I can figure I fell head first on the bathroom floor. And that can be pretty dangerous I guess.
I vaguely remember sitting on the toilet and starting to get that feeling, deja vue I call it, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve gotten it previously before blacking out. I remember when it started happening now I wondered if I was going to black out and if I should turn off my mp3 player and… cut to later. How long was I out? It might have been an hour. I’m not sure. It was kind of weird that I was still sitting on the toilet when I started coming back to my conscious mind. Because I must have gotten up from the toilet when it happened. Or maybe I fell over. My shower is right next to the toilet and the shampoo bottles I have on the floor in the shower where pushed away from their normal position. Maybe I toppled over and fell into my shower. And then… I guess I got up.. and stepped out of the shower. And then fell. The pool of blood was next to the bathroom door, which is the other side of the bathroom from the shower. It’s only a few steps away. Imust have layed there with my head at the door, bleeding. And then got up and sat on the toilet again. My memories started coming back. I had a good day with the goats. Went shopping. Came home. I was going to get ready to stretch and peel vegetables for soup later. I got undressed, I like to take a shower when I get home. So I saw on the toilet naked other than boxers. When I came back I had dried blood all over my arms and legs and face. Looked pretty dramatic.
Didn’t realise how bloodied my face was until just now when I looked at some pictures I took. Wanted to get some pics to better see the damage to my head. Can’t see so well in the mirror, easier when I get it on the pc and can enlarge and enhance. Turns out one side of my face had dried blood on it too. Not sure if that’s from laying in the blood or running bloodied hands on my face. The lump/swelling is on the right side of my forehead, the blood was mostly on the left side..
I guess you guys don’t want to see the picture of my face all messed up? Or the picture of the pool of blood on the bathroom floor that I took too? Haha. Pretty grim.
Well, i’m not feeling too bad right now. As long as I don’t touch the places I’m hurt. I guess I will have to stay home for a few days, I am pretty sure I will be in pain tomorrow. At least there doesn’t seem to be any serious damage. Could have gone a lot worse.
Not gonna spellcheck this. Need soup.
6/11 2023
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Thank you everyone for all the comments. The kind and sympathetic ones and the kind and ash-kicking ones.
Feeling fairly okay. Tired and achey. I know I should go to the doctor. But it is difficult for me, and I’m struggling to just get through the days. I appreciate you all care about me, even when I don’t care about myself.
I’ll try to convince myself.
6/11 2023
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Did someone get the number of that donkey cart?
Oh man. My whole body feels like it’s been under a steam roller. All my muscles are aching. Other than that I’m not too bad. The swelling on my head has gone down.
Just gonna sit here and do as little as possible and rest up. I know I’m not a smart one, sorry everyone for causing all the concern.
7/11 2023
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A Sky pic to distract and lighten the mood.
Thank you all, I know you care about me, more than I do myself unfortunately.

7/11 2023
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Phew. Got my Pepsi delivery this morning. Not the best time for it, since I’m still pretty wrecked. My legs especially are hurting. Just the muscles. Other than I’m feeling fairly okay. And now I got Pepsi and flourballs for ages. I’m going to take a few days and then decide what my next move is.
Sorry everyone that I’m such a nutcase, but I can’t think of a nut pun to finish this sentence.
8/11 2023
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In hindsight, perhaps I shouldn’t have written about what happened Monday. It’s not really nice or fair of me to put that on you all when I’m not doing what needs to be done about it. I understand that. I am just so used to writing down everything that happens. But it might have been easier for everyone if I hadn’t.
I understand that I need to talk my doctor about these episodes. And I am not sure when I will do that. I know I should have already, I should right now. But I don’t know when.
There are a lot of factors, in my head. My depression, my anxiety, my difficulty with people, my blindness. And, I don’t know if I should even write about it either, maybe it’s another thing better kept to myself, but when I saw that pool of blood on the bathroom floor I thought “I could have died”. And I thought “and that would have solved it all”. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be part of this world anymore, and that makes it hard to fight to be a part of this world. You know? It’s like two opposing forces dragging me in two opposite directions. I am trying to hang in there and do my best. I am not necessarily winning because of the right reasons right now, and not by much.
It’s not really fair to put that on you all either, and I completely understand and respect if some of you may feel like you have to extract yourself from this mess and feel like you can’t stay involved. Just like I understand those of you being tough in the comments. I get it and I appreciate it.
I know at the end of the day it’s just more excuses. I am not fishing for pity, I am just trying to explain. Why I’m not just doing what evidently should be done. I hope I can get there. I am not there right now.
One day a day.
8/11 2023
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Thank you everyone for all the comments, supportive and asskicking alike, public and private. I appreciate it I am not doing great, but hanging in there.
I got on the exercise bike fot a bit today. Not to do real exercise, just 10 minutes light treading. Trying to get my legs going again. Warming up and stretching. My legs aren’t doing so well, the right one especially. My thigh muscles hurt a lot. I can barely lift my right leg.
I would much rather be with the goats. I don’t think I’ll make it in until next week. I tld Jeanette to take extra good care of them.
Gotta get my body halfway working again, the mental state is a mucher longer term project. But one day a day. Gonna have me some soup now. Soup there it is.
9/11 2023
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Good day hello good day. Here is a picture of Luna. I am slowly starting to get better so that’s something. Still not great, and missing the goats. But one day a day.

10/11 2023
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Hi hello hi. Just checking in. I guess I should make sure to check in so I don’t worry you all. Thank you for worrying, though.
I am still getting better. Not great, not good, but better. Got on the exercise bike for a light tread and lots of stretching. Need to be able to walk to the goats very soon, missing them like crazy.
Also preparing a rewatch of Twin Peaks. The original run, the movie, the missing pieces, the return. Going to invite the nightmares back in, hooray.
Mentally not so good, but one day a day, who wants to eat hooray.
11/11 2023
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In case you’re missing the goats half as much as I am, here’s a photo. Bella and the human. I have been editing video from Monday, and it’s getting harder and harder to tell Luna and Bella apart. Because Luna is getting bigger. Who knows if I will even be able to tell tehm apart when I see them again. Or if they’ll recognise me. Well, I’m pretty sure they’ll recognise the treatbag.

11/11 2023
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Sunday checkin. My face is still sore, but my legs are getting better. Hope you are well out there. Here’s a goatlog.

12/11 2023
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Not a great day. Been feeling cold, sad and tired. Slept in front of the computer too much. Feeling like a waste of space. Still not physically back to normal either. But I am looking foward to seeing the goats again, a reason to get up and out. Try to find a way back to some kind of normal. I wish hibernation was an option.
One day a day.
12/11 2023
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That’s all for now.

Good goat times today. There was a little rain on my walk there, but then the sun came out. Little bit of sun, little bit of rain later on.
Big puddle at the gate, but later on Jeanette came and put out some.. gravel, maybe? Little stones. But it seemed to help a lot, for me at least.
Spent some time on the bench, in its new position. There wasn’t really enough sun to really warm me up, but it was nice to be out of the house.
We had some nice visitors. Amongst the a girl called Lily who has been there before. And surprisingly when Jeanette took her into the goat pen she came running, not to the goats, but to me. I have mentioned her before, she seems to be kind of fascinated with me. And especially my camera. She’s non verbal, but was doing a lot of pointing and sticking her hands out to me. I showed her the camera and a picture of Bella. And then I took a picture of herself and showed it to her. I am not sure if it really registed for her that she was looking at a picture of herself, she didn’t react much more than the general interest in the camera. But she’s very sweet. She was with an adult and another kid named Otto. I guess he is non verbal too. They didn’t talk, but they had a hand sign or gesture for goats. I think it was a gesture mimicking the goat beard, because the gesture of putting your fingers up on your head like horns means ‘cow’ to them, their supervisor told us. But they can say ‘goat’ with their sort of sign language, so that’s nice.
30/10 2023
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Here is my new friend Lily. I don’t know why she is so fascinated with me, I’d think the goats are much more interesting. But she is very sweet. I hope she liked seeing the picture of herself.

30/10 2023
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Happy place.

30/10 2023
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I bought apples today. I usually buy apples to have for the goats. Today I bought more apples, to have for me. Instead of candy.
Sigh, I miss candy.
On the flipside I usually buy lots of tomatoes to have for myself. Now I only buy some for the goats, because they’re no longer good enough for me.
Turn turn the seasons turn.
30/10 2023
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Good goat times today.
Cold, though. Rainy and with a cold, cold wind. Gotta get my sweater out of storage. Wasn’t comfortable today.
There was a little lake over the gravel/stones that Jeanette laid out yesterday at the goat gate. Still, even with the water it was a lot better than when there was mud. Jeanette told me she’d went and got more of the little stones, so she’ll put more out.
So of course it was an indoor day, staying in teh goat house. With Red Sonja and Henrietta Solo too of course. The newfeathers poked their head in once, but ran straight back out. I’m sure they tell Halloween storied of the scary Luna monster. Actually, Luna hasn’t interacted with the newfeathers that I have seen. She did send Sonja squawking away once today.
We had a couple of visitors too, they had to come up to the goat house to say hi to the goats of course
Time to warm up with some soup now.
31/10 2023
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Well, the picture is really bad. But I thought it should be noted that Henrietta Solo started eating from Sky’s breakfast bowl too today. Red Sonja must have told her about the possibilities. It was kind of funny seeing both cluckers pecking out of Sky’s bowl while Sky was face deep in it.

31/10 2023
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Here’s Luna doing her best Keiko impression.

31/10 2023
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Happy Halloween and assorted feasts to those who celebrate. Sure hope the kids won’t be mad when I hand out apples instead of candy.
31/10 2023
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Rest in peace Richard Moll. I loved him on Night Court. Sad that so many of that cast are gone, but so it goes I suppose.
1/11 2023
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goatlog

1/11 2023
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Boy, my legs are tired.
I’m only casually metioning that so I can indicate that I exercised today. Someone pat me on the head and tell me i’m a good boy.
I’m enjoying the exercise, glad to be back at that. Not enjoying not eating candy. Mental withdrawal. Just want to stuff my face. As the nailer said to the sun. Maybe I should just forget about living healthily and hope the docs can medicate me to good levels? Isn’t that a good plan? Someone pat me on the head and tell me yes.
Feeling the depression, and the cold isn’t helping. But we carry forth, whoever he is.
1/11 2023
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I call this picture “A World Outside”. Portraying Bella as an inmate in the prison courtyard, staring though the fence. Yes I am very arty fart, sorry for tooting my own horn.
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1/11 2023
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Good goat times today. A tiny bit warmer and kept dry while I was out. Helped a lot.
I nearly got knockouted by Luna. She was standing on the wallmount with her hind legs and had he front legs on my legs and her head in front of me. And then Bella came up behind her and started trying to push her. And Luna swung her head and fell on the ground but knocked me right in the kisser with her horns. Knocked my glasses halfway off. Had to check that I didn’t ahve a bloody nose haha. Those kids.
On the other hand, Luna was nicer with the feathers today. Henrietta Solo actually ate a littel from the same bowl as Luna, I thought she’d get a knockout like mine, but no she got a gentle little head push. And later on there were several times when Luna was close to Henrietta and Sonja without going after them like she has in the past. I don’t know if this is a sign that she’s getting more accepting of their proximity or if it’s just random chance. Maybe she’d had her fill of bloodlust from her attack on me. She’s lucky she’s so cute and gets away with it all.
2/11 2023
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Fnurgnfnuff. Putting on a pot of soup. Turned on the wrong hotplate. Had an actual plate sitting on the one I turned on. And a plastic jug on that plate. Couple of minutes later… why am I smelling burnt plastic? Sigh. At least I was smart enough to use a cloth to take the plate off the hotplate. Put it in the sink where it promptly exploded into three pieces. Ruined plate, ruined jug. Well at least the soup is okay.
And in other news, I managed to convince myself to but apples instead of candy in the grocery store. While my depression screamed JUST GIVE UP AND GET THE FKN CANDY YOU MORON. But I got apples so. Hooray. Yay. Woo. Hoo.
But soup is good. All hail soup.
2/11 2023
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A gravel update. Again I’m not sure this is actually gravel, what even is gravel amirite. These are small stones. I’ll just call it gravel.
When I got there this morning there was more of it out, as Jeanette had promised. It certainly helps me a lot, the stuff around the gate. It’s also up on the hill now, in the dirt patches between the pavement tiles. In hindsight maybe they should just have put gravel on the whole path from the goat house to the fence and gate, and kept the pavement tiles stacked inside. It isn’t exactly the best looking setup now, with the white gravel between the dark (when it’s muddy and wet) pavement blocks. But the goats seem to appreciate it, they go out even though it’s wet and muddy.
Later on I asked Jeanette if she happened to have more of the gravel. She said she in fact had another sacj, So I suggested putting some at the gap in the fence between the small and big pen. As you can see in the lowest right picture. There was a lot of mud and water there, the other day I slipped but managed to not fall on it. And it’s right where the goats need to walk to get into the bigger pen, so I think it’ll be good to have it there. Could use another sackful even. But I think it helps.

2/11 2023
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Here is a new occurence. Bella jumping up on my lap. She’s gone on my legs when we’re sitting on the bench together, but actually jumping up on my legs when I’m sitting in the chair, I can’t remember the last time she did that. Luna does ita ll the time. Bella is considerably heavier. So it isn’t really comfortable for either of us, she’ll wobble around for a bit before jumping off. Can’t say no to goats though.

2/11 2023
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Butt what?

3/11 2023
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My depression has been pretty heavy today, but here’s a goat photo to turn that frown upside down.

3/11 2023
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Rise and shine.

4/11 2023
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Not feeling great, but I managed to get on the exercise bike. Pushing yourself physically feels good when you’re not doing well mentally, I find. Added some time and resistance, felt good. I have lost a little bit of weight since I started exercising, but not enough to be sure it’s not just random statistical anomaly. But it’s a start.
Now if you’ ll excuse me, I’m going to go picking apples.
4/11 2023
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Sometimes, late at night, I stare into the bathroom mirror and think to myself… “I should really turn on the light, I can’t see sht”
5/11 2023
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goatlog

5/11 2023
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I goatchu Sky.

5/11 2023
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That’s all for now.