I am not feeling too well. At least the headaches are gone, I think. But sadness lingers. Tired and depressed and unwilling to get out of bed. It can be a hard funk to escape.
Outside the thunder is rolling. That is good at least. I like the thunder and the rain. Makes me want to go to bed and lie in the dark and listen to it. I bet by the time I do go to bed it will have passed though. So it goes.
I spent a good deal of time thinking yesterday. I got some new apartment offers. One of them very tempting. It is in Bispehaven, the apartment block next to the playground. So I’d practically be neighbours to the goats. The apartment is fairly similar to the one I have now. It’s a one room apartment, sort of split into two sections; a kitchen and a living room. It’s 49m2, the one I have now is 41m2. I don’t know how much of a difference 8m2 would make, but having a little more space would be nice. It’s on the third floor. My original thinking was that I prefer being on the ground floor, but I guess that has changed after what happened on Saturday. It would be nicer to be up a little, so random people couldn’t get to my window so easy. All in all I really like the look of this new apartment. I almost got myself excited about it. But I guess I’ll turn it down. I just don’t want to deal with moving. Moving stuff. Technicalities. Moving internet connections. All this stuff to deal with, I just don’t feel up to it. It annoys me a little because I actually want to do it. But I’m going to let apathy and depression and phobia stop me. Dumbass Plume. Maybe when the next one comes around, I will be ready. Who knows.
If Mads was still around I think I’d do it. Partly because being close to the goats would be even greater if he was there. And partly because if he was still there then I wouldn’t be as depressed. I have pretty much been depressed since he died. The immediate pain is gone, but I am still down and finding it hard to get up. Before it happened I had been pretty happy for a while. Especially with the birth of Choko and Lakrids. And even before that. For a while I had been feeling okay. Now I am back to waking up to the mantra of “I hate my life”. Back to lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling and thinking “I want to die”. Not serious, planning thoughts. Just repeated ohrases over and over.
It would probably be good for me to move. Get my mind off things. Get closer to the goats, spend more time with them. Bispehaven is a slightly better neighbourhood too. It’s the same kind of concrete blocks as Gellerup, but with less of a bad reputation. Less stigma.
But not now. I would like to. But I don’t want to deal with it. Case closed. You lose.
