How O’clock
I am not feeling too well. At least the headaches are gone, I think. But sadness lingers. Tired and depressed and unwilling to get out of bed. It can be a hard funk to escape.
Outside the thunder is rolling. That is good at least. I like the thunder and the rain. Makes me want to go to bed and lie in the dark and listen to it. I bet by the time I do go to bed it will have passed though. So it goes.
I spent a good deal of time thinking yesterday. I got some new apartment offers. One of them very tempting. It is in Bispehaven, the apartment block next to the playground. So I’d practically be neighbours to the goats. The apartment is fairly similar to the one I have now. It’s a one room apartment, sort of split into two sections; a kitchen and a living room. It’s 49m2, the one I have now is 41m2. I don’t know how much of a difference 8m2 would make, but having a little more space would be nice. It’s on the third floor. My original thinking was that I prefer being on the ground floor, but I guess that has changed after what happened on Saturday. It would be nicer to be up a little, so random people couldn’t get to my window so easy. All in all I really like the look of this new apartment. I almost got myself excited about it. But I guess I’ll turn it down. I just don’t want to deal with moving. Moving stuff. Technicalities. Moving internet connections. All this stuff to deal with, I just don’t feel up to it. It annoys me a little because I actually want to do it. But I’m going to let apathy and depression and phobia stop me. Dumbass Plume. Maybe when the next one comes around, I will be ready. Who knows.
If Mads was still around I think I’d do it. Partly because being close to the goats would be even greater if he was there. And partly because if he was still there then I wouldn’t be as depressed. I have pretty much been depressed since he died. The immediate pain is gone, but I am still down and finding it hard to get up. Before it happened I had been pretty happy for a while. Especially with the birth of Choko and Lakrids. And even before that. For a while I had been feeling okay. Now I am back to waking up to the mantra of “I hate my life”. Back to lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling and thinking “I want to die”. Not serious, planning thoughts. Just repeated ohrases over and over.
It would probably be good for me to move. Get my mind off things. Get closer to the goats, spend more time with them. Bispehaven is a slightly better neighbourhood too. It’s the same kind of concrete blocks as Gellerup, but with less of a bad reputation. Less stigma.
But not now. I would like to. But I don’t want to deal with it. Case closed. You lose.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:24
Hay, hay. At least you’re thinking about different apartment offers. I can remember a certain danish goat boy who didn’t think he’d ever live in his own apartment, let alone be thinking about a different one!
It is difficult when a pet dies. I didn’t want to add to your sadness, but one of our cockatiels, Guido died a couple of weeks ago. He was around 11 1/2 years old. We had him with us for 10 1/2 of those years.
He had a previous home that wasn’t a very nice one. Guido always had a feather plucking problem, but we loved him just the same as any other bird with all his feathers.
We miss him terribly, but are trying to spend as much time as possible with our other 4 birds. Guido was our first cockatiel and he was quite a character.
We still have one cockatiel, the laughing parrot, a parakeet, and a parrotlet. And of course, our lovely goatzies and donkey girl, Snickers. Plus two German short-hair dogs (one of them is going to be 12 years old and the other one is around 8 years old).
I don’t know what I’d do without the other animals to love and take care of. Guido can’t be replaced (like Mads), but our lives were richer for having known him.
I hope you will start feeling some better and can enjoy being with the other playground animals. They all love you, too and you’re important to them (not to mention all the kids at the playground).
Do some things that make you feel good, get out of the apartment for awhile, go for a walk, visit your parents, go to the library, do laundry, or buy a new shirt. Did you ever go to the animal shelter to visit the kittens?
After your trip this fall, you might want to start thinking of kitties again. It’s hard to stay in bed when the kitty says: “FEED ME, NOW!”
There will be a tiny, little four-footed reason to get up in the morning. Might be nice to visit the animal shelter to see what they have to offer.
August 8th, 2008 at 22:37
It might be a good idea to truly consider moving. After that disturbingly odd event recently, sometimes living on the ground floor isn’t as nice as what one thought it would be. In the big cities like New York and Los Angeles, living on the ground floor means having to deal with the “elements” that walk by, etc.
So the higher up you are, the less likely sometime not so nice will occur. I’m sorry you’ve go the blues. Man, I know that feeling.
But Debster’s right in that you have all those wonderful who obviously see you as one of them. And maybe living closer to them will be good for the soul and mind.
And she’s also right about the kitty kat. Seriously think about getting one once you’re back from your grand trip. It is difficult to have lasting depression when there’s a big fluffy ball of hair meowing “FEED ME, NOW!”
I’m sorry to hear about losing your cockateil. It seems as though we’ve all experienced some tremendous loss in recently weeks.
We should all give ourselves lots of hugs, eat a huge slice of chocolate cake and a dish of ice cream, and just veg in front of the tv.
What I do when I’m depressed, I go to those Dollar Tree stores. I don’t know if you have them out where you are Debster, but everything’s $1. I see all sorts of funky stuff and it’s fun, too.
I don’t know if Denmark has those kinds of retail stores that sell very, very cheap but quality items.
So I think Debster and I know how you feel, Plume. But don’t worry; it’s only temporary.
August 9th, 2008 at 16:42
Debster – I am sorry to hear about Guido. These things will never be easy. More than ten years. That must be like forever. I am still surprised that I only knew Mads for some 4 years. It seems crazy, I could swear I knew him for twice that. Or more.
Do you have pictures of your dogs? I’d like to see them sometime.
A little kitty would definitely do me good. Just the ticket. Maybe I can bring a polar bear home from Greenland. Althogh I’d need a bigger apartment then.
LuisLemmings – I have turned the apartment down. I really do want to move. But I can’t deal with it right now. Hopefully a nother offer will come around soonish and I’ll be ready for it..
I don’t think we have those kind of dollar stores in Denmark. Wéll, I know we don’t since we don’t have dollars here. Harhar. But I don’t think we have kroner stores either. Not that I know of anyway. They sound fun. I’d buy that for a dollar.
August 10th, 2008 at 16:08
LuisLemmings: yes, we have the Dollar Tree stores and the Dollar General and Family Dollar. I’ve gotten some cute lawn ornaments there to put in my flower garden, cards, gift wrap paper, cleaning supplies, etc.
We go there to get cheap blankets to wrap up the finished doors we do at the shop so we can transport them without getting the finish marred up.
When we deliver lots of doors, we almost always get one of the other contractors asking us if we have any blankets left on the bed at home!
That’s why we get them at Dollar General, since I was getting tired of all the “good” blankets and sheets ending up wrapped around a door!