I am starting to feel a little better I think. Meaning that I don’t break down over every little thing. Still sad, but that’s how it’s supposed to be. The day I wouldn’t get sad over the death of a beautiful little goat kid that I have held in my own two arms, is the day I wouldn’t like myself very much. Well, very much more.

Now that I think about it I’m really glad that I was so wrecked on Sunday, after the Tina concert. Imagine if there had been no Tina concert and I had rushed up to the playground all fresh and happy, anxious to see the little kid again. I would have been the one who had found Rainbow then. I don’t know if I would have survived that… poor Jannie. She was there on Saturday when I was feeding the animals, she wanted to check on the little one too. I can’t even think about finding her dead like that. I would break down again.

The real world came knocking today. I got a letter from the social services. My application for retirement has been approved. So that’s good. Starting March 1st I will officially be retired. That should mean I’ll get a little extra money every month. And it means I won’t be dragged out into any jobs or projects that I don’t want. I can settle down and just worry about feeling okay. Work a little at the playground, find some volunteer thing, get a kitty, feel alrite. That’s the plan.

Tomorrow I’m going to dinner at my parents’ house. Will be nice to get out. Let life go on.

Thanks for all the comments guys. I appreciate it. I’m still pretty shook up about the whole thing. I find myself needing to cry when I think too much about little Rainbow. So I try not to think about it too much. It was going to be such a wonderful and happy thing, and now it’s just sad.

Right now I feel like I need time to pass, to get away from it. Distance. Time heals, right?

awake in my arms
you’ll cry unharmed