Group therapy part 2 done today. It went just fine. A lot easier than the first time. But still draining. That is the best word to describe it.

There were two new psychs in the room this time. Probably interns. They sat in the back and did the session transcription. There was also a microphone on the floor in the middle of the circle of chairs. And a camera in the back. It all adds a lot of pressure. All of us with social phobia have problems with getting attention and being judged. When you have two psychologists + 2 interns + a microphone + a camera + your team mates, then you suddenly feel like there are a lot of people judging what you say.

But it didn’t take long to forget about those things really. And the session wasn’t too different from the first one. Co-therapist Nicolas (not Nicolai as I thought) took the stage and told us more about phobias and fears. It all fit perfectly with me. Pretty much every single thing he said I could recognise from myself.

The two hours go by pretty fast. But exhausting. Fear is designed to keep you at attention. So you can react to the danger. Like Nicolas said, when we were out on the African savannah and the lions attack. The fear makes us react. Attack or flee. Sitting in group therapy for two hours is like running from a lion for two hours. Only without the lion.

Our homework had been to do some situation analysis forms. I got picked as the first one to do mine on the whiteboard. Dammit. It’s like being in school and hoping the teacher doesn’t pick you for that really hard question. But that’s what we’re there for of course. I shan’t complain. And it went okay. Although it’s still very hard to talk in front of everyone. That is my lion.

After the therapy I went to the playground. It’s remarkable how different a feeling it is. Going into the room for therapy I am at alert, I am stressed, I am afraid. All my senses are spiking. Sitting down with the animals I immediately get calm, feel happy. All my senses flatline and I worry about nothing. It’s a really good way to decompress after therapy. Amazing what an effect animals can have on people.

I know I need social contacts outside the playground. But small steps. The playground is my safe haven. It helps me a lot to have a place where I can feel happy and safe. And valued. That I have something to offer. I can be liked. By animals, kids, adults. I know there are people online who like me. And I appreciate that a lot. But that someone in real life can like me, that’s not something I’m used to feeling. When Skye first told me she loved me it took me a long time to accept it. We had to meet before I could really do that. Until we had spent some time together I couldn’t believe that she could love me. How could anyone love me? That is a thought that is still buried deep in my mind. Ten years of thinking of yourself as unlovable doesn’t not get erased that easily.

Anyway. Why not smile?

I got myself tickets to Tina Dickow today. Not the ones I was going for though. I wanted to get tickets to Trax. It’s a nice concept. Artists’ homecoming. Tina is going back to play at her old school. And since I still live in our old neighbourhood that will be pretty cool for me too. But there were no tickets at Kvickly, where they should have been on sale. Apparently the guy who was supposed to drop off the tickets and posters and stuff hadn’t shown up. And they didn’t have his number so they couldn’t get a hold of him! Darn. I hope they’ll get that all sorted out. I wonder what they do with the posters after the tickets are sold? Maybe I could snag one…

I got tickets for November, though. In Train. That’s a real club thing. I haven’t been to a concert at a venue like that. So that will be a new experience, unless something else in a club comes up before November. It’s been too long since my last concert, must find something new. Maybe something at Kulturgyngen. That would be handy. And I’d get a discount cause I work there. So that ain’t not bad.

That’s all. I’ll go be a crazed fan somewhere else. Toodles.

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