I am not feeling too good. Very sad about Vanilje’s passing. It makes me feel sick.

I was there when they found her. Alice was a bit late opening the playground. Something about having lost her keys. So I was there waiting when she came to open up. And went inside with her. I had heard the kid baahing inside, so I assumed everything was okay. Then Alice said “oh no… she’s dead”. I heard the kid baahing again, and at that point I still thought the kid was a girl. So I didn’t understand. And then it dawned on me that she was talking about Vanilje. Times like these when you’re almost greatful for not being able to see clearly.

Alice let Magnethe out and I sat down with the kid while she went to get some milk for him and tell the others what had happened. He seemed to be doing okay. Then Alice came back and tried to feed him. But he wouldn’t take the bottle. Alice said she’d go and buy some cream, maybe he would take that. I took the bottle and sat with him. He seemed hungry enough. He kept trying to suckle at my chin and nose. I pretty much got goat saliva all over my face. It was so sweet and sad, the way he looked up at me and then thrust up his face, trying to find something to eat. He looks so much like his mother. It breaks my heart that he’s never going to really know her. She was a good goat. A very good goat.

Eventually I managed to maneuver the bottle so instead of chewing on my nose he started drinking. I think half of the milk had splashes out on the ground by then, but at least he got something to drink. Then he settled down and fell asleep in my lap. And I held him while I cried a little and thought about Vanilje.

Later Alice came back. She had talked to Kurt on the phone. He’d told her that cream wouldn’t be good, so I’m glad we didn’t try that. And Alice was glad I had managed to feed him. She said I was probably the right one to do it because I’m so calm. Later on the little guy woke up and started trying to eat my face again, so I told Alice that he was probably still hungry. She got another bottle, and wanted to see how I’d done it. I didn’t have to let him chew on my nose so much this time, though, he figured out the bottle a lot quicker. And Alice was very appreciative that I had helped with it and been there to take care of him while she had been arranging things.

There was a girl who came in to see and pet the little kid. And there were other visitors. There was a guy who came with a lot of kids. I heard him say something about having grown up on a farm and how the death of animals should be something natural, so he came in with the kids and they looked at Vanilje briefly. She was still lying there. It was kind of horrible to be sitting so close to her, but at least there was a wall partially between us and with my bad eyesight in the dark… but still. Alice said that the people who had to come get her wouldn’t be able to make it until Monday. So they’re going to have to drape her in tarp and move her and.. I don’t even want to think about it. Or about Magnethe and the boy walking around her all night. Christ.

They think she had another stillborn baby that she couldn’t get out. And now I can’t stop thinking about how she was still moaning and pushing sometimes yesterday. One of the interns said she had another baby. But they said she didn’t. I can’t help blaming myself for not insisting that they had gotten her examined or something. It’s not like she seemed to be in horrible pain or anything. But I wish… maybe if I could have seen better I would have known, would have done something. I’m sorry Vanilje. I’m sorry I spent more time with Magnethe than with you. I hope you knew I loved you. And I hope you’re with Mads and Rainbow and the others now. I will miss you.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 26th, 2010 at 21:11 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.