So, on Tuesday I went back to the playground. A week after Magnethe’s death. I wanted to write about it sooner, but I was feeling kinda sad and unmotived for a while. Not constantly, though. Just at times. Mostly I’ve been pretty good. But writing about it just didn’t come to me, for some reason. But I’ll give it a go now.

I was nervous about going back. I thought perhaps a week was too soon, but I’ve been dealing with things okay I thought and I really missed spending time with goats. So I wanted to go. I was afraid it would be horribly sad and I wouldn’t be able to find happiness there again. But of course there is happiness. Where there are goats there is happiness. At least for me, that is mostly the case. And as soon as I saw the goats I felt better. And relieved. The first one I saw was Kamel. In the paved courtyard. I went over and said hi to her and around the corner came the rest of the goats. They had escaped, again. Mio came runnig with her leash after her. Dragging the metal plug, clanking on the pavement. Kamel didn’t even have a leash. Nina came by and asked if I’d seen her leash. Nope. I’ve seen goats pull the plug out of the ground plenty of times but I’ve never seen them get their leash off their collar on their own. Where there’s a goat, there’s a way. But it was just wonderful to see them again. Everyone seemed to be doing fine. Bob’s tail was pointing to the sky and he seemed happy. He was chasing a white rabbit around. Maybe I should call him Alice?

Nina came and we took the goats over to the little cloverfield. Mio didn’t want to go at first though. Nina tried to drag her by the leash, but she was having none of it. She was really digging her heels in and refusing to move. If you have handled goats I’m sure you know how stubborn they can be. So she was standing her ground. Until Nina gave me the leash, and then Mio just started walking with me. So that made me feel all special. Until we were halfway there and she stopped again and refused to move. Silly goat. But then Nina came with the other goats and Mio was persuaded to come with us. And tnen I sat in the cloverfield with them for a good, long while. It was grey and it rained a little bit at times. No weather for goats. But it was alright. It was a sweet, quiet time. And I enjoyed their company. It was odd, though. Not having Magnethe there. She was such a big lady, in more ways than one. Huge and dominating and just commanding attention. There is a big hole left there. It obviously did not feel right. I especially missed hearing her call out when spotting me. She would always baah at the slightest sign of me. With that loud, powerful voice. I will miss that a lot.

At one point I was looking up at the grey sky and I was just imagining her face there, superimposed over the entire skyline. Watching us. A little over the top image. But I’d like to think she was looking down on us. Watching her boy. And me. Looking out for us.

I don’t know if it has completely sunk in that I’m never going to see her there again. It’s just a weird and horrible thought. I suppose with time that will be come inescapable. Right now it feels likes he’s still going to be there next time. She’s going to come back. But I know she won’t. It will take some time for that to settle in my mind. For the new reality to set in. The new order, at the playground. I guess Mio will become the leader. At least until Bob is bigger. Right now the buck, Preben, is in charge. To be honest I wouldn’t mind if he left soon. He’s a sweet goat, but as long as he is there it’s harder for me to get one-on-one time with Bob. They don’t get along, so when Preben is near me Bob will walk away. I love Bob. He’s Magnethe’s boy and he is so handsome. And the first goat boy that I get to see actually grow up. I would like to try to get a strong bond with him. So I hope Preben will be leaving soon. He’s been at the playground for a long time, I think his job is well done. Maybe we’ll get to see him again some day in the future.

Just sitting there with the goats cleared away a lot of the fear. Some of the sadness. Although it brought new sadness too. But it was good. It was nice to see Nina and Sigrid too. Sigrid was on the phone when I was leaving so I didn’t really get to talk to her. Nina asked me how I was doing. I just stammered that I was doing okay. I’m not good at talking, especially not about feelings. But I know they know how hard it’s been for me.

I only went that one time this week. I do want to go more to the playground, but it’s still a little much. A little fresh. So I’ll take my time getting there.

Mostly, generally, I have been doing okay. The really powerful sadness has been isolated into incidents. I’m getting happier and trying to get back into a more positive frame of mind and keeping up with Project Self Embetteringment, as I have now dubbed it. It’s coming along, slowly but surely. Where it will take me, nobody knows.

I took some photos at the playground. They are in the photo album:plume.dk/pics/thumbnails.

I especially like this one of Bob poking his tongue out:

Cutiepie.

I also made a video. You can see Bob chasing the white bunny. And also Preben duelling the branches and bushes.

Focusing on the good things. That’s going pretty well.

I hope you are all well out there. As always, I appreciate the support. And especially the people who have gotten to know Magnethe through me. That is one of the things that makes me most happy. Sharing my goat friends. Even if I have to force them on people! I have had a couple of people tell me that I have helped them get to know or appreciate goats more after getting to know me, and that just makes me happy. Thank you for the patience and attention. We’re none of us alone, or perfect.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 14th, 2012 at 22:46 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.