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It just struck me how alone I am. The only people who know my thoughts live in far-away countries, they have never even seen me. I almost never talk to the people who do see me. I drift through the day like a shadow, avoiding others. I go to bed every night alone, wake up every morning alone. I have no one to hold. Nothing to hold on to.
No matter how much I sleep, I only get more tired. No matter how much I eat, I only get more hungry. No matter how much I drink, I only get more thirsty. No matter how much I hide, I only feel more exposed.
Sometimes it feels like I’m digging myself deeper and deeper in a hole.
February 11th, 2006 at 6:06
I’m so sorry you feel this way. Sometimes though being held doesn’t even help. Sometimes I hurt to much to even be held and it is just through friends on-line that I do get through. Be gentle on yourself. I have tried to post in your LJ several times but my messages always seem to get lost somewhere. Hmmmm…. I bet you know where all those messages that never get through go. Do you think they sit right below the o-zone? Enlighten us Plume where do those messages go? A friend, yes far away, but none the less a freind through your live journal and fabulous pictures and entries. (I love the lambs!!!) Debbie
February 11th, 2006 at 19:33
Hi Plume. I know the way you feel, I can relate to this in a way. The person that I want to be held by is far away and I’m a real huggable person, meaning I love to be hugged and I think the world would be a much better place if people hugged each other more often. But I don’t get too many huggs. I think this feeling you’re now experiencing is somehow connected to the upcoming Valentine’s day. I walk into a shop and boom! hearts and tarts all around, scented candles and what not. Many of my friends say they’d rather sleep all day on tuesday and wake up on wednesday like there was no 14th. But I think what they don’t think about is that this is not only a day for two people to share. On this day I remind myself how much I love and appreciate my family, friends (online too), my dog, my flowers… On this day you should also love and appreciate you, because you are very special. And Plume, you should give people a chance to know you better, because right now they are just not aware of how lucky they would be to know you. I consider myself lucky to know you, even if it is online and not directly.
There was a period in my life that I tried to hide away and I didn’t really know how to communicate. I’d always think hard about how to keep the conversation interesting and analyse what other people thought of me. I couldn’t relax and simply be myself. It would fascinate me how people could talk freely and have fun. yes, it seemed like a gift of some sort. I’d find myself thinking that I miss the feeling of unity, sharing a bond with someone and seeing people together on the street would make me sad and lonely. I waited for someone to see the real me, to find me. But the truth is that you gotta reach out to people and not think too much. Now, when I talk to someone I just let go and talk as much about something important as I do about unimportant stuff. I’m not afraid to say something silly or improper, cause I have a right to be wrong or misunderstood. I realized that when I was tense while talking my friends also seemed to be uncomfortable. I’d try talking and keeping the convo alive and interesting, however now I know that sometimes it is nicer just to sit around quetly and talk random stuff in a relaxed atmosphere. I find talking about subjects dear to me very relaxing. I seem a real expert on things like my fave singer or cake recepies. And Plume, you’ve got goats, cats, tv shows, IT knowledge, photography, music… lots of subjects :)
This feeling will pass Plume, trust me. And you know, sometimes I think that it’s kinda a positive thing that we can be alone with ourselves, just in the company of ourselves. There are people out there, that can’t and are freaked out by such a thought. They always need to be surrounded by other people, cause being alone with themselves seems awful. But you gotta be your own friend for starters. Only then you can be a friend to someone else.
Ok, I hope I won’t get in any trouble for this looong comment ;) I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Take care amigo,
Mills
February 11th, 2006 at 19:39
Lasse, if you read back these were all the symptoms of your depression before you got medical help. Your meds are not working anymore and you need to see a doctor. This is not something you can’t fix. Read back.
Aloneness is fixable, too, but it’s likely you won’t want to connect with people until you feel better. When we are alone it’s mostly because we want to be, not because there aren’t people out there who will like us and love us and want to be with us. They are out there but they won’t find you by themselves. You have to see your doctor again and start therapy. Therapy should be an ongoing process, especially in your situation where the drugs need to be monitored. Drugs sometimes stop working (your body builds a tolerance) and you need to try different things. I’m surprised your therapists let you go so soon and so abruptly. It’s probably a good idea for you to see someone on a regular basis so that you don’t get caught up in these mind games (that’s what the hole is about..a mind game.)
February 11th, 2006 at 19:45
P.S. Your diet is something that is also important to monitor. If you are eating a lot of sugary/floury foods, you will feel more hungry and this will increase your depression. Ditto for sugary drinks. But you already know this. I saw you leap into courage, going to group sessions, attending concerts, feeling happy, socializing on the edges, working, not feeling sleepy all the time…you were starting to emerge from the hole. You realized it isn’t your nature to be black and feeling sleepy all the time. I’m convinced it is your meds not working anymore and now you’re slipping back into what was. You are not meant to be so unhappy. You are not meant to feel sleepy all the time. Life is difficult and scary but it is also wonderful as you know. You need to take the first step and call your doctor so you can get back to feeling good. It is a choice you have to make. I know you can do it. Please do it, Lasse.
Love Katherine
February 12th, 2006 at 12:22
Katherine, no one could’ve put it better in words than you. When I look back on what helped me in the first place, it has to be meds and therapy. Only then could I see life in a different way and develop the habbits that would help me to get back on track. I know it’s sometimes tempting to delay things or think that it will all resolve by itself… But there are so many people out there who are willing to give you a helping hand, you just have to reach out to them. Be strong dear!
February 14th, 2006 at 19:19
no comment
February 26th, 2006 at 22:28
I can prescribe something to “help”.
signed,
Your Friendly Neighbourhood MD
May 3rd, 2006 at 20:14
Jesus christ man, LOST should be enough to get you through the days. At least your not starving in ethiopia you ass
June 22nd, 2006 at 23:57
hello i saint travis and i saw a arrow in lost