Your weekly horrorscope is ready:

ARIES
(Mar. 21- April 20)
You will be overly sensitive this week. Supernatural episodes will make you cry. Watch out for vampires. You may have many friends among the creatures of the night but if you’re not careful you might find yourself in unfortunate circumstances. This could be a good time to include garlic in your regular diet. Keep checking your email, you should expect to hear from your evil twin any day now.

TAURUS
(Apr. 21- may 21)
You can make new friends by hanging out at the graveyard. Relatives will want to get together, but might be offended at your desire to urinate on their graves. Spend some quality time with the ghosts’n’goblins. Love can be heightened if you sacrifice a small fish.

GEMINI
(May 22-June 21)
Your ability to be a self starter will help you escape the killer apes. Your self esteem will benefit. Friends will be loyal and caring, as long as you don’t spill blood on them. You will be ready to jump on anyone who gets in the way of your progress this week. Just watch out for tall cliff edges,

CANCER
(June 22-July 22)
Be sure to use your charm and diplomacy when dealing with the undead. Your lack of telepathy may have been a factor. If you have a hard time in your workplace then suggest ritual slayings of the coffee machines.

LEO
(July 23-Aug 22)
Your week will start as a bloodbath, but if you keep your head cool you will find a pleasant surprise waiting for you when the weekend comes. Don’t trust people who offer wooden nickels.

VIRGO
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately he is a mad professor. Don’t give away body parts for less than what they are really worth. If people tell you that you have a screw loose then take it as a compliment.

LIBRA
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
Discuss your objectives with slayers and watchers. Romance will be on your mind, but the mummy’s curse will get in the way. Spending the night in a haunted house may at first seem like a good idea but consider it carefully before signing your soul over as collateral.

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Make an effort to eat healthier. Only virgins or fresh donuts. If you start to feel queasy then consult a physician as quickly as possibly. Then eat him. Don’t disturb the demons that live in your cupboard, they will be grumpy all week due to a misunderstanding with Satan.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
Having just escaped from an underground dungeon you will be eager to form new social acquaintences. But be advised that satanic cults often have hidden motives when inviting you to parties. You are more likely to meet new friends if you invite a bunch of teenagers to stay in your uncle’s cabin in the woods. Remember to bring a chainsaw, since party games are always welcome!

CAPRICORN
(Dec 22.- Jan. 20)
Communications with loved ones may be strained after you had your mouth sewn shut. This is a wonderful day to look into snuff movies. Losses are likely if you aren’t careful who you try poison. If your giant pet snake escapes then don’t panic. It will most likely turn up again. Your family may not, though.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
Lions and tigers and werewolves, oh my! A safari might seem like a good idea, but if it’s sponsored by Widmore Construction, think again! If you look into the mirror and see the face of a deranged killer instead of your own face try not to smash the mirror. Seven years of bad luck will not make your serial killer career any easier.

PISCES
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
You will feel a great urge to make a comedic entry in your blog. Try to resist this at all cost, since your ideas are unlikely to hold up to closer scrutiny. Also, you will find yourself being chased by a pack of dinosaurs. With hilarious consequences. Beware the eyes of creepy little girls in white dresses.

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