I was going to go to work today. But somehow I ended up sleeping. Sleeping till 4 pm. And I’m not feeling too hot. But I don’t know if it’s because there is a little sickness lingering or if it’s just… me.

I have run out of medication. Took my last pill yesterday. I have “ordered” new ones, but I’m not going to get them picked up today. So for the first time since I started taking medication I will miss a day. It’s no disaster though, I’ll pick them up tomorrow morning when I go to work.

I need to set a date with the doc to talk about the medication. I haven’t yet. Quite very stupid of me not to have gotten that done before I got a new bottle of pills. If I need to change medication or dosage then maybe that bottle of pretty white pills will be useless.

I also missed the callback meeting of my therapy group. It was on Friday. I was sick, but could I have forced myself to go? I will call my therapist at some point (no, really I will) and talk to her. Maybe we can have a meeting by ourselves, maybe we can talk over the phone, maybe it doesn’t really matter.

It’s all very stupid of me, and yet I don’t care.

I had very bizarre dreams in my long sleep today. There was a haunted house where they wouldn’t let me use the bathroom. And it was full of amazing things. I won’t bore you with the details, but it was one of those dreams that make me love my subconscious and make me wonder why I’m not a world famous writer when I can come up with things like that. I also dreamt that my mother bought a French Lost dvd box set with unaired episodes. The rest of season 2. And again I won’t bore you with the details, but again it was full of amazing ideas. Giant cows and water that turns you into Others and busses driving over bridges and things I can’t even explain.

Is it any wonder that I would rather spend all day dreaming? In my dreams there is no judgement. There is no pain. There is no fear, apart from the fear of the giant flying squids that chase me into a dark hallway. That fear is much easier to deal with than the fear of people looking at me. Maybe that’s why I love nightmares. I like staggering into the bathroom in the middle of the night with a pounding heart, wondering if the orphan goblins are following me to pull out my teeth. Wondering if that shade I see in the mirror is me in the dark, or something else. A giant guardian swan that can walk through walls to get me.

I will pull myself together. Tomorrow, probably.

I didn’t mean for this to be a depressing entry. Something rather nice happened yesterday. I was in our kitchen, getting some ice for a drink. I looked out of the window. Right outside you can see the fence of our neighbour’s yard. And suddenly a cat jumped up on the fence. It was Moomincat. He’d been in their yard. I quickly ran to the door to our yard and opened it. Just in case he wanted to pop in for a visit. And he did.

And what happiness it is to be with a cat. As I have mentioned, my mother is visiting relatives. So I had the house to myself. It is very enjoyable to have Moomincat visiting when the house is empty. I can let him go exploring in all the rooms.

Looking for hiding places.

Nooks and crannies.

That’s my mother’s cup. She had left it in her bed room with water in it. And Moomincat decided to have a drink from it.

I find him to be a beautiful cat. Royal in apperance. When he walks, it is with a royal air to him. Maybe it’s just that special cat sense of self worth. He knows that he is adored.

I love how he will walk around with me. How he doesn’t mind that I pick him up. How he answers back at me when I make cat noises. I feel accepted by him. Which is a special thing for someone like me. I don’t think there are many people in the world who actively dislike me but I still can’t get away from that “basice life rule” of nobody likes you, nobody loves you, nobody ever will. So just having a little cat want to be around me is a precious thing.

I remember when I went to the Netherlands to meet Skye. And her dog, Sascha. I was standing in a parking lot in a strange country, waiting for them. And then I saw them coming at me. And I was almost more scared of meeting the dog than meeting Skye. Back then I had no experience with animals. I was convinced that Sascha would bark at me or something, that he wouldn’t like me. Which was very silly because I knew that he was such a good and friendly dog. But still. I didn’t expect anyone to like me.

Meeting Sas was a very good thing for me. And meeting Skye too of course. Those two taught me to love animals and little things that make you happy and the colour green. Without that I wouldn’t have a way out when depression strikes.

But now I can still smile.

There is still a reason to pull myself together.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 27th, 2006 at 20:51 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.