Chinese Boxes
I cried last night. It was a good cry though. It was Antony and the Johnsons. On Swedish telly. I happened upon it as I was going to bed. Södra Teatern. It was just Antony at the piano. And then a woman with a.. cello? Maybe. It was so beautiful, it made me cry.
Antony and the Johnsons is the best musical discovery I have made in a long, long time. I’m sure they’re not to everyone’s taste. But I heartily recommend that you check them out. For example that live Södra Teatern televisation might be available through illegal download torrent piracy warez channels. Not that I recommend that you do that. I recommend you watch it on Swedish TV instead, because you obviously all have access to that.
So anyway. Part of why I like A and the Js (hey, that’s hip) is also because Antony is not exactly a conventional beauty. Some of his features remind me a little of myself. Just a little. And it’s so very nice to see someone a little aparte making such great music. I don’t know if he’s going to be number 1 on TRL or anything, but he’s getting to be very succesful. And that is a wonderful thing.
He has the whole drag thing going on. You could mistake him for a girl. I have been mistaken for a girl. That is one of the reasons why it makes me feel good when people call me “man”, not just because it means I don’t look like a kid, but also because I don’t look like a girl. It might seem funny, or not important. But remember the gynecomastia. Remember the fragile mind, the depression, the low self worth. If I am not even a guy then what am I? It can crush you, it feels like you have no identity. There is something wrong with you, that is all you see. It has always hurt me when it happened. Deeply. It would be nice to put on a dress and be artsy, but that’s not who I am.
Yes, yes. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I guess with all the improvements that have happened I am still governed by my one true life-rule. “I am worth nothing”. I still can’t seem to get away from that. I can still lie in bed at night and think that everyone hates me and I will never be okay and no one will ever see me as anything but a freak. And that is why seeing someone like Antony being succesful is so good. It’s a little hope. A little hope for the freaks.
It’s kinda funny isn’t it? My problem is that I’m not beautiful? Maybe I should start wearing makeup…
Still sick. Two days till my birthday. An old, old man.
I Fell In Love With a Dead Boy
I find you with red tears in your eyes
I ask you what is your name
You offer no reply
Should I call a doctor
Before I fear you might be dead
But I just lay down beside you
And held your hand
I fell in love with you
Now you’re my one, only one
‘Cause all my life I’ve been so blue
But in that moment you fulfilled me
Now I’ll tell all my friends
I fell in love with a dead boy
Now I’ll tell my family
I wish you could have met him
Now I write letters to Australia
Now I throw bottles out to sea
I whisper the secret in the ground
No one’s gonna take you away from me
I fell in love with a dead boy
Oh, such a beautiful boy
I fell in love with a dead boy
Oh, such a beautiful boy
Oh, such a beautiful boy
I’m asking
Are you a boy or a girl
Are you a boy or are you a girl
Are you a boy or are you a girl
Are you a boy
Are you a girl
Are you a boy
Are you a girl
Are you a boy
Are you a girl
(notice me, comfort me, understand me)
March 14th, 2006 at 4:13
Plume just by reading your writings I know you are enough! Does that make sense? In other words maybe you don’t have to be any more then you already are. In my eyes you are enough! Thank you for your beautiful writings. Your friend, Debbie.