Vacation slowly simmers. The nights become longer, the days shorter. The sun shines brighter as if to compress itself into the fewer hours. Time slows to a halt.

I had a meeting at the anxiety clinic yesterday. (The picture of me sitting under a tree was taken on my way home from there). Talked to Signe, the therapist that will be in charge of the group sessions. Nothing too interesting. Mostly rehashing all the stuff I talked with the old therapist about. And talking a little about the group sessions and the future. They’ll be starting in the beginning of August. With time slowing down, that is many months away.

And now I have no outstanding worries, I have nothing planned for a month. I like that. Like an ocean of free time that I can swim into. If there is one thing I miss about being a lonely, sad, bitter, isolated loser then it is having all the time in the world to do anything I wanted. Unfortunately the “lonely, sad, bitter, isolated loser” part itself was never so nice. I have dug out my old paper journals. All the way back to 1994 they go. Strange reading. Very poorly written. And a life very poorly thought out. If I could only go back in time and give myself a good ass whoopping. “Stay in school, moron”. But no. The past is what makes the present, and right now the present is no longer so awful. Who knows if I would have been happy if I had stayed in school? I will not say that I have no regrets, because I do. I have a couple of big ones. But I’m on the right track now. Hopefully I have made my mistakes, used up my quota of bad fortune.

Smiles are better.

My lovely Magnethe. I love her flat nose. It’s so cute. I love when she taps me on the shoulder with her legs. “I know you have food. Don’t you be holding out on me”. It is such a human thing to do, projecting your own humanity onto animals. I don’t know what Magnethe is thinking. But I know I’m thinking she’s one of the best things that has happened in my life. I still remember being all amazed the first time I saw her. I didn’t even know Mathilde was a girl, much less that she was bearing a wonderful little goat kid.

Funny things happen to your thought processes. Now when I look at bushes and trees and see beautiful leaves I don’t think “oh beautiful colours, lively leaves in the wind, pretty shapes”. No, I think “Mmm they look yummy. I bet Mads would love them”.

There are other animals at the playground of course. The geese.

They are still very protective of their young ones. If you walk too closely by then they will adopt their defensive poses.

Head low to the ground, mouth open. Walking towards you in a threatening manor. They don’t know I’m a gentle giant. I wouldn’t harm a feather on their bodies.

A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse. And there are two. Musse and Sine enjoying the summer. The weather has cooled down. I prefer it like this. Sunny and warm, with a breeze and occasional clouds. Better than choking heatwaves and melting asphalt.

And now for something completely different. Do you know Postsecret? There is something about it that speaks to me. I think it’s beautiful. The humanity in it. It’s funny too of course, some of it. But I find it touching. It makes me want to write down a secret on a postcard and send it to them. I don’t know what to write though. Maybe that should be my secret.

This one could be mine. I’m not quite 28 but other than that it fits pretty good.

I guess the flaws are what make us interesting. Unique. It’s funny how I desire to be normal, but at the same time I don’t want to be boring. I want so badly to fit into a crowd, but I don’t want to disappear in it. Is it even possible? To be like everyone else but to still be unique? I love snow. The falling snow. Every snowflake is unique, and yet you couldn’t tell them apart in a snowstorm.

Nobody wants to be alone.

Listening: Porcupine Tree – Mellotron Scratch (050520)

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