I have some bad news. Regarding Mads. He is getting worse, unfortunately. The treatment didn’t help at all. He’s having a hard time walking. He’s not just limping, he’s almost falling down on his knees. When he had to pee he staid on his front knees, normally a male goat would be standing when he pees. He sits down pretty much all the time, watching the others run around. It’s not good. He isn’t doing too well I’m afraid.

The vet is going to come look at him again. But as was said the last time, since it’s not an infection there’s really nothing to do. It will only get worse. And the vet told Alice that surgery isn’t really an option, because he would still have trouble walking. As much as it kills me to say it, I am about 99% sure that I’m going to have to say goodbye to Mads soon.

I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is for me. He means so much to me, little giant Mads. I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t found him. Maybe I wouldn’t have this love of goats, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten all the positive things from the playground. He has done so much for me. The idea of him not being around is just unfathomable.

I don’t even know when the vet will come. He has to squeeze Mads into the schedule. It could be any day. And I don’t know what he’ll do. If they have to put Mads down can he just do it on the spot? Will he have to come back later? Will they take Mads away? I could basically come to the playground tomorrow and Mads could be gone.

But I’m trying to spend as much time as I can there. To be with Mads as much as I can. And to hopefully be there when the vet comes. In a way I guess it would be better not to be there. But I do want to be able to say a proper goodbye. It’s been so hard the last couple of days, saying goodbye and not knowing if it would be the last time I saw him. Also hard to just sit with him and know that time is running out. I can tell he’s not doing well, but there’s still that selfish part of me that wants to cling on to him. Part of me that wishes I’d kept my big mouth shut and not asked them to get him checked by the vet. But I know that’s pointless, even if I had said nothing he would still have gotten worse and eventually they would’ve had to do something. Maybe by acting I will have spared him some pain and suffering in the end. I can only hope.

I am trying not to let it overwhelm me. These are most likely my last days with him, I want to make the most of them. I guess I am blocking out the sadness. But then the apathy rises and is joined by the feeling that there is no point to anything, that nothing matters. I just want to sleep.

God, I never thought this would be happening. When Jannie asked me if I had noticed that he was limping a bit. When was that? Four months ago? Five? A playground without Mads, that’s just a thought that is too horrible to think. I know there will still be four wonderful goats there. And Poul the buck will probably come back at some point. But no one could ever compare to Mads.

The first day I took pictures of the goats and sheep at the playground I took this: 040616_goatstar. I labeled it “goatstar” because I didn’t know his name but I knew he was a star, from the very first day. I can’t believe that’s only 4 years ago. I feel like I’ve known him forever. I have spent much more time with him than I have with any human. I am going to miss him so much.

Kurt was at the playground today. Maybe because of the Mads situation? I’m not sure. But I do believe I hadn’t seen him since the christmas party. So it was good to say hello. We didn’t talk that much, but he seemed to be doing well and had that same air of being so kind and sympathetic. Alice and Per have been showing sympathy as well. They know very well how hard this is going to be for me. They know the bond I have with Mads. They are good people. As good as humans can get.

Anyway, I have rambled on enough. I’m going to go to bed. And hope to see Mads tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 22nd, 2008 at 22:18 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.