“People won’t like me unless I live up to their ideals”

“If I say something people will judge me”

“My opinions aren’t worth as much as those of other people”

“I am worth less than others”

It’s odd when you see it written down like that. Why do you think things like that about yourself? Doesn’t make sense.

My therapist said I was intelligent. We were talking about what resources I had in my struggle against the social phobia. “But maybe that’s not something that’s easy to say about yourself”. Well duh. I suffer from low self esteem, of course I wouldn’t say I was intelligent.

It was nice of her to say it though.

I only have two sessions left with her now. But the good news is that I’m on a waiting list for the group therapy afterwards. Might have to wait till after the summer vacation, but just good that they accepted me. It will be hard, but I imagine it will be good for me.

My therapist gave me a pamphlet for a research project about social phobia. They’re studying DNA. Whether genetics have a bearing on social phobia. I’m not sure if I’ll say yes to it. Your parents are supposed to be included in the study. And I don’t want that. Even though it’s nice to finally be honest about my situation I still don’t want to join this project with my parents. But if they’ll take me on my own then I’ll probably do it. Like it says in the pamphlet, it’s not something that’s going to be helping me. But maybe it will help others in the future. And I’d like that of course. Social phobia can be very damaging. If this study can help us understand and fight it then that would be great.

I’ll see what they say. I’m getting pretty used to talking about it. Therapy is still hard, but I’m handling it fine.

I had a good night’s sleep last night. Finally. Maybe due to the fact that I have today off. Holiday. For some reason I sleep a lot better when I know that my alarm clock won’t go off at 7:30.

The weather is unstable. One minute it’s hot like deep summer and the next it’s cloudy and grey. Sometimes a little of column A and a little of column B.

Rain or shine, it’s always nice at the playground though.

I wish I could record the sound of White baahing. It continues to make me laugh. It sounds so ridiculous. I don’t understand how one sound can be both so cute and so funny. I wonder if he will learn to do it properly when he grows up or if he’ll just always sound like a squeaky teenager.

Mama sheep sounds funny sometimes too. When she tries to baah while she has her mouth full of grass. I wonder what is so important that she doesn’t have time to chew before she says it?

What is the proper word for a sheep baahing actually? I use “baah” as a verb sometimes. I don’t know.

This is funny too. Mads does it all the time now. Puts his leg up on me like that. He does it because he wants to lick/chew his foot. Hoof? But it just reminds me of some drunken barfly putting his arm around your shoulder and saying “lemme tell you shchomething mishhter” while you try not to get drunk from the liquour on his breath. Doesn’t it look like he has that sort of pose? Or “Let me tell you something, son”.

He had a nice sit-down too.

One of the supervisors came by. She said “Mads, what are you doing? You never sit there”.

I have never seen him sit like that on the bench either. He looked mightily comfortable though.

I sat down on the bench. And we sat there for 20 minutes or something. I like doing that, just sitting down near the goats. Watching them. Defending my coat from Mads. Sometimes picking some leaves and feeding them to Mathilde. It doesn’t have to be fun and adventurous always. Just sitting down and relaxing with them is nice. I feel comfortable and happy.

A couple more pictures of Mathilde and I.

I took them with the trigger timer function of the camera. I did get a girl to take a picture of me sitting with Mads on the bench but she messed it up a little. I didn’t have the heart to tell her to try again. So I figured I’d take some with the timer function. Although it’s surprisingly hard to get goats to stand still and pose with you properly. But I think those are some sweet pictures anyway. Even though I don’t like seeing myself. But ah. It’s the same as putting my name and address up here. I am tired of hiding. Let the world judge me, what’s the worst that can happen? I have let my fears rule me all my life. I want to try and grasp some freedom. And I’ll just have to accept the consequences. Most of you people are so nice anyway.

Group hug!

There was a little chubby girl who came up to me while I was taking the pictures. She told me that she had been away from the playground for years because her family had moved. But they had moved back now. So she was just getting used to coming here again. She used to ride on Musse when she was just two years old. The girl, I mean. She said “I think she missed me”. I agreed, said I was sure Musse had missed her. I don’t know why this girl started telling me about her personal life like that. But I imagined myself as a chubby little kid. And I tried to do what I would have wanted others to do for me back then. Be nice and listen. Sweet and understanding. I don’t know how well I did. But I’d like it if I could be something positive in her, or anyone else’s, life. If we were all kind and understanding to each other then we probably wouldn’t need research projects and studies. We don’t really need a cure, we just need love.

I saw the older girl, the one with the camera. She was playing with the kids. I think maybe she’s an intern or something like that. Maybe she’s doing volunteer work there. I would like to do that some time. If they could use me. I’m not quite ready yet, but it’s on my list.

Oh, yes. On my list is also: going to the cinema. The theater. The movies. That’s my homework from the therapy session. I bet all you schoolkids wish that you got homework like that, eh? I have to go watch a movie. I haven’t been to the movies since I was 9-10 I think. And I have never gone alone. The first time I was supposed to watch a movie on my own was the last time I went to a cinema. My dad dropped me off. And I went in alone. But I was so scared. I remember being terrified that I would get lost when the movie was over. Because the exits of the theater lead out to some road around the block. You didn’t leave the same place you came in. So I was scared that I would get out and I wouldn’t be able to find my dad. He was supposed to pick me up afterwards. Abandonment issues. I lasted maybe 5 minutes then I ran out into the foyer. My dad was still there. Since then I haven’t even tried going to the movies.

I’m not feeling too bad about it now though. I’m pretty sure I can do it with no greater problems. Some nervousness, but I can do it. Maybe it will even be nice. I have to check what movies are running. Hope there will be something nice.

I should ask my therapist if they could pay for it. As part of the therapy. Free movies! Haha. Nah. Maybe they’ll spring for some popcorn.

Today has been a very nice day. Holiday. That’s always good. It means the playground is closed though. But I had a good time with my TV. The Danish soccer cup final was today. And my beloved Brøndby won the cup. It was a great, dramatic game. I am well pleased of course. We stand a good chance of winning the double now. Since we’re 4 points clear in the league with something like 8 games to go. It’s been a tough year though. We lead by 16 points at winter break. So we have lost 12 points to the closest rivals. I hope we’ll take the title though. You can’t squander a 16 point lead, you just can’t.

I will try to keep the sports commentary to a minimum. Brøndby are very important to me though. When I was in my deepest depression they were one of the few things that kept me going. It seems very silly now but I have actually had thought processes like “Okay, I’m going to kill myself. Any reason why I shouldn’t kill myself? Well, Brøndby are going to play in the Champions League next season. I can’t miss that”. So basically I would have been dead if Brøndby hadn’t been such a succesful team.

Or maybe not. But you never know. I still get upset if they lose, but I don’t start planning suicide. It’s another way my life has improved. My life is richer, my days are fuller. I’m not dependent on a sports team to give me some few moments of happiness. I have things to live for. Hope for the future. When I was talking to my therapist about the resources I had, my motivation and realistic hope for the future was one of them. Along with the playground of course. That’s a major resource for me.

Can I count Lost as a resource? I’m really loving that show. I think it just might be my favourite show ever. Dramatic show, anyway. I can’t wait for the last episodes of season one. I’m psyched. I actually go to bed Wednesday evening thinking “oh boy, the new Lost episode will be up tomorrow”. I want the DVDs too. The first season isn’t even over and I’m already wanting to buy the box set. I have a feeling it will probably be too expensive for me though. Blast! Maybe I can buy it used. Or wait till the price drops. Although that would be torture. Why can’t money just grow on trees?

– Because then the goats would eat it, obviously.

But I have been going on long enough I think. When I started here in my new blog home there were a few complaints. About the lack of dancing monkeys. And dancing Calvin & Hobbes. I have brought them back now. But they’re hidden. Rather cleverly, if I may say so myself. Can you find them? The first one to find them will get everlasting fame, in some little way.

Happy hunting!

Listening: Eels – I Need Some Sleep

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 5th, 2005 at 21:12 and is filed under Blogging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.