Nuts
I propose a new Voight-Kampff test. Make the subject look at Twitter and if they don’t start tearing their hair out and shaking their fist at the sky then clearly they are an android and/or an alien wearing a human skin suit.
2/10 2017
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Every minute I’m awake I think about dreaming, and every minute I’m sleeping I dream about living.
2/10 2017
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If any of you are time travellers who have come back to prevent me from doing something horrible that will cause great destruction to the human (or other) race then then please just tell me now. I won’t be weird about it, I’ll just not do the thing, whatever it is. I swear. Just send me a PM.
2/10 2017
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You know when Vulcans do the mind meld thing? They go “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts”.
Why do they say that in English? Wouldn’t they be saying that in Vulcan? I’m watching the new Star Trek Discovery show and they have tons of dialogue in Klingon. But then there’s a mindmeld and the Vulcan speaks English. What is up with that?
is another latenight quality post from me.
2/10 2017
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2/10 2017
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Your Uicorn Name is:
The first name of your first unicorn and the second name of your last unicorn.
2/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. Totally mellow and calm. Let’s just flow our boats gently down the stream.
2/10 2017
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Don’t know what to say. I was out with the goats, and on my way home I was thinking about what I would write on Facebook. I was going to start with “Good goat times today” as I usually do. Then I was going to talk about how it was cold and rainy and dark and how depressing it is to go out in that weather. How the fences are all down and the goat pen is full of mud and horse droppings. How the goats would barely come out, so most of the time I sat inside with them. How I was feeling sad, but Mia still made me smile when she came up and started nibbling on my ear and I could feel her whiskers tickling the inside of my ear. And I already knew how to end the post. I was going to say that I felt sad and tired and that it felt like the whole world was filling up with mud and horseshit. And then I came home and turned on the TV and saw footage from Las Vegas. And what do you say? I don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to be a part of this world, I really don’t. I want it all to end. Now don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I’ll be fine. Life goes on, until it gets you. I’m just sick and tired and everything is horseshit and all I see is darkness. I hope my friends are all okay. Mentally, physically. Thoughts and prayers to the victims. Thoughts and prayers to the families of the victims. Thoughts and prayers for the family of the shooter. How many thoughts and prayers will it take to make this stop? To change things? Say when. Say motherfucking when.
2/10 2017
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The medication is wearing off. Gonna hurt. Not a little, a lot.
2/10 2017
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hold on
2/10 2017
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Oh Yogi. Dear, sweet A38. She wanted to come in and join us. But still too scared of the big whites to be in the same room with them. A couple of hooves was as far as she got inside.
2/10 2017
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I am going to go dream myself out of this world and into the next. Don’t wait up, this might be a long dream.
Oh and by the way, when I said I wasn’t going to do anything stupid? Don’t worry, I’m still going to do lots of stupid things. Stupid, silly things. I haven’t even broken a rib in months, I’ll be fine. I kinda feel bad that.. you guys worry about me. Haha. Don’t worry about me. I’m a hashtag blessed guy in the fairy tale land of Denmarkia with easy access to goats and pizza. I may be mentally unstable and physically unfit to quality for human-status and also I may keep biting the cut on the inside of my lip every time it has almost healed up but… what was my point again? I love you guys. When all I see is darkness I know I can reach out my hand and there will be a sea of oustretched arms there to grab onto me and guide me back to the light. And I don’t need to take a Facebox quiz to realise that I am hashtag more blessed than 99% of people on Earth. Apart from the blindness, the diabeetus, the phobia, the fat, the depression. No wait. I am hashtag blessed. Also I could probably win a olympic gold medal in rambling and using more words than what was strictly necessary to get a point across PS spellcheck is for losers.
So yes. Thank you all. I hope some of my stupidness or the goatness bring some light in your world. That would make me happy, to feel I’m giving just a little back.
A positive mind. A mellow mind. A melded mind with my friends. The mind’s eye open, the truth apparent and justified.
You beautiful people.
< 3 ALL
2/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. Just because you say it doesn’t mean it will come true. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it. I hope you all have a good day.
3/10 2017
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I forgot to post this picture that Lisa took while she was visiting. And by forgot I mean that I didn’t like the way I look so I didn’t post it. But I like the sweetness, so here it is.
3/10 2017
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Have I mentioned that I love you guys? I know i’m needy and dramatic and scatterbrained and spend half the time dreaming or being stupid and I know even this status is now degrading into selfserving meandering platitudes. Also, pizza am I right? But I do really appreciate knowing so many wonderful people. When my crazy scientist evil twin invents a cure for social phobia I will wrestle him to the ground and take it from him (I mean, he’s my evil twin. He wouldn’t just give it to me) and then I would spend my life savings to come visit you all. And I really do actually honestly mean that. If you know me you know that I’d rather spend my money making myself and others happy than have a fat bank account. I’d rather be poor and have met you all than be rich and have not. That is the honest truth. If my brain wasn’t a dick I’d be flying out tomorrow. So, I hope you know I appreciate you. I’m not good at humaning so I don’t know if it comes across . But I do.
3/10 2017
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That thing when the thumbnail makes you laugh.
3/10 2017
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When it’s muddy out, Grandma’s name is NO
3/10 2017
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How freaked out do you think Betty White is every time a loved celebrity dies and social media gets flooded with people saying to check on her and protect her? She must be looking over her shoulder constantly.
4/10 2017
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True beauty comes from within. But A38 would still be gorgeous even if she were a jackass.
She’s almost too beautiful to be so sweet and polite as she is.
4/10 2017
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I’d like to officially announce that I unfortunately have to withdraw my support for the Hamburglar, as I just realised that he is not a vegetarian and therefore in my humbe opinion not qualified to hold office. I hope you will all respect my privacy in this matter and I will be answering no further questions about this subject, m’lud.
4/10 2017
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My brain can’t decide if it wants to laugh or cry. I think it may be defective. I might amazon prime a replacement. They can drone it to me and it can fly the drone itself. That brain would be very high. In the sky. No more words just you
4/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. Happy hump day, guys.
4/10 2017
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Mia, you missed #TongueOutTuesday
4/10 2017
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You know the kid in The Sixth Sense who goes “I see dead people”? That’s kinda like me. Only I go “I see live people”. But trust me, for me that’s just as scary.
4/10 2017
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Well, I’m going to call it a night. Even though it’s not night yet. But you know me. I love to label things. That’s why I put a big label saying “labelmaker” on myself.
I had this giant rant bubbling in my head. About how sad it is that the NRA owns America so hard. About why the US would vote against banning the death penalty being used in ‘discriminatory manner’, ie for homosexuality. As far as I can see by the lamestream fake news article the US was the only Western country that voted against it. About the Trump kids felonies. About Tillerson calling Donny a moron. About whether it’s natural for human to eat animals.
And I think there were some other things too. But that’s all I remember now, and I guess the cliff notes version will do. Eeryone who reads this has alreay made up their own minds about which set of facts are the real news and which are the fake news. What are the true facts and what are the alternative facts. Is Jimmy Kimmel a human being moved by a mass murder or is he paid by democrats to cry crocodile tears to manipulate the snowflakes
Oh yeah part of the ran was about talkshow hosts having to start their shows talking about mass shootings. Over and over. Round and round it goes. Ten shots for a dollar. Hit the ball in the mouth of the clown and knock down the cans. Drain the swamp and let the circus freaks inherit sewage. Spend millions of dollars on golf trips and blame Puerto Rico for ruining the budget. Ban trans people from the military even though viagra costs the military more than the trans people. Money money money makes the world go round. Or stops. Or whatever the rich people want. We are the dollars and cents and the pounds and the pence and the mark and the yen and we’re gonna crack your little skulls. Rock it, man. Lambs to the slaughter, seagulls divebombing horseshit everywhere. We’re gonna need more paper towels.
It’s almost funny watching Trump go on and on about fake news. “Boy the fake news are really out of control, eh guys? Boy howdy. Crazy, huh?”. It’s tlike the weatherman who started the day by promising sunshine and then as the day starts to draw to an end you cut to him standing in shorts in a snowstorm screaming to be heard over the wind “FUCKING HELL I CANT BELIEVE HOW WARM AND SUNNY IT IS. RIGHT, GUYS? YOU’RE ALL WITH ME. SO SUNNY. THE BEst sun. An ocean of sun”. No yeah. All the constant bad stories about you are just fake news. You’re Superman and Lex Luthor bought up all the media. Stupid sore losers should just accept that you won the popular and electoral vote and that Puerto Rico is the world’s most remote island and that there’s no discernible differenve between the coast guard, the navy, the airforce and the traffic wardens. All those bankrupcies never happened and Billy Bush is a ventriloquist and voiced both parts of the pussy conversation. And your kids didn’t kill those endangered animals, they were just stunned and after the photo op they got up and ran away and are now living happily at a farm two states over. You didn’t dodge the draft you were doing secret undercover service in the war against the Martians. You haven’t heard about the war against Mars? THAT’S BECAUSE WE WON IT AND COVERED IT UP SO YOU GUYS COULD SLEEP AT NIGHT. You think Rocket Man is bad, you should have seen Rocket Martian. Bad hombre I tell you what. I’m pretty sure you’re the only white guy that ever made it as far as Puerto Rico. Very few people dare to sail the big oceans filled with sea serpents and whirlpools. There goes our hero. Bravely fighting against the evil journalists who refuse to kneel for christ and who refuse to stand for the anthem and who refuse to say christmas and who refuse to aknowledge that your daughter is a hot piece of ass and who tricked all your staff to use private emails and who photoshopped your entire family into Putin’s christms card photo lock them up lock them up lock them up.
Well whaddaya know. I guess it turned into another rant anyway. If you’re wondering why I’m so obsessed with America it’s because I love America and many of my best friends are Americans and also I ‘m against mass murders and corruption, I know that’s a controversial and divisive tweet. Don’t worry, I’ll just delete it if I’m proven wrong. The winner gets to write history and the loser gets to delete the tweets and pretend he was on the right side all along. By all means. Elect the guy who thinks homosexuality is the same as bestiality. Maybe he can get hte death penalty reinstated for both. Hangman’s fake noose game, tick tock you sank my battleship.
My brain still can’t decide if it’s happy or sad. I try to distract it with shiny things. No wooden nickels. Just shiny pennies from heaven. Goat smiles and pizza slices. Whatever it takes. This world is a merry go round but it’s not really that merry, is it? At least we can take comfort in the one thing we know for sure. Nothing is ever going to change. 50 years from now you’ll be eating meat sandwichs and your kids will be gunned down in school. But don’t worry. They’ll be safe when they’re at home where you have your own guns. Let’s just hope they don’t grow up to beocme one of the shooters. But you’d know. Of course you would. What parents wouldn’t know that their children were growing up to be the bad guys with the guns? If there’s one thing we’ve learned from these shootings it’s that people always see it coming. As the neighbours always say live on TV “I could tell by how completely normal and average he was that he was a ticking time bomb just waiting to slaughter the lambs”. Here’s a sandwich. Here’s a church, here’s the steeple. The great thing about liars is that they always tell the truth, as long as you want to believe it strongly enough. If you do enough research you’ll sooner or later find the evidence for that thing you knew were the truth all along. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean it isn’t a giant conspiracy against everything you believe in and hold dear. I’ll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches.
Sorry. The cynicism is overwhelming. I’ll go dream. Maybe tomorrow everything will have changed.
4/10 2017
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Today will be a good day Today will be a good day Today will be a good day Today w
5/10 2017
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I didn’t make it out of bed this morning. Overwhelmed by hopelessness. And coughing. I thought I was getting sick. I’m feeling fine now. Maybe it was just an insectfrog stuck in my throat. I don’t know. I had beautiful dreams. Beautiful and sad. Someone died i my dreams. I can’t remember who. Maybe it was me. They fell of a roof. It was very sad. I feel like my heart and body is broken, maybe I fell off a roof. Nah, I’m fine. I’ll try and keep it mellow today.
5/10 2017
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Be the Yogi
5/10 2017
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Also be the Mia and Mio
5/10 2017
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This pizza makes a lot of good points. I have some counterpoints though *eats the pizza*
I love a good debate.
5/10 2017
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All of us goat content creators should get together and make a Goat App and put all our content exclusively on that and make the big bucks. There’s Hulu. There’s Netflix. There’s CBS All Access with Star Trek. And there’s GoatFlix. Goatulu? Goat All Access.
Thank me later when we’re rich.
5/10 2017
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I am still far behind with the goatlogs. But here, finally, is Lisa’s first visit.
6/10 2017
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I feel it should be noted that it’s currently 3:54 am and I am sound asleep in my bed. So whoever is posting this is clearly an imposter and should not be trusted. If I ask you for your credit card number or the password to your email account do not answer me. It’s a trap. The good Lasse is in the dream lodge and he can’t leave. Write it on your Facebook.
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Lasse, your friends have loved your posts 33,000 times!
We’re glad that you’re sharing your life with
the people you care about on Facebook.
6/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. You can do this.
6/10 2017
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Also, happy #FlashbackFriday. Here’s Bruce and a human. And someone in the background…
6/10 2017
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Good goat times today. Glad I made it out. It was a lovely, sunny morning. But I was out pretty early so it was quite cold. The sun kept shining though and eventually it became a beautiful day.
Lots of goat wrangling. Since I was there early I had to get the goats out. I took Mia and Mio the court year area out front for a bit. But I couldn’t find Mia’s collar (she hasn’t worn her collar in many months now, but I’m pretty sure I saw it lying inside at some point). So I could only have Mio on a leash and I didn’t feel comfortable having all 3 goats out like that. And I didn’t want to leave A38 all alone for too long. So, soon enough I t wrangled the great whites back inside and then out through the mudslides. You can imagine how thrilled they were with that. There was a guy working on the fence. He was clipping the wire mesh and removing it. I guess they’re redoing the fences. But that left a gaping hole and when Mia figured that out she was out like a fox that spots an open door to the hen house. I am too polite to mention the reason why Mio did not follow her. But it rhymes with “big round deli”. So then I wrangled Mia for a while, trying to get her back in. And just when I almost had her… Mio came walking out the front door. A girl who helps with the animals had arrived and wanted to take them to the alt pen across the path. Alritey then. Silly goaties were not happy about the trek. Even though it’s a short trek to a pen that’s full of grass and trees and bushes with lots of greens. Away from the pen and pasture that’s now just one big fart of mud and horse manure. They just don’t like new, unfamiliar things and places. Especially grandma. After a long while we go them in there. And they started eating greens. Then the girl (I forget her name, but she’s very nice. We’ve talked before briefly) went to get the horses. And of course Mio managed to slip out the gate after one of the horses was let in. Zoom for the hills. So the girl goes to try to get Mio. But Mio is not easily handled. She’s strong like an ox. Meanwhile I’m trying to keep Mia in the pen. The problem with that alternative pen is that the fences aren’t quite high enough and they’re built in a way that gives Mia a few spots where she can make the jump across. Oh dear. So I knew that the second I’d go help to bring Mio back, Mia would jump out. And eventually she did jump out. So then I went to get Mio back. I can sort of handle her. And I got her back in the pen. And the girl got Mia back eventually. Phew. And then everyone was in the pen with the greens and everyone was happy. Until it was time for me to leave. I knew that would be tough. With the goats already on edge because of the new surroundings. I had to wait until Mia was some distance away and distracted. And then I literally had to half sneak and half run away. Heading up to the regular pen where I’d left my backpack. And then walking across the horse pasture to stay out of sight. But of course, I had to walk all the way around and sneak back to check on Mia. To make sure she hadn’t jumped the fence to follow me. It was a little heartbreaking. I could hear her running around in the new pen looking for me, bleating her heart out. It was like a kid who got seperated from her parents in a big mall and was sure she was now lost forever. Such anguish. Daggers in my heart. Poor Mia. I feel so bad for doing that to her every time. It almost makes me think she’d be better off if I didn’t come visit, but I know that’s silly. Parting is so loud sorrow.
6/10 2017
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Where’s Yogi? Might be hard to spot due to the low quality photo. But she found herself a nice spot in the sun.
6/10 2017
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#FakeTruth
6/10 2017
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Mia watching the fence work. Probably already cooking up her escape plan.
6/10 2017
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“IRS awards $7.25 million fraud-prevention contract to Equifax”
See, the system works!
Meanwhile, I’m happy to announce that the IRS has awarded me a couple of million to prevent the eating of pizzas.
6/10 2017
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I’m going to go sit on the roof and howl at the moon. Werefore art thou, werewolf?
6/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. Be the good.
7/10 2017
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Goatlog, from Lisa’s second day visiting. It was almost like summer ended between her two visits. First day was nice and sunny. Second day the rain set in. Also, vegemite.
7/10 2017
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Mia and Mio in the alternate pen. Where everything is still green. It’s like a frikken paradise in there, and yet they’d still rather escape back to the comfort of the mudslide they know. They did enjoy the greens, though.
7/10 2017
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Think happy goats. Look at that face. And that blue sky. More of that, please.
7/10 2017
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You guys really dodged a bullet. I went to bed last night with a million thoughts in my head. It would have made a great ramble. My memory is so bad I wouldn’t even be able to recreate it now. For once it wasn’t divisive and political. Well, maybe a little divisive. It was about life and death and the afterlife and the meaning of life and non existence and the inherent selfishness of humans and things like that. It was almost like having a debate in my own head. When you ask yourself questions that you don’t have the answers to.
But I DID manage to deduce that the meaning of life is definitely [crackling statich and your computer spontaneously reboots]
7/10 2017
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When you have survived the simplest of basic human interactions.
link: Twin Peaks Mr C video
7/10 2017
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Today will be a good day. Happy Funday, guys.
8/10 2017
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“This is not okay. THIS IS NOT OKAY!”
There goes the neigh-bourhood.
8/10 2017
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Oh hey, the nazis are back. But let’s all focus on getting the overpaid athletes to stand and respect the flag. Or both flags. We gotta respect the confederate one too, right? I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I feel very strongly about it *shakes fist at sky, then at ground then at scary teenagers walking by on the other side of the road*
I’m very offended by this. And also very offended by the people who are too easily offended by the things I deem not to be offensive. Also celebs should shut up about politics, unless I agree with them. Or they’re running for senate. Or president.
Did I fix the world yet? Say when.
link: White nationalists return
8/10 2017
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goatlog
8/10 2017
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Always look on the goat side of life
8/10 2017
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“I stare at my reflection to the bone. Blurred eyes look back at me, full of blame and sympathy. So so close. With Right roads not taken, the future’s forsaken and dropped like a fossil or stone. Now it’s gone, gone. And I am who I am. Who I was I will never come again”
8/10 2017
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I think one of the greatest terms I’ve come up with is ‘pizza’. I guess other people have used it, perhaps, over the years. But I never noticed it.
8/10 2017
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32% approval rating. Man, Nickelback hits a new low. Sad!
8/10 2017
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Tis the season where I set the space heater to actually heat space instead of just blow cold air around. Sigh. Soon I’ll probably have to start wearing my thermo underwear when I go out. It sucks because then I can barely feel it when girls grab my tush on the bus.
It’s a joke. But when you’re a scruffy looking goat herder you let them do that.
8/10 2017
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I for one applaud Mike Pence for walking out of the game when the players were kneeling. I’m not sure why he was carrying that tiki torch, though.
Too much?
There are no morals anymore. Only fake outrage. Falling snowflakes and ashes from the volcano. Fire and brimstone and nuclear winter. Abortions for the mistresses and book deals for the ex wives. Casting couches for the interns. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Why don’t you come and see me some time. Don’t worry. It’s just the quiet before the storm. In between the hurricanes. I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
8/10 2017
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How am I doing? Thanks for asking. I don’t know. It’s been about a week since I lowered the dose of my meds. I am not sure if it has really helped any. But then. With everything that’s going on. Las Vegas. Politics. Everything. I don’t want to be a person that doesn’t get sad and frustrated about that stuff. So maybe it’s fine. Maybe this is fine, like the cartoon dog says. In any case, I’m enjoying my new job as a political commentator and I think I look good in this suit. Pass the nuts.
8/10 2017
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End of Facebook. Go go goat photos.
That’s all for this week, see you in the next one.