Nothing is everything.
15/10 2017
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I have some very bad news everyone. I hate having to write this. Our dear, sweet A38 / Yogi is no longer with us. She passed away this morning, aided by the vet.
I know this will come as a shock to everyone. Unfortunately her condition had been steadily deteriorating for quite a while. Many people have noticed her leg problems. The vet had not been able to find a cause and painkillers hadn’t changed anything either. Some of you may also have noticed that in most videos now she was sitting down. Even when I was feeding her. It was getting harder and harder for her to get up. At the end she spent almost all her time sitting down. When I first met her she’d wolf down as many bananas as I could bring, now she would often only eat half of one. Leaving leftovers is never a good sign. She’d still snarf down as many raisins and peanuts as I would give her, but her appetite for other things was not the same. I’d been trying not to show it in my videos, trying to keep an illusion of everything being okay. But her quality of life was just decreasing. She was very different from when we came here last year. And the decision was made to give her peace. This was not my decision. If it had been up to me I would have probably wanted to selfishly keep her around. I don’t know that I could have let go. But it wasn’t up to me. I often hear people say that I’m some kind of goat expert because I spend so much time with them. But I’m really not. I’m pretty good at hanging out with them and giving them treats. But when it comes to health and care there are other people who are more in charge of that side of things and are more experienced with it. I have to trust that they have made the decision that was best for A38. I still don’t know how old she was exactly. As I always say when people ask me, all I have heard is that she’s ‘ancient’ and that she’s outlived all her friends who have died of old age. Today Anne said “I can’t believe she was the one who ended up living the longest”. Anne remembered A38 from when she was young and started coming to the playground. She has known A38 for many more years than I have. And she seems like a compassionate young lady. A couple of months ago she told me that she was glad that we’d been able to give A38 one last, good summer. But that she didn’t want to make her have to go through another hard winter. That was the first time I heard of the thought of A38 not being with us anymore. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, I thought there’d still be a chance for things to get better. But I have to believe that Anne, who has known A38 for so long and only wants the best for her, is right that this was the most compassionate thing to do. Even though it hurts. I know it’s going to hurt some of you guys a lot too. But what’s best for A38 is what is most important. I have to trust that the vet and Anne and the others have made the right call on this.
I’ve known for a couple of days that it was going to happen for real. I didn’t know what to do. How to handle it. I didn’t know if I should tell you all immediately so you could… I don’t know, make the most of the last days too? But I guess, again selfishly, that I didn’t want to face it. I wanted to delay it as long as possible. I wanted A38 to bring people happiness until the very end. It’s been a strange couple of days, pretending everything was okay. Posting pictures and videos of her in the goat groups. Trying to maximise the positivity for others before things were going to change. I don’t know if this was the right way to handle it or not. Maybe not. If not then I do apologise. I am sorry if you feel like I have misled you. I didn’t want to face it until I absolutely had to. This morning I went out real early. It was still dark as I walked to the playground. Making the walk along the highway kind of nervewracking. Listening to my audiobook. Pretending it was just a normal goat day. Trying to avoid bikes coming at me in the dark. When I got there I let Mousy out. Then I gave Mia and Mio their breakfast. And then I let A38 out and spent her last hours with her. The first hour or so it was just the two of us. I had brought a watermelon for her, but unfortunately it turned out to have gone a little off. So she didn’t get too much of that. (I scooped out the bad parts and gave the rinds to Mia and Mio). But she got lots of other good stuff. Cherry tomatoes and bananas and lots and lots of peanuts and raisins. As much as she wanted pretty much. She went outside and walked around a little. Limped around, really. Never staying out too long before she went back to her stall, where she feels most comfortable. After about an hour people started arriving. It’s autumn holiday in Denmark this week so there was a bunch of girls too. Anne brought her own supply of treats. A38 spent the last hours of her life being well loved and very well fed. It was painful. For me. Not for her. I gave her lots of cuddles and all the treats she wanted. She walked around freely when she wanted. A couple of times she walked by Mia and Mio’s stall and looked in. They were of course a little miffed that I wasn’t paying attention to them so much. But Mia wasn’t hollering like she often does when she wants my attention. More kind of little mewls. I’d give them some treats every now and then too. But it was A38’s morning.
I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it when the vet showed up. In the end I decided, again selfishly, that I couldn’t handle being there when it was actually done. There were several people there, Alice and the vet and the young girls. To take care of her and help make her comfortable in her last moments. I couldn’t handle it. I also didn’t want Mia and Mio to be there for it. They were still in their stall, which is right next to A38’s. They could pretty much look in to see it all. So I went and let them out and took them down to the other pen. Leaving A38 behind. I’m sorry, girl. I hope you will forgive me.
I spent some time with the big girls in the other pen. And then went back up to the stalls. I guess I just had to have that last bit of closure. I stroked her still body once and told her I was sorry. And went home.
I feel numb now. It hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I’m sure the floodgates will open soon enough. The world has just been so horrible lately. At least she’s at peace now. I hope that’s for the best. In a better place. This is the worst part of loving animals. I know you know, if you do. In 2015 it was Kamel. In 2016 it was Palle. In 2017 it was A38. And that’s not counting all the babies I’ve had to say goodbye to in those years too. And all the ones before. It sucks. So much. I hope I’ll meet them all again some day. I hope A38 and Kamel have met by now. They were so much alike. A38 was everyone’s favourite, just like Kamel. The underdogs. Both of them so sweet and gentle goats. Happy, funny, food-loving babies. And she was so pretty, A38. Those colours. The way she’d chew her water. The tongue flapping every time I’d give her treats. Her leg poking out when I scratched her just right. I only knew her for just over a year, but of course I fell in love with her, like everyone did. Probably the prettiest goat I’ve ever known. That cute “Selma from Night Court” gruff voice. Her pet rocks. Where’s Yogi? In heaven, or whatever the good goat place is called.
I know you’ll all be sad, but I hope you’ll send her some positive thoughts. I hope she knew how loved she was. If she felt just a fraction of it then she must have felt blessed. I have loved sharing her with you, and I am so sorry I have to share this with you too. And again, I am so sorry if I did not handle it well. As many of you know, I often have a hard time relating to and with humans. The goats are like my family. I spend more time with them than I do with pretty much any humans. I wish I could bleat after her until she came back.
Sorry for the ramble. I’m sure you’ll understand, though. All the thoughts are mumbled and jumbled and streaming out like blood from the veins. I wanted to pay proper tribute to her. And to thank you all. On my own page and on Mia’s. One of the reasons why I wanted to postpone the inevitable was that I know how much the goats mean to some of you guys too. Especially A38. I know my heart isn’t the only one breaking over this. I almost wanted to not tell you how it really happened. To pretend she just passed in her sleep at night so I didn’t have to talk about the hard parts. Or maybe just keep recycling old photos and pretend she was still alive. But you know. That would not do her justice. Death is part of life and life is part of death. I had only known her for a fairly short time compared to some of my other goat friends over the years, but her life was a big part of my life and her death is important and heartbreaking and it has to be. Some things still have to mean something.
Sorry, everyone. Sorry, A38. Thank you al for being part of my life and the goats’ lives.
See you some day on the endless grass under the sun, Yogi.

16/10 2017
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I am heading to bed. Off to dreamland. Hope to see Yogi there. Probably not tonight already. I am sure she’s busy getting acquainted with all her new friends beyond. I bet they’re dishing the dirt on me as we speak. I wonder if she’ll get along with Mads. Mads was maybe my first real close goat friend, and the only other pygmy I have ever met. He looked quite a bit like Yogi, only without the spectacular extra colours. I also had to say goodbye to him due to leg problems. He had a tumor somewhere under his leg that couldn’t be helped and was barely able to walk in the end. I also spent his last hours with him. Many years ago now, probably long before most of you got to know me. I hope they’re both running painfree where they are now.
Just two things I wanted to say before I turn in. 1) Thank you to you all. I am not surprised, you are always there when I need it. Not that I take it for granted. But it means a lot to me to know that I will get all the support and sympathy I could wish for on bad days. If I sometime in the future have to look back at all my worst days then most of them will be days when I have lost goat friends. Never stops hurting. Thank you all for being there. You have helped me on a bad day.
And 2) I just wanted to say that it saddened me to scroll down my newsfeed and seeing all the #MeToo posts. As a privileged white male it’s too easy, and comfortable, to not realise how common it is. It’s a real eye opener. I only hope some day in the future this is going to be one of those things people look back on and think “I can’t believe that’s how it was back then”. I hope your daughters and sons will grow up in a world where a lot less people will have to say They Too.
And now off to dreamland. I always think of Pyramid Song on days like this.
A moon full of stars and astral cars
And all the figures I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
16/10 2017
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I hope your today will be a good today. Thank you for all the kindness and love.
17/10 2017
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Time to eat my feelings, with extra cheese.
17/10 2017
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updated his profile picture.
Always loved

17/10 2017
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I hope your today will be a good today. Happy hump day, guys.

18/10 2017
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Here are some shots from A38’s last day. I didn’t know if I should post them or not. But I guess it’s what I do.

18/10 2017
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And here’s the only one I took of us together. I didn’t want to bother her with constant selfie taking. Didn’t turn out so great, but it’s our last together.

18/10 2017
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Not feeling so swell. Not just mentally I mean, but physically as well. Feeling a little dizzy and there’s a little scratch in my throat. I don’t know if it’s just the sadness doing a number on my body. Or if I’m getting sick. When we were tending to A38, Anne said that she had caught something from her mother who was coughing. Maybe I caught it too. Or maybe it’s just the mention of catching something that convinced my brain that I caught it. Just because you’re a hypochondriac doesn’t mean you’re not getting sick. We’ll see. I’m going to go lie in my bed for a long time now. Thank you all again, for everything. I’m sure you’ll understand if my Faceboxing is a little erratic right now. I’m receiving an avalanche of sympathy and I’m so greatful for it all. Just another wonderful thing that the goats have led me to. You guyses.
See you all tomorrow, and please apply purell if you clicked my emoji buttons.
18/10 2017
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I hope our today will be a good today.
19/10 2017
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Good goat times today. I am glad I made it out. Felt mostly like staying in bed. But had to go check on the girls. And I know spending time with them is the only thing that’ll make me feel better anyway. Goat therapy should be part of your universal health care plan hashtag socialism.
So good to see Mia and Mio again. But it’s always strange at first after you’ve lost one. All you can see is that which is no longer there. Almost everything is the same but everything is completely different. Sigh.
But the girls were doing fine. I took them out and walked around with them, no leash or anything. In a way it reminded me of the days after Palle’s death. Just me and the girls and a strange new world. The physical world is different too because most of the fences are down now. I hope they get it all fixed soon. But it was nice walking around with the girls. At first I walked down towards the alt pen to see if they’d follow. Nope. They don’t like walking that way. It’s getting muddier down there and the grass is wet. And also there’s the path they can see from their pen usually, where people walk their dogs all the time. I think maybe Mia and Mio see that place as a little dangerous. Here be dragondogs.
But that’s fine. We went back the other way and spent some time in the playgroudn courtyard area. The grass isn’t fresh enough to eat anymore. There are still some leaves and bushes around, but not really enough to get the goaties all excited. It was good to just sit with them and get goat crowded. Mia diving in for smooches and then grandma coming in like a battering ram, shoving Mia out of the way so she Mio could have the cuddles all ot herself. She’s a little greedy sometimes. Okay, all times.
Lots of cuddles and treats for them. Gotta spoil them every second that you can. You never know how many you’ll have.
19/10 2017
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Out and about, goatseeing. Don’t forget to stop by the giftshop on your way out.

19/10 2017
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We’ll keep your rocks safe, Yogi.

19/10 2017
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Fall colours are coming in

19/10 2017
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Heading off to dreamland. I’m starting to feel a little more like myself, whoever that is. The worst shellshock has passed, but the sadness remains. That’s how it’s supposed to be, though. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Can’t trivialize the loss of something that mattered to you.
Once again, thank you to everyone who has reached out and been there the past few days. There has been such an outpouring of love. And my brain has been pretty Arzted. So I’ve mostly just been clicking the Love button, but you can be assured that I mean the love. Also fun blind fact: I can’t see which emoji I click on. So I may have clicked Haha or Angry on someone’s comment saying “I am sorry for your loss, Lasse”. Just in case I have reacted oddly to your comments. It would just be misclicks, nothing personal. Except for that ONE comment.. (always leave them guessing)
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So yes. See you tomorrow, or sooner if you come dreamwalking with me. Just follow the trail of pizza crumbs. Somewhere over the rainbow you’ll find me. In vivid colours playing with goats.
19/10 2017
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Okay, maybe still a little shellshocked. I hope your today will be a good today. Happy FlashbackFriday, guys. Here’s Fuzzy.

20/10 2017
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I think I need a double dose of Fuzzy to get through the day. I still remember him under that red sun.

20/10 2017
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I think I may take a stroll outside and see if I can get hit by that meteor shower I keep hearing about.
20/10 2017
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It doesn’t seem to me that this is the most comfortable place to sit. But at least it’s not muddy.

20/10 2017
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My name is Kierkegaard and my writing is impeccable
Check out my teleological suspension of the ethical
#TheGoodPlace
20/10 2017
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I just moved the curtain and peeked out into the real world. Looks like everything is still horrible and nothing still matters. I’ll be in my bunker with my memories. Don’t call unless you really need me. And if you really need me… I probably won’t pick up anyway.
20/10 2017
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Think happy thoughts. Or sad thoughts about beautiful things.

20/10 2017
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I hope you guys got your bets in for the “How many cheese sticks can Lasse eat before he barfs” competition. Eating your feelings takes dedication and hard work. If you’re doing it right.
20/10 2017
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PS. you’re beautiful
21/10 2017
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I hope your today will be a good today. Face the fall and when the days they seem to fall through you, well just let them go.

21/10 2017
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fine at dinner
21/10 2017
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I hope your today will be a good today. Happy Funday, guys.

22/10 2017
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I woke up last night because someone said my name. I thought. There was no one there. Alone in my apartment. Ghosts? Dreamescapers? Another reality bleeding into this one? I guess we’ll never know. Tune in soon for another episode of The Haunting Of Lasse Linno Henriksburger.
22/10 2017
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Waiter? Yes, I’ll have one of everything. And all the desserts.

22/10 2017
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End of Facebook, go go goat photos.

That’s all for this week.

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