Black In And Out
Happy Mio Monday everyone. I hope it’s a good one.
10/4 2023
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What the cluck was that?!
Now imagine the chicken noise replaced by a fart and youd have a comedy gold clip
10/4 2023
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Milo sees his own shadow, I hope that means 5 more months of summer.
10/4 2023
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HappY Yogi daY everyone. I hope it’s a good one.
11/4 2023
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Good goat times today. Easter vacation is over, it was good to see Jeanette again. And the goats of course. And the sun. The forecast had said heavy rain, but thankfully that all passed early in the morning before I got out. Mostly sun while I was out goating, so that was lovely. I could have worn my spring jacket. I think it’s time to dust it off soon.
We had a sweet group of daycare kids visiting. Jeanette brought some carrot sticks for them to give to the goats and everyone had a good time. Especially Milo who was loving the carrots, practically knocking Jeanette over when she had them and then jumping up against the fence when the kids were handing them out. He’s a glutton!
On the downside, my back was absolutely wrecked when I was walking home. In horrible pain. Back to the doctor soon.
Right now I need a power nap and some soup.
11/4 2023
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We got a crowd, and Milo’s got his eyes on the prize.
11/4 2023
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Yeah, Milo wants those carrots.
11/4 2023
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Happy Hump Day everyone. I hope it’s a good one.
12/4 2023
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goatlog
12/4 2023
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We got some grass turf for the mountain. I think Jeanette brought it, not sure if it’s from her place or not. Now that spring is slowly starting i think it must be time to sow grass on the mountain. It would be nice to have it all covered in grass.
12/4 2023
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I hope today will be a good one. Here is Large from 2013.
13/4 2023
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Had my physical therapy appointment today. It did not go as I expected. Last time we had sort of talked about how the therapist didn’t think he could do much more for us and I was expecting today that we would write up a sort of final status and he’d refer me back to my doctor for further examination.
Instead, we tried something novel. Physical therapy. Wtih actualy physical therapy. He showed me exercises and printed out stuff for me. And I got one of those exercise rubber band things. So I guess now I actually have to do some physical stuff. And we’ll see if that helps my muscles and joints and makes my body stronger. Here’s to hoping.
I feel a bit like the last 2½ months have been kind of a waste, since I haven’t really gotten anything out of the pt. But I know it’s partially my own fault for not communicating well and all. To be honest I have just been so mentally broked that I’m just sort of… treading water? Going through the motions? One day a day. Bearing the pain because I can’t work up the strength and energy to do anything. But hey we’ll see now if I get some improvement.
Oh and my dad is doing somewhat better. He said all of his tests came back well, he’s like a ‘superman’ he joked. Except for his blood pressure which is still too high. And his doc says she’s exhausted all option on that. So she’s looking into what else they can do, he may have to go to the hospital.
And not to keep complaining but I got a sore neck now too, from sleeping in my chair too much I think. But other than that everything fkn fantastic, hooray who wants to eat.
13/4 2023
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Meanwhile, in the goat place. I dragged one of the old christmas trees up for the goats. And they got to work nibbling on it. The gift that keeps on gifting. Although I can’t imagine there’s any nutrition left in that. Like sucking on the bones of the thanksgiving turkey.
13/4 2023
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goatlog
13/4 2023
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I hope today will be a good one. Here is Ping from 2016.
14/4 2023
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Don’t fall in, Mia.
14/4 2023
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What if the wind in your hair is just ghosts farting?
14/4 2023
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Happy Caturday everyone. I hope it’s a good one. Here is Nala.
15/4 2023
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Cool kids never have the time.
15/4 2023
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Happy Funday everyone. I hope it’s a good one.
16/4 2023
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Welp. I know you’re gonna get mad at me. I think I had another blackout. I checked my files and it’s almost exactly a month since the last one. I know I need to go to the doctor about it. I just.. don’t want to.
I got my stopwatch running, it was about 50 minutes going. Piecing things to gether.. I had started it running because I was about to get on my exercise bike. And then I got that feeling, that deja vue feeling that I seem to get befoer the blackouts. And then.. I came to. I think I was sitting on the toilet, at least I hadn’t fallen down. But judging by the stopwatch that was still running, I was out of it for about 40ish minutes. And then having to retrace my steps and figure out what day it is, what I was doing, what I had been doing. I had been sleeping and got up today around 10 – 10.30 am. And was getting ready to get on my bike. I can see I got my space heater pointed at my exercise bike. And I’m wearing my exercise rain coat. And when I start my stopwatch running, literally the next thing is getting on the bike. So I blacked out just then, as I was getting ready to get on the bike. It’s such a weird feeling. Having to retrace your steps to find out where and when you are. It seems to happen roughly once a month. I slept in my bed for the first in a week last night, I should go back and look at my records and see if I can tell if the other times have happened after a long sleep.
Such a weird feeling. I can remember now mostly. I got my rain/exercise coat on. i went and got a pair of disosable plastic gloves as I do before starting the space heater. The space heater wasn’t going. So it was on my way from teh gloves to the heater that i.. spaced out. And because I had just started the stopwatch app that I use when exercising I can see that that was pretty much exactly 45-50 minutes ago. Instead of getting on the bike when I started the stopwatch as I always do, I must have just stood there in a daze for 40ish minutes. I am not even sure if I was justs tanding there when I was starting to come back to consciousness, or was I sitting on the toilet.. hmm. Well in any case. I suppose I oughta get on my bike and do that exercise I was going to do.
It’s a weird and scary feeling when you’re not sure what the time is and what you were doing and what you were going to do. And then your brrain slowly puts it back together like a jiggsaw puzzle. So weird.
it’s pretty much all back to me now. I got the disposible gloves. And my next step would be getting the earphones for my exercise mp3 player. But they’re still in their usual spot. So I blacked out between getting the gloves and getting the earphones. And I cn vaguely remember now, getting that weird deja vue sensation that seems to signal the blackout. And then a 40ish minute gap. So fkn weird. Ok. I’m going to go ride the exercise bike. Talk later.
16/4 2023
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Well hello again. Here I am, back fom exercising. Feeling okay. Got a pot of soup brewing. Just going to relax the rest of the day. I will look at your comments on the blackout entry when I’ve had something to eat. I have a feeling i know what some of you will say.. haha. It’s interesting how I can pinpoint when I blacked out because I had just started the stopwatch for my exercise. Normally when I start that I go and get a couple of disposable gloves then I get my mp3 player then I get on the bike and start going. When I start going on the bike the stopwatch is around a minute or a minute and a half. So it was in the space of that minute and a half that my mind short circuited. And I do remember standing with the gloves (don’t ask why I use them, long story) and getting that feeling the deja vue feeling and then… blank. And when I got back to myself the stopwatch had reached about 40 minutes I think. I probably came back after about 30-35 minutes. So half an hour of just being zoned out.
Last time it happened while my dad was here. He says I opened the door for him when he rang the bell, after a while. So it’s not like i’m completely passed out. I think he said he couldn’t really get through to me, I wasn’t really responding. So it must be something like a sleepwalking state almost? I’m not sure. I wonder if it’s something like the brain fog that you hear long covid sufferers experience. I want to read up on that and see if it sounds similar. Anyway. Feeling ok now. Going to soup myself good. I’ll talk back to you in a bit.
16/4 2023
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Thanks everyone for the comments on the blackout post. I appreciate the concerne and I appreciate that I am a frustrating friend! The truth is I don’t really care about myself, and I know that is not a nice thing to say. It’s also not an easy thing to change. There are a lot of ways my life would be better if I had cared more about myself and situation and faced things and dealt with them. Instead I am stuck in a hole, broken mind and body. Here we are. Well, here I am. I don’t have much hope for the future and not caring is easier.
Sorry to be grim about it! I am thankful for those who care about me, and I understand if you want to kick my assh. I will try to work up the conviction to do more. In the meantime, look over there a squirrel.
16/4 2023
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That’s all for now.