The Break Of Hearts
Good times with the littles today. Another gorgeous sunny droughty day. Lots of laying about in the dust clouds. It was a noisy day. Some guy in a machine came and cut grass and weeds, thankfully not in the goat pen though. And there was something going on on the other side of the trees, some construction thing it sounded like. There were at least a couple of workers I could hear, they had a radio going but not loudly. But they were making lots of working noises, like metal on metal clanging noises. It wasn’t too bad, but it did startle the goats. Sky especially seemed concerned. She spent like 10 minutes standing on the mountain just STARING down at the corner from whence the noise came. She wasn’t acting like they usually do if they’re scared of a noise, where they will stare and then move to other positons and keep staring and regroups and stick close etc. She was just standing still and staring. Like a little Sky statue. Thankfully it didn’t last all day, we got some peace and quiet in the sun too.
12/6 2023
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Here’s Sky, froen to the ground, intently staring in the direction of the sounds of workers beyond the trees.
12/6 2023
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When someone asks me why I think goats are better than people.
12/6 2023
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Hey look, flowers have grown on the mountain! Haha it makes me laugh that the back end of the mountain is considerably more green than the front end. It’s almost as if Milo and Sky have been completely wrecking the front end with their running and jumping and pawing. Well, at least some of the stuff that Jeanette planted has come to fruition.
13/6 2023
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A little bit of video from yesterday. The greenery on the backend of the mountain, and Sky trying to wreck it. Also a little bit of the start of the construction noise that would entrance her later on.
I don’t want things to change..
13/6 2023
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Today was a long and brutal day.
Today was the hottest day of the year so far.
Today was the second saddest day of the year so far for me.
The terrible good news is that today Milo moved to a new home. I am relieved that we found a solution. But I am crushed and heartbroken and sick of it. I am so angry that we did this and so sad that i am a part of it. If it wasn’t for Sky I would not be going anymore. But I can’t abandon her now. It is one of the saddest things I have seen in my life, her walking around in the pen looking for Milo, screaming after him. She was looking out through the mesh fence over the sport field beyond the pen and screaming and then she turned to me and slowly her loud screams turned into little mewls that I don’t think I have heard her make before. As when they are sick and you have to do things to them, it is so hard to not be able to make them understand what is going on. Although there is no explanation that could have made things better today. She will have four sad days alone until we get the new babies on Monday. I can’t be there every day, but I will do my best to be with her. I feel so bad.
Milo will be living at a farm, as I understand it. To be honest I don’t think his life will be as good as that of a playground goat. But I think it will be considerably better than a agricultural for-profit farm and certainly better than the fate of a meat goat. It isn’t a happy ending, but we avoided the worst possible ending. I am still just sick of it. Seeing him taken away was painful.
I will write more about what happened today later. If I am feeling up to it, maybe tomorrow if not. Thank you everyone for.. everything. I honestly just wish I was dead. Thank you for caring and helping me go on.
14/6 2023
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Thank you everyone for the comments. You are beautiful, wonderful people and I am thankful I am not alone.
I want to point out that I have to continue to have a working relationship with the playground, for the sake of the goats. So I can’t just burn bridges all around. If you’re wondering why I’m not saying harsher things or why I’m defending things I don’t agree with etc. I am sure you can all imagine some of the things I’m thinking. I am thankful for Jeanette being a good friend to us and working hard to find a solution for Milo. And for the other people there who care. And also I understand very well that fears are irrational and hard to control. I am not afraid of little goats. But i’m afraid of humans and that has ruined my life and telling me not to be afraid of humans wouldn’t do a thing.
With that out of the way, I am just going to write out what happened today, because it always helps me to put things down on internetpaper. You already know the important parts so if you don’t want to read what will surely be a long rambling post I completely understand that. Thanks again everyone for the support and to those who worked with me to find solutions and offered suggestions. I appreciate that very much.
So, I hadn’t actually been planning to go see the goats today, because as I have mentioned frequently I am worn down mentally and physically. But then last night Jeanette told me that a man would be coming around today to look at Milo. So i figured I’d better buckle up and go. She couldn’t tell me when he’d be there, but I figured i’d go and if I was lucky he’d come while I was there and I could help with things if needed.
This morning I felt pretty sick. I don’t know if I ate something that was bad for me, or if it was the nervousness. I spent a lot of time yesterday talking to people in messenger and on my boosted poston facebook, working on potential soluitions, getting Jeanette to call places, it was a fatiguing day for someone like me who is not good at communicating with humans. So maybe that was why I felt sick too. I spent about 45 minutes on the toliet, sorry tmi. But I managed to get myself out the door and to the goats. Jeanette isn’t working anymore this week, I always feel better when she is there. But instead there was Sanne, and she is nice too. You might remember that time they messaged me to help give Milo a pill, that was her. I don’t see her very often, but she is always kind to me. And seems to care about the animals. I am not sure if she is one of the staff who are scared of Milo but.. well thinking about it now when we gave the pill to him that time she wasn’t, so I don’t think so.
Anyway. She said that she was really glad I had come today because she’d hurt her back and she thought she’d have to call someone to come help her open the goat door because she wouldn’t have been able to on her own. it’s a pretty tough sliding door. So she was glad I had opened up and let the goats out. And then we talked about Milo. At that point she hadn’t been aware that someone was coming to look at him. But we talked about that, and about calling the Århus division of the animal welfare association. I mentioned that yesterday, right? Angeline got in touch with the animal welfare society and got me to get Jeanette to call. And they old Jeanette that we had to contact the local division, and they weren’t open until today because it was so late. And the plan was that they have a shelter where Milo hopefully would be able to stay temporarily while they looked for someone to adopt him permanently.
That was the biggest hope I had yesterday. I think Sanne called them today as planned, I suggested to her that it would be a good idea just talk to them and we could always tell them that someone was coming to look at Milo and that we might not need the help. And as it turned out, we didn’t. A bit later on Sanne came out and told me that the man would be coming by to look at Milo around 1:30 pm. Normally I don’t stay that late. I know, I’m a wuss. But being out of my house for 5-6-7 is a lot for me and I have a hard time doing it. Normally I leave around noon. But okay, I figured I should stay. I wasn’t sure if my help would be needed, but I wanted to be there. Since I knew Milo would not be happy leaving, and he can be difficult to handle. I figured if I ws there I could talk him up and help make introductions if needed. And be with Sky afterwards.
So that was the original plan. I sat around with Milo and Sky. Did my best to enjoy my possibly last time with them both together.
I sat for a while in my chair and baked. In the sun. Hottest day of the year. I hadn’t slept well last night, still feeling somewhat sick. Almost dozed off. Was not feeling great.
At that point 4 big dudes with big dogs came around. Big fierce looking dogs. This part isn’t really important to the Milo story, but whatever. My first thought was, is this some kind of outing of the local dog owner gang or something. Then it dawned on me that it was police. With tracking dogs. They were searching for something clearly. They went all around the outside of the playground, around the outside of the fences of the pen and the pathways outside. I heard one say something like “he was shooting video here”. I don’t know what it was all about, but some kind of crime or criminal search. Obviously Milo and Sky were not happy with those big dogs and all the sounds of people in the bushes and dogs barking and officers shouting commands. They were pretty scared, and went up on the mountain and looked nervously around. The cops left at some point. When Sanne came back she asked if we’d seen cops too. I can’t remember if she said there had been 11 cops or 11 squad cars. But apperently it was something of an operation.
Anyway. Back to the sad story.
At around 1:30 what I had been thinking “don’t let this happen” happened. Sanne came over and said that the guy had postponed it to 3:30 pm. Ugh. I was already sick and tired, literally, baking in the heat, sad and depressed. Already outside longer than normal. So I told her, okay I think I have to go home then. She said she understood. I packed my backpack and headed out. Lots of treats to the littles who were upset I was leaving. I got out the gate. Looked back at them. Weighed everything in my head. If he’d come at 3:30 that means it would be over at 4 maybe, then i’d need time with Sky, then a walk home. I can’t remember the last time I have been outside around 5-6 pm, I know it will sound crazy to you, but that’s my life. Anyway, looking at Milo, hearing them starting to scream as they do when I leave.. I couldn’t bear leaving. So I got back in the pen and unpacked the backpack. And sat down with Milo and Sky, as they settled down too.
Sanne had originally told me that she thought it was just a first meeting type of thing. That the man was going to see if he was ‘compatible’ with Milo. And if so, then he’d probably come back in the weekend to get him. Now, that would have been a lot better for Sky. Less time alone. But then suddenly things went fast. The man came around 2:30 pm. So an hour later than originally planned, but an hour earlier than I feared. that was good at least, made it easier for me to make time with Sky afterwards. But yes, the man wanted to take Milo right away. There wasn’t a whole lot of introductions needed, I didn’t really need to tell him about Milo. He seemed to decide right away to take him.
The man actually recognised me. He knew me from the old old playground, the first one. At first I didn’t really understand. He was an immigrant, his Danish was good but not perfect. He said something like “my sons got married and you were with goats”. And at first i thought he was almost mocking me, like he was saying his sons got married and were normal people and i just sat around with goats. But no, he was being literal. His sons had gotten marriaged and they had had some kind of celebration in the neighbourhood of the first playground and I had been there in the goat pen when it happened. So that was sort of funny and nice. He asked about Alice, who was the leader there at the time, and who went to the second playground too. I think she has quit and is doing other things now. But anyway. So the guy has some history with goats and the local area. Apparently he has some kind of farm. The playground employee who was there now (Sanne had left because her shift was over by this time) said that a way to get Milo to come would be to grab one of the branches of the big tree because he loved those and would follow it. The man said “oh I have a lot of those on my property, a whole forest”. So it sounds like there is a lot of space and greenery. I do not know more details about his place or what he does. I don’t know if I will be able to get more information. I think there is not a chance really of getting more news or visiting Milo. I will try to find out, but I get the impression it is not likely. If he has that much property with greenery then hopefully his goats are happy and well taken care of. It has to be better than being sent to the slaughterhouse.
Now came the taking of Milo. I don’t want to go into too much detail, it was not fun. He was not happy. The fear and confusion was heartbreaking. No way to explain to him what is going on. It broke my heart all over again. I did my best to help and comfort him. I wish I could have spared him this. But i knew it would be difficult to get him to just come peacefully. I knew the only way he would go peacefully would be if he went completely away with a lethal injection from the vet. Any other scenario would be a stressful one. And it was. But I will spare you further details. The man drove off with Milo.
And then the heartbreak continued with Sky. I already talked about it. It hurt me so deeply to see her sadness and confusion. I sat with her. I gave so many treats. I also gave her some space at times to go around and search and call for Milo. I don’t know what is right in this situation, but I thought maybe it would be good for her to.. well to try to learn that he would not be there, would not respond, would not come back. I am sure it will take a lot more time, I wish i could make it easier for her. She eventually ran up the mountain and sat down, scouting out over the pen.
I feel really badly about splitting them up. I hindsight I wish I had done more to keep them together. I had told Jeanette that they should not keep Sky for my benifit if someone wanted both. But I should have demanded they stay together, even if it meant me losing both. I regret this now. But I regret all of this, and I try to tell myself again.. I can’t even fix myself and my life. I can’t fix everything for the goats. I am trying my best. I wish i had done better, but I know they would have been worse off without me over the years. I am only human. You know what we think about humans…
I spent as much time as I could with Sky. Eventually I had to go home, I need strength to be there as much as possible for her the next days. And at some point I had to leave, even though I wish I could just have spent the night therei with her. It was more heartbreak as I left, her screaming after me. All alone in the pen. It kills me. It will be a hard four days for her, I know. But she will get through those. And i will. And I hope she will be able to bond with the new kids. A lot of people still call her a baby, but she’s 5½. A good goat age to be a momma. I really really wish she will be able to be an adoptive momma of the new girls. I don’t know if that will happen. Maybe this has all been too distressing. We will have to see. I will do my best to make it all work.
I am sick and tired, literally and figuratively. I wish I could fix it all. But I can just try to survive the days now.
I know, many people have it much worse. Many animals too. There are wars and famine and plague. But here I am, and you know I feel these things. Thank you for feeling them with me, even though I wish they were happier feelings.
14/6 2023
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Got out and checked on Sky today. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep for 48 hours straight. But I had to go see her of course. She was screaming for me when she saw me. But generally she was doing fairly well, better than I had feared. There was this part of me that was thinking what if the heat and distress and sadness had jut given her a heart attack or something. But she was ok. There wasn’t a lot of screaming, while I was with her. A good deal of bleating and sad looks back at the goat house. Standing on the mountain and chewing her cud while staring out over the pen and beyond. It was sad, but she was at least pretty calm most of the time. I sat with her a lot. Tons of cuddles and treats, of course. Went and picked some branches and put them inside so she can have that.There was already a couple of little branches with greens put in her stack of hay. That means someone thought to do something nice for her yesterday after I lett. So that is good.
The thought of her locked up completely alone at night is so hurtful. We jus gotta get through these few days. Even if it takes time to bond with the kids, just having other goatsi n the pen will mean a lot. Goats should not be alone. I wish I could stay with her the whole time until the kids come, but I will do my best as much as I can.
The weather was feeling it too. Our long string of super hot sunny days was broken. A grey morning. And later the rain came. Not a whole lot, but some brief showers. Even the drought could not stop the heavens from crying for us. Okay okay I won’t quite my day job to go be a poet. The rain is good for the greens, and sitting inside and listening to the rain fall and Sky eating hay is not too bad.
I am just very tired and sad. But hanging in there. Zombie mode, getting through the days.
15/6 2023
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The last photo I ever took of Milo. Sky was sitting in the sunshine on the hill outside the goat house. And Milo sat down here in the entranceway in the shade. And that last I did before he went was sit with him there. Complicated feelings. On the one hand desperately hoping they would come to take him, so he would live. But realising that if my hope came true it would mean I would likely never see him again. And the heartbreak of both of them jus sitting there not knowing that everything was about to change.
I really hope he is doing okay. I hope he is settling in, I hope he gets love and friends. I hope the love I gave him helped him have a good life up till now, and I hope he will have a good life ahead. I wish animals were in charge of the world, humans not so much.
Thank you everyone very much for all the comments. I appreciate it a lot. Thank you for the support. Right now I don’t have the mind and strength to reply to every comment, but it really means a lot to me and I am humbled by the nice things you say about me, even though I have a hard time thinking nice things about me. Love you all.
15/6 2023
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Got out to check on Sky again today. She is doing fairly ok I think. Calmer today than yesterday, but in a sad kind of way. No doubt she is sad and lonely right now. I know the feeling. But pretty calm when I stay close to her.
Apparently she hasn’t been eating, Sanne told me. There was a lot of untouched feed in the trough when I opened up today. When I tried giving her peanuts she’d roll them around in her mouth and they’d pop right back out on the ground. But I de-shelled a couple and she ate those. And she ate all the raisins i’d give her. When I tried giving her a pear she didn’t want it, but I put the slices in the pan inside and she ate them from there later. So she is eating. She’s chewing her cud and laying berries. We just gotta get through a couple more days then we can hopefully start adjusting to a new normal, one that is at least better than what it is right now.
16/6 2023
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Well I got news about Milo. Good news, thankfully.
Firstly I just want to say that I do not expect to get regular updates about him but we’ll see.
Some of you asked about the man who picked up Milo, if he was just some rando who took Milo and disappeared. I must admit I hadn’t really thought so much of that, it happened so relatively fast and I was thinking only really about saving Milo, not so much about vetting the man.
But he’s not a completely random person. He is a friend or relative of someone who works at the playground. So there is some connection, for whatever that’s worth.
And today Sanne told me that the man who got Milo has sent a video of him to the person working at the playground (this person is not someone I have met, as far as I know). The video apparently shows Milo at the new home, hopping around and eating greens I think Sanne said. So. Milo got through the transport and is seemingly starting his new goat life. That’s a relief to hear. I am sure he has also been confused and sad and I am sure it will all take a lot of adjustment too, but it sounds like he is on his way to finding his new normal. And at least he’s alive. Sanne also told me that the local divison of the animal rights assoc got back to her and told her that they would not have been able to help. I don’t know why, probably lack of ressources and stuff. But that means that it was even more important that we found someone to take Milo. We weren’t completely out of options, Heather on here had reached out to Esther’s army and I think through them came up with someone in Denmark that might have taken him. I also got a message from a Danish person via the post I boosted on Mia’s page and he said he might take Milo. So there could still have been other options that might have worked out. But it was really close to a bad ending nonetheless. Now at least he is alive. I haven’t seen the video myself and I very likely won’t, but it sounds like he’s doing okay.
A couple of you have also shared your personal experiences of rehomed goats with me, and those have been uplifting. I think goats are good at adapting and living in the moment. I have to believe he will be okay. Even if I wish things hadn’t gone like this. He’s such a wonderful goat and it’s not fair that.. he has to be without me. Not that I’m anything special. But I’m pretty decent at hanging out with goats. And I loved hanging out with Milo. i hope things will start going better now. But it will never be the same, and I will never be the same. I will try to do my best for Sky and the new kids. But I feel like something has broken in me. Who knows when or if it will heal. Until then I guess I will just limp along best I can. One day a day.
16/6 2023
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A little bit of video from today, with Sky. As you can see, she is still snakeing down the mountain. Her tail is up and even wagging. Eating raisins. I don’t think she is depressed, I think she is sad and confused. Which is bad enough, but hopefully it will lift when she gets goat company again. Of course we’ll be keeping an eye on her to make sure she is doing okay and eating and all that.
16/6 2023
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A goatlog from Milo’s last couple of days with us. There is no video of him leaving. Obviously it’s still a sad video, but there’s nothing traumatic in it. I uploaded a few other goatlogs from the days before too, just to get it all up on my channel. Not that I expect people to watch through all the long videos. And there’s a part of me that thinks, what’s even the point now. But there’s also a part ofm e that enjoys the routine I guess of editing and posting and having it all there. There’s a couple of videos from when Mia was sick that I did not upload but other than that most of our journey is on film on that channel. 19ish years of goating. So much happiness and such heavy sorrow. That’s life, i guess.
17/6 2023
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Trying to relax today. Feeling physically beaten up and emotionally despondent. But trying to reacharge some energy. Next week will have some challenges too, but hopefully happy moments. I just wish i could go back, instead of forwards. Tick tock goes the clock, it won’t stop.
17/6 2023
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Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of Mia’s passing. And the arrival of two new kids. I am depressed and bloated and suffocating in the heat. Just want to sleep. Here’s to hoping things will go okay next week. Keep smashing those atoms.
18/6 2023
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That’s all for now.