Zombie
Good goat times today. I had a lovely time with the goat gang.
Unfortunately I also had an.. incident. I had one of my spells. Blackout.
I was walking up the driveway to the playground when I started getting that weird feeling the usually preceeds them. That weird deja vue where I start thinking of certain youtube videos, it’s impossible to explain.
And then.. I was up at the goat house, not really knowing how I got there. With that feeling of being lost and having to piece things together again in my head. Where am I, when is it, what am I supposed to be doing.
The interesting thing is, I had filmed while walking up to the goat pen. Like I always do. I looked at the video, and I couldn’t remember any of it happening. In the video Jeanette comes out and says goodmorning to me. And I say goodmorning back. She says something about how it’s not so slippery anymore. And I grunt back a sort of noncommital agrement. And then I walk on to the goat pen without saying anything else. I know I’m not much of a talker in general, but nomally I’d be saying something to her. And interestingly also is that I pretty much just filming the ground. Normally when the goats spot me and start bleating for me I raise the camera and filmd in their direction. In this video when they start bleating I don’t raise the camera, the whole walk to the pen it’s pointed down to the ground. And I get to the gate and Bella is coming towards me and I kind of say something I often say to the goats “hvad så”. Which sort of means ‘what’s up’ or something like that. It seems to be a bit of a go-to phrase, I think I say that multiple times during each visit. So it’s not unsual that I’d say that to greet Bella. But what is unusual is that I give the goats raisins. Always when I get there the first treats are peanuts. Good for crunching on the videos. I don’t think I would ever give them raisins. Bella wasn’t too interestedin the first raisin. Luna came down to the gate and and got some. After giving Bella some different raisins I open the gate and go in and I go up to Sky and give her some. And then the video stops. And I can see by the timestamps that I start filming the next video about 15 minutes later. The usual clip of me putting Luna’s collar on her.
When I was back in my head and feeling fairly normal I went down to Jeanette and asked her if she had noticed anything unusual about me when I got there. I told her what had happened. She was concerneed about me of course. She said I had been quiet, but other than that I guess I had seemed normal?
I remember once in the past when I had these blackout a few times, it happened once when my dad had been over. And i had no memory of him being in my apartment but I could tell he had been there. And I asked him if he had noticed anything. And he said something like that it had been hard to get through to me.
So. It’s weird. It’s not like I pass out or have seizures or something like that. It seems almost like I go on autopilot. I wonder how aware I am in the moment, if I am fully conscious and I just forget about what happened afterwards, or if I’m like in a daze and not really thinking.
It’s kind of fascinating.
And I know it’s not good and I should go to the doctor. It happened before christmas too. Before that I think it was a couple of years since I had it happen.
I do have a theory that maybe it’s connected to a supplement that I used to take and that I have started taking again. I’m going to stop taking it. That will probably fix it. Right? Right.
Once I was back in my head I did have a lovely time wit the goats. Freezing cold, but lots of sunshine.
And now I’m going to have some soup, that should fix everything.
19/1 2026
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Sunny Sky.
19/1 2026
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Knocking that brain around should help..
I’m glad we have that shelter roof now, but it happens pretty much every time that I walk into it, and it’s not fun when you hit your head on it. Might need to wear a viking helmet instead of a cap.
20/1 2026
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Got an hour thirty five on the bike today. Digging the groove. The exercise is going pretty good now, just have to keep at it.
And now I have to work on the diet part. Because apparently the 5:2 diet doesn’t work when you eat waay too much on the 5 days. Who could have known? I’m going to try to do better on that. I don’t need to lose a lot of weight, but I want to lose some. And hopefully that will help my blood sugar and bloodp ressure. So my doctor won’t yell at me the next time i have an appointment. (not that she did, but I’ll need more medication if I can’t get it under control on my own).
You know what I’d like? Pancakes.
Sigh.
Some years ago my dad would actually sometimes bake me up a batch of pancakes and bring them to my place. Because I couldn’t make them on my own, but I was craving them. Yeah, spoiled kid.
Anyway, no pancakes tonight. But hey, cucumber is good too… Mhm.
20/1 2026
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The blooper reel has been updated for the premium subscribers.
That one was on me.
20/1 2026
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I had an appointment with the dentist today.
I was worried, because of all the tooth problems I had last year. And because I have had a bit of pain in my left side of the mouth. Sometimes when biting down on something hard. Not all the time, not like the nerve in the fronth teeth I had to get root canalled. But still some pain. So I was worried about more teeth extractions or operations or other expensive things.
But thankfully it went vey well. The dentist said there was a small.. I forget the word he used, fracture? I don’t know. Something. But I guess it wasn’t serious. And generally my mouth was looking pretty good. I lost that one tooth to periodontitis, or whatsitcalled. And I had a couple of other teeth where there were some beginning stages of that I think, but those were looking better now. It took me a while, but I have been trying to use dental floss more regularly. So that was really good. And generally, after all the tooth problems it was nice to have the dentist compliment my oral hygiene. Props as always to my dad for (metaphorically) beating it into my head as a kid how important brushing and taking care of your teeth is. I wish I hadn’t gone so many years without going to the dentist, it would have saved me a lot of trouble last year. But at least it’s looking better now.
And he said we’ll give the fracture, or whatever it was, time to heal, for now he didn’t want to do anythinga bout it. And it’s not something that has bothered me a lot, so I’m fine with that. He says I should keep getting checked 3 times a year, and if it’s looking good I can go down to 2 times a year. And all I got was a reasonably small bill for the general examination and cleaning.
A relief!
Seeing the dentist is never fun, but it wasn’t too bad. However, he had the radio going. And the first thing I heard when I got into the room? Trump speaking. Eurgh. Tell me that dentists don’t like to torture their patients?! Haha. I was tempted to ask him if he could change the channel. Thankfully it was just a short thing on the news, so I didn’t have to listen to the Ferengi Fatso Fkker for too long.
Yes, I know. I’m classy.
And then who did I run into when I came home? Helle! Yay! So nice to see her! I was waiting for the elevator to come down when I heard knowing on the glass doors outside. I figured it was someone who had forgotten their key brick or whatever, so I went to open. I didn’t even recognise her (Blindy McBlindLasse) until I let her in and she said my name. I guess she’d been dropping off something for someone else in the building and saw me there.
So we had a nice little chat. And we got a date set for the musum visit. As you may recall she wanted to show me the local museum she’s involved with. I’ve been meeting to try get a date for it arranged, but I’ve been feeling so rotten lately that I haven’t had the capacity to reach out and get it done. But now we got it arranged, so I’ll be seeing that soon.
It was just lovely to see her, she is the best. Oh and she was so happy with the drawing Keiko made for her, she mentioned that too.
And there was something else too, but I’m too tired of typing now. I need a hot soup injection. Been feeling very cold lately.
21/1 2026
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It wasn’t all good today.
I mentioned I ran into Helle when coming home from the dentist.
I asked her if she would go out and look at my mailbox, and check if my name was on it. Because it looked to me like it wasn’t. But you know me and looking..
Well, she confirmed that my name isn’t on it. So that’s… just. Great. Maybe that’s why I have received zero mail in the mailbox all year. And I know at least one of you guys had a card returned, that may be because of this too. If you have sent me anything and I haven’t thank you, then this might be why to. Ffs.
I decided to go over to the old apartment and check the mailbox. My name is still on it. It’s definitely not supoosed to be there! And the mailbox was full of stuff. I don’t have the key anymore of course. The thing I could fish out at the top was some junk mailish stuff. I would imagine that’s all there is, there shouldn’t be any actual mail to me in that box. My official address has been changed and I have received packages at the new address without problems. So there shouldn’t be real mail in the old mailbox. But who knows.
The old mailbox have the names in actual print, like a sign. The new mailbox is digital. I’m pretty sure my name was on it previously. And I did receive a few cards before christmas so mail go to me there. Of course there has also been the switch in Danish postal service this year, as some of you have noted. Ugh. It’s all very annoying. I have also been having some problems with the login system on the housing association website.
I won’t bore you with the details. Who said TOO LATE ?!
But yeah I’ll have to call the housing association. I need to get my name back on my new mailbox. And taken off the old. I don’t know if I can get the mail from the old mailbox? Technically it’s not my mail anymore? But I think it’s so called ‘addressed’ junk mail, so it may have my name on it. I don’t know if they’ll open it and give me the mail. I guess I’ll have to see.
More stuff to deal with. I am very tired. I don’t want to deal with the world. I want to buy myself in blankets, maybe a pillow fort. Depression has been high, sleep has been low quality a lot of the time, there was the blackout, trying to get healthy. My battery is blinking on low capacity, but it seems like that’s where it is most of the time. I’m trying not to look too much at the news, so I don’t bum myself out further with all that stuff.
One day a day. I hope I haven’t missed any important mail because of this sht. Okay, actual letters are barely a think anymore, so probably not.
I really want a cheese sandwich. Maybe if I squint I can pretend this apple is a big chunk o cheese.
21/1 2026
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Called the housing association this morning. Very friendly and understanding person, he promised he’d get their people to get my name on my mailbox and get it taken down from the old one. And he said that he thought it should be possible to open the old mailbox. So if there’s anything important in there I should hopefully get it. We agreed that if there was just junk mail then they could just throw it out.
But the call went well. Another example where I was worrying too much beforehand. I was sitting here for 10 minutes rehearsing what to say. But it went butterly smooth.
Woke up with a serious headache and feeling kind of nauseated. Painkillers have helped the headache. Not sure about the nausea yet. Still just in general not feeling great. But I’m hanging in there.
22/1 2026
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Quinoa for dinner. Hmm, maybe it could work as pizza topping..
22/1 2026
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Bella’s driving stick.
22/1 2026
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Do you ever feel like you’re being crumbled together like a piece of paper?
23/1 2026
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Not feeling mentally very well today. Depression so strong that it feels hard to just move around.
I have turned my heat up to Starfleet Engine power. I don’t have to pay the heating bill until August or September I think, so I’ll worry about it then. For now I need some heat. I may also break diet and gargle cheese later. And go to bed early. The world is poopoo. I just want to be in dreams. A coma doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I mean it wouldn’t be nice for the people the care about you. But just dreaming out the rest of the century, I wouldn’t mind that.
Okay it’s getting a little dark. Maybe I should turn on some light.
23/1 2026
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Think goat thoughts. The look of love, of treats.
23/1 2026
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Well, i did it. I finally ordered one of those daylight lamp things. I’ve been meaning to for years, had them recommended by several people.
So I will see if it can do anything for me. I don’t know if my visual impairment will have a negative influence on my ability to use the light or whatever. My relationship with light is complicated. But eh, i’m trying it now. Can’t make things worse.
Feeling pretty rotten right now, so it would be nice if it could help some.
24/1 2026
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Got an hour and a half on teh bike today. Felt good. Had to force myself to get on. Not for mental reason. Mentally I was happy to get some physical burn and get out of my head. But my legs have been hurting. I guess I didn’t stretch enough after the long walk home from the dentist on Wednesday. I could barely lift them, for a day or two. Somewhat better today, but still not in a condition that says ‘let me get on a bike’. But I did the thing. I gotter done. Happy about that.
The last couple of times I have measured my blood sugar it has been in the acceptable range, which is good to see because I have been struggling with that. Would be nice if I’m starting to get that under control.
I’m struggling with a lot of things. But I’m just trying to keep going, one day a day and all that.
Haven’t been feeling myself. Like I’m not in my head. It’s hard to explain. And I’ve been feeling a desire to watch old tv shows. Regressing to the 90s and 80s. And, I can’t explain this combination, but the last couple of days I’ve been really wanting to watch the old Stargate series and Clarissa Explains It All. Don’t ask me why thos two go together in my head now. A longtime scifi franchisd and a kid’s show. Weird. But I guess my head just wants to go back to the past, to not be in this current world where everything internal and external seems horrible.
Ah well. Just trying to stay afloat.
24/1 2026
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goatlog
25/1 2026
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The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, oh ICE murdered the good guy with the gun well he shouldn’t have been carrying a gun, you know.
Everything is just fkked.
Stop the world, I want to get ice cream.
25/1 2026
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Think goat butt thoughts.
25/1 2026
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Th week is winding down. Not a good week for me. The dentist visit was good, I’m relieved that went well. But other than that it has been rough. With blackout and depression. Feeling cold. And just not feeling myself. Out of my head. I may need to start thinking about a doctor’s visit if things don’t start picking up. Because I feel a little like I’m sinking.
But hey I’m sure it’ll be fine. Onwards and upwards and slightly askew. One day a day My daylight lamp thing should get here in a few days and then I’ll be sunshines and lollipops. Hooray!
Hope you’re all doing okay. I know right now is a … trying time. With snowstorms and borderline civil war and whatnot. It’s not a fun time for anyone right now.
The future is out there.
25/1 2026
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That’s all for now.