Weak
Hi. Hello there. Oh it’s Monday.
I was supposed to go see the goats today. But getting up early this morning my body was still a total wreck. So I sent off a message to Jeanette telling her I wouldn’t make it. We had tentatively discussed trimming hooves today, so that would be my second time cancelling a hoof trim day. But she wrote back saying that she figured we wouldn’t do that anyway, because of the extreme heat. Better not to stress the goats in that kind of weather. Very thoughtful.
So now I am resting at home. The weather is hot, but thankfully not the scorching 34/92+ kind of heatwave. I wouldn’t mind not seeing those kinds of temperatures again. Good thing global warming is a hoax.
My body feels like it’s been through one of those oldtimey torture contraptions, you know the ones that stretch your body out. All my muscles and ligaments feel like they have been pull apart by horses. And my ribs still hurt. You know I have delicate bones, I bruise ribs when I just lean over something. I wonder if I feel down on them. I have a sneaking suspicion I may have had a seizure with cramps or something.
It’s also pretty weird when I’m looking for something now and I can’t find it in the spot it’s supposed to be and I realise.. I must have moved that while I was in the other state.
It’s almost like that TV show Severance. I haven’t watched it (though I want to at some point) but my understanding is that it’s something about the people’s brains being ‘divided’ so they have a work self and a free time self? Or something. Split personality. I almost feel like that here, that there’s another me and these attacks set him free and he just does stuff. What a jerk, where did you put my stuff?!
Anyway.
I contacted the doctor, I’m waiting to hear back whether I’m going in this week or if I should go 2-3 weeks without the apple cider vinager to see if that affects the potassium levels.
But today I’m going to just sit and do nothing. Miss the goats. Painkillers have helped some with the body pain. And as long as I just sit still I’m pretty fine. Have to remember to do some stretches, losen up the muscles. I think a lot of the body pain comes from me not stretching after the hard exercise on Saturday. Apparently my other self doesn’t think it’s necessary to stretch after exercising. Clearly he’s not the brightest bulb in the pack.
Again thank you all for concerns and support and kindness. I feel like a pretty big mess right now, and I’m sure some of you want to hit me over the head with a frying pan to knock some sense into me. I’m trying.
Try fry try.
I have the balcony doors open now, and there’s a whole lot of commotion outside. Cheering people, honking cars, hollering. I think it must be one of the student parades. Ah those young people. Make a better world for yourselves, kids.
29/6 2026
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The day is winding down. I have done nothing all day but sit at the computer. Not how I planned to spend my day, but okay.
I got a reply back from my doctor. She said that yes, it would be a good idea to stop taking the apple cider vinegar. But she did not reply to my question about whether it wouldn’t be a good idea to wait 2-3 weeks then and get a new blood test done to see if that helps the potassium. So I guess I gotta go in this week. I suppose that’s for the best. I suppose I ought to actually tell her that I had blackout this weekend. I suppose that would be prudent. Sigh. I kind of wanted to keep it seperate. Personal doc for the potassium stuff, hospital docs for the blackouts. Well, mostly I I kind of wanted to not deal with anything and just pretend nothing is going on. Isn’t that a good way to deal with your problems? Head in the sand, if they can’t find thne they can’t hurt you.
Well well well, we’ll see how it all goes.
My ribs are still hurting quite a bit. I can barely fart or sneeze! Not that I do ever. Of course.
It’s hurting more on the left side. Because. I leaned over to reach something and pushed my left side against the armrest of my chair and.. I heard a little crack. Yes, my brittle bones strike again. So now I probably have a bit of a bruised rib on that side, along with whatever is causing the general pain in the ribs. And whole body. I am so tired of it all.
I was going to say I don’t feel like myself, but I do. I do. I just feel torn out of my routine. I thrive on routine, I need a schedule, I need a normal routine and to know what to expect. I can’t stand change and unexpected. And now I have to deal with all… this. *waves hands around*
Alright well. Sorry about all the B&M. Bisching and moaning.
AT least it’s a little cooler now. Still hot, but more normal summery weather for Denmark. It won’t be too many days until it dips below 20C/68F and I’ll start complaining about it being too cold. Round and round we go.
Guess I won’t be sleeping on my side tonight!
29/6 2026
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Oh hello. I didn’t see me come in there.
I have been to the doctor today. I was playing the ‘bargaining game’. Can’t I stop the apple cider vinegar and then wait a few weeks and do a new blood test, can’t I can’t I?
But I suppose it was for the best that I went to see her today. And it went, okay.
Not too much new development. She said it was a good thing that I had suggested the acv thing, because she probably would not have come up with that. Then she asked me if I eat a lot of licorice. I must admit that I do. I don’t remember how much I’ve written about it here, but I eat these sugarfree licorice things. The great thing about them is that they don’t really trigger my blood sugar, it’s like candy that I can have as a diabetic. The bad thing is they’re super rich in fiber. So. Have you seen the old Colon Blow cereal commercials from snl? Yeah. Eating a lo of that licorce kind of blows right through you. And that become sort of a crutch, you get that nice ’empty’ feeling, like you’re not fat. Yeah yeah. I definitely have some eating disorder type issues.
Anyway, she told me to stop eating those. Funnily enough, I haven’t eaten them in a couple of days, because of the stuff that’s been going on. And I feel like I’ve slept better. Random chance, or is it because my stomach isn’t loaded with fiber? I don’t know. But it would be nice if I could get overall better sleep. It’s going to be difficult to kick the habit though. I am addicted to that feeling of.. stuffing my mouth. I think it’s kind of like smokers who get addicted to that habit of moving the cigarette to their mouths. So they have to replace it wit something else. I replaced all the candy I used to eat with this licorice. Which doesn’t trigger much glucose reaction, so it’s ‘safe’. I wish there was some healthy snack that had the feel of unhealthy snacks but no downside. I can eat an apple or a carrot, but the feeling just isn’t the same.
Anyway, yeah. Definitely no eating disorder type stuff here, definitely not something I’ll be struggling with for the rest of my life, nope.
Anywayway, even with the order to quit the acv and licorice, the doc still wanted me to start taking potassium supplements again, and 3 a day because my numbers were so low. So I’m going to be doing that for a month and then get blood tests done again. I expect by then my potassium numbers should be good, the question will then be if I can keep them up without hte supplements. Unlike last time. But I guess we’ll see.
I did talk to the doc a bit about my blackouts and all that. She knew about most of it, but wasn’t that much into the details of it, because that stuff has been handled by the hospital docs, not my personal doc. So I filled her in on some of that. She didn’t seem to want to do anything else about that right now, I did tell her that I had one Saturday. But I guess for now I’ll have to wait for my appointment at the neuro in September, while working on getting my potassium. I know potassium is a critical mineral to the body’s functions, so who knows if me being depleted in it is tied to my blackouts. But as far as I know I didn’t have low potassium three years ago when I also suffered from some blackouts. So I don’t know.
But that’s where I am now. At least I went to the doctor. And the potassium situation is being dealt with.
My ribs hurting quite a bit when I move. But I guess that will take a few weeks to settle, like past bruised/bent ribs. This feels like ALL my ribs were borked instead of just one. Just needs time to heal I suppose.
I am such a mess. But I’m limping along. And I’ll do my best. I think being forced to drop the licorice is probably also going to be the end of my weight loss journey. I used that a lot. To stuff my mouth without gainign weight, and to cleanse myself out. And I know that’s not good. I will probably have to eat more normally now, which is healthier of course. But I will probably put on weight. That’s okay. I’m not the skinny type. It’s just hard when you’ve been fat all your life. When you get the chance to be not fat, you get willing to go to extremes for it. I’ll keep exercising hard, hopefully that can keep me in a pretty healthy state, even if it’s not skiny.
Bla bla, I’ll cut the ramble here. I’m gettnig me some soup now, that’s healthy food. So that’s something.
I am very tired, I am quite hurty, the depression is still heavy. But at least I got through this bit. So hopefully I can get some time now to just goat around and not worry too much.
30/6 2026
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On a sweeter note, as I was sitting in the bus i on my way to the doctor, a young mother with a little girl got on. She was probably 6-7 years old or something. And they were singing. And then at one point a huge truck next to us honked, for some traffical reason I imagine, and the girl went “it honked!” and then started singing “it honked, it honked ,it honkes..”. Pretty cute!
It made me smile anyway, sitting there with pained ribs and worries for the future.
30/6 2026
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I treated myself to a B & J today. I thought I deserved it after, you know heat wave and passing out and doctoring.
In retrospect, having the iced cream DURING the heatwave would probably have been smarter. It is a good deal cooler now. But it is still quite hot, and I haven’t had iced cream for so so long. So that was nice.
After the doctor visit I had to stop to pick up the potassium tablets. And that place happens to be right next to the only place where I know I can find the big packs of shelled peanuts that I use as treats for the goats. So I went in there and got a couple of packs of peanuts, and then I grabbed the B & J. Now that I’m now allowed to have the licorice, I need stuff to do with my mouth. And I enjoyed the B & J.
Getting real tired of the hurting ribs. When you sit still you kind of forget it, but then you move and it’s like, oh yeah, pain. And instead of one rib, it feels like all the ribs. If you ever want to make an Eve, you’re not getting any of MY ribs, I tell you wut.
One day a day. Today’s the first day in the rest of your fight.
30/6 2026
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I’m eating so many bananas it seems they finally made a monkey out of me!
Taking it easy today. I am itching to get back to exercising and goating, but my body is needing a litle time. The hurting ribs are quite annoying. But it’s not too bad. Especially when I sit still.
Having to adjust to a new normal now. Giving up the licorice is actually quite a big deal. It has practically no sugar and carbs and fat, so I have been able to use it just like a constant snack in the past. And then the extreme high fiber content, well without going into too much graphic detail it kind of cleans you out. So it’s been like having a healthy snack that keeps you lean. The downside being a lot of toilet visits…
But now I have to deal without it. Apples and bananas are not the same. And I feel quite bloated. Stomach pressing on the ribs…. but I’m sure it’s a lot better for my digestive system. in the long run. I just have to accept that my lean days are over. Hopefully when I can get back to proper exercising I’ll be able to keep reasonably fit. We’ll see.
It would be nice if I could stop passing out though, that would probably be the best thing, let’s hope for that.
The sun really hits my apartment around 6pm to 8 pm. It’s not heatwave anymore, but it gets hot. In my old apartment the sun hit earlier in the day. I kind of preferred that. But okay.
The forecast says we have rain coming, so it won’t be too long before I complain about it being too cold again!
And it’s July, can you believe it. A third of the summer is gone. Time always moves too fast or too slow, it’s never just right. In my experience. I have nowhere to go and I’m not in a hurry to get there.
Anyway, happy Canada Day to my Canadonian friends! Now that we’re practically at war with America ( I kid I kid ) you guys are the chosen ones. Let’s all huddle up and talk about the yanks behind their backs!
I am sorry, I would like to pre-emptively apoligise for any offensive remarks made by me. They were probably written by Trance Lasse, you know the severance thing. It wasn’t me, it was him!
1/7 2026
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It’s another day. Hold on. *checks calendar*. Yes, yes it is.
I feel… bodysnatched. I don’t know who is driving my body, but it doesn’t feel like me.
Feeling pretty detached. And hurty and sad. But hey hey, one day a day day.
I was hoping and planning to go see the goats today. But I was not quite ready for that. Maybe I should have forced myself to just go. But I didn’t. So there. I think the rest of the week will be spent trying to find my way back to myself. Get back to some light exercising. Leg stuff mostly I guess since my chest and ribs are still hurting. But some kind of physical activity to get back in motion. Right now I feel trapped in tar like a dinosawr.
And not eating well, which isn’t helping. Have to find a new normal without the licorice. Trying some different things for the next grocery delivery. Including sugarfree chewing gum. I have never really been into chewing gum. But like smoking, there’s a need to break habits. It’s so ingrained in me, to just reach down and grab licorice and stuff it in my mouth. Maybe chewing gum can help me keep my mouth busy and out of trouble.
I took the trash down earlier, and it was raining. It would have been lovely to sit in the goat house and watch the summer rain with the girls, after that brutal little heatwave. Though I know the goats wouldn’t be happy about the rain.
It is hard to not feel like I have just completely failed and messed up and now I’m totally lost, hacking way through thick vines in the deep rain forest and no idea where the path is. Am I heading deeper into oblivion or is there salvation around the corner? Is that a tiger I hear roaring or is it a coca cola vending machine, tm.
Alright alright.
Just like me in the jungle, this is going nowhere.
Try again tomorrow?
2/7 2026
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Happy Friday Friday Friday.
Nothing really new here. I let myself have another day of pretty much doing nothing, and being unhealthy living.
Not smart. But not quite ready start the work to get back on dry land. Still feeling quite lost at sea.
Did not sleep well last night. In fact I only got about an hour’s sleep. Not good for the mental.. what’s that thing? State.
I am retaining water. Legs and feet specially swollen.
Ribs feel a bit better. But I am still in pain. And uncomfortable because I ate too much and am bloated now and water swollen. I’m quite the mess!
And it’s been storming so hard outside that I haven’t felt comfortable leaving my balcony doors open, so now it’s hot and humid inside.
Complaints complaints complaints!
So yeah, not feeling great physically and mentally.
But I hope tomorrow I will manage to stop ordering junk food, and start exercising. I have not done so since the blackout last Saturday. So I need to get back on track. I don’t need to work too hard, I just need to get started so I can get into the rhythm again slowly. It’s going to be a challenging time ahead. Now that I can’t do my licorice diet anymore.. I have already let myself go. The next couple of months I’ll have to try to get back to some kind of health. But (relatively) lean and skinny Lasse is going to be a thing of the past. It’s going to be chubbier Lasse, but hopefully in decent fitness once I get that going. I’ll try.
I am really quite tired of it all and I would like to sleep forever. But that’s probably not likely to happen. So I’ll settle for sleeping tonight maybe a little thanks.
Hopefully the potassium supplements will start having some effect soon. Because I feel like my body isn’t working properly right now. But how knows it’s really the potassium deficienccy or if it’s… everything else.
Blabla, that’s all for now. Tomorrow is the first step on the journey to.. the next steps. Here we go. Hope you’re all doing well. Sorry you have to listen to all this drivel and watch me spiral. Fight to live another day.
3/7 2026
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Happy 4theth of Julyeth to all my American friendereenos.
Now get your sht together.
Haha, no offense. But when country is still talking about wanting to take territory from my country, I feel entitled to being a little salty.
But anyway, I love my American friends and I know the vast majority of you are good reasonable people who don’t want to wage war against my country. And thank you for that.
I guess i should not go on for 5 more pages about America, you know how I feel. So have a nice day, and keep the animals safe. Fk fireworks. And I hope you survive the assault from the inside, that you can get past the grifters who are dragging your through the filth.
Alright, shut up me.
So other than that. I am feeling a little better still. Unfortunately I did not get exercise done today. I can’t really blame anything but me being lazy. I am a very lazy person. I can work hard when I get into the groove of it, but when I get out of the rhythm.. it is hard to get back.
I’ll probably take it easy for the rset of the weekend too. Let my body recuperate a bit, and then next week I’ll be foced back into action. Because I badly need goat time. That’ll get my body going again. And hopefully I can get back on track then.
For now I’m just floundering.
I did get sleep last night. I woke up after an hour and thought “oh no, not again. Am I only going toget an hour tonight?”. But I feel back asleep and it was decent. Getting better sleep would do me a lot of good, I think.
Ribs and chest are still sore, but I feel it’s progressing. Water bloating not quite as bad today.
Got a delivery of Pepsi and bananas. And some sugarfree things. I know I have to be careful with that stuff. Eating a whole bag of sugarfree things, well that will have a similar effect as a bag of extremely fiber rich licorice. But having some different things to pick at, maybe I can learn to manage that.
Got me chewing gum. So we’ll see if that might keep my big fat mouth out of trouble.
Yeah, I’m still not functioning great. But hopefully I’ll get there. Mentally and physically a little bit better today, and it’s better to get better than to get worse. That’s my expert opinion. Put that on a T-shirt and sell it at the White House.
Have a good one, thanks for the sontinued support. It’s been a rough week for me, but at least it’s almost done.
4/7 2026
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I am tired of hurting. I am tired of doubting. I am tired of being afraid.
I am tired of hurting others. I am tired of doubting others. I am tired of being afraid of others.
i am tired of myself.
4/7 2026
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goatlog
5/7 2026
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Thank you everyone.
Hope the ‘mericans had a good 4th.
I’m going to run out the clock on this week. Hope the next one will be better.
Be better, stop getting worse.
5/7 2026
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Heading to bed early tonight. It has not been a great week for me. Mentally and physically damaged, put on a good deal weight I bet, ribs still hurting. Just.. not. Great.
But I will do my best to get back to reality tomorrow. That is the goal. Doesn’t have to be great, just have to start working my way back n the right track. And we’ll see how it all goes from there.
It’s a new beginning, in several ways. I’ll sleep on that.
Thank you again everyone. I appreciate having so many good people on my side. I know I’m not a lot of fun when I’m like this. And by “like this” I mean LIKE ME. Always. *does a little jig*. comedy doesn’t pay, Jay.
Okay, see you in another, brother. Tomorrow.
5/7 2026
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That’s all for now.