I dreamt about goats last night. My goats. Even Mads was there. Eating snow. In the summer. It was beautiful. And I was not blind.

Yes, I am still here. I hope I made it clear in the last entry that it wasn’t necessarily goodbye. I just wanted to make sure I had said some things, in case I wake up one of the coming days and can no longer use the computer. I do plan to still update for as long as I can. I don’t know how long that will be though. It is getting close to impossible. My central vision is very bad now. It’s like staring through a dense, dark fog. Reading text is time consuming and tiring. I’m sure I’m making more and more typos as well, but I hope you’ll forgive that. I have had to give up on 99% of my computer use.I check my email and my blog and that’s it. Well, plus a little youtue. I can’t watch the videos anymore but I can listen to them. There is this thing called “let’s plays” where people play computer games and do commentary. I like listening to that. I don’t knoq, maybe it’s comforting to hear people talking. And since I can’t play computer games myself anymore, at least I can listen. there is especially one guy, Kikoskia, who does very entertaining commentary. And he happens to be playing Ultima 7 right now, which is my favourite game of all time. So it is quite soothing to listen to him and to the sounds and music of the game. I have a big craving to play the Ultima eries again. 6-9. I grew up loving that series, there is great escapism in it. But I am cut off from that world now I’m afraid. But I digress.

Today I managed to go shopping on my own. With a great degree of difficlty. But I found that I can see more when I’m outside. It was overcast, but the natural light helps me. So I found my way to the shopping center around the corner ok. But once I got inside it was back to being almost blind. It’s not fun to walk around like that in acrowds of people. And I can’t pick out the stuff I want to buy anymore either. So my solo shopping days are pretty much over I think. But it’s nice that I can see a little better outside. That means I should still get a lot out of visiting the goats.

I can still see a fair bit around the edges of my left eye. Especially the left side, I can see a lot of light and colour there. I can see some on the right side as well, but that is more dark and gray. And then the center is all dark of course. But it’s frustrating. Having good eyesight just out of my reach. I can see it out of the corner of my eyes. A beautiful world teasing me. But when I try to look at it, the darkness covers it. Like a fountain of diamonds sparkling in the sun but when you try to catch them they just trickle out theough your fingeres. I can see it’s there but I can’t look at it. Still, it’s a lot better than being completely blind, I know. It’s jus frustrating. I look at the computer screen now and it’s almost completely dark. Then I turn my head and I can see the text light up and become clear. But when I try to look directly at it, it goes dark again.

I have started using my magnifying glass at the computer. You can only zoom the text so much before it become impractical. But using the magnifying glass helps some times. It must be a strange sight, me with head right up to the screen, staring through the glass. Like some sort of demnted Sherlock Holmes looking for fingerprints on the monitor.

But whatever helps. It might very well not be long before that won’t even work.

I have been on my exervise bike 2 times today. And 2 times yeterday. It is my new plan to do it twice a day. We’ll see how long that lasts. But it’s good to stay active, instead of lying in bed and listening to the radio all day.

Tomorrow I have another meeting with the sight central folks. I’m going to get my cane and we’re going to do some training. So that should be interesting. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest. But I need the cane, no doubt. It will be good to have. I am just tired. All the new things happening, while the world fades. I havae almost daily headaches, probably from my eyes having to strain so much.

But I am still alive and ready to fight another day. I mørket før en morgenstund.

I’m afraid it’s almost time to say goodbye. My eyesight is failing. The central part of my left eye is a dark cloud now. I can barely see the text on the computer now. I have some decent peripheral vision, but that doesn’t help me use the computer. It’s very hard now.

I will try to keep blogging, more or less, as long as I can. But it seems to be going fast now. This morning I could still read the computer fairly well. Only parts of my central vision were cloudy, now tonight it’s almost all of it. I imagine that it will only be a few days now before I have to give up.

It’s still an open question whether the screen reader from the sight central people will be able to help me use the computer. I don’t know how well it will work with the blog. Perhaps I will still be able to come on and write a little every now and then. I don’t know.

While I still have the chance I’d like to thank everyone who has been with me over the years. Everyone who has read and commented. You have meant a great deal to my mental health. Through all the ups and downs I have found love and support from a lot of swell people. Thank you every one.

I hope plume.dk will stay up without problems. If more webhost issues arise then I might not be able to fix them, though. I will do my best to keep it running though. Not so long I started a little project (djaliplume.blogspot.com) aiming to collect all my old entries from diaryland and this blog. And maybe livejournal too. All my writings in one stable blog where they’d be unlikely to disappear. So they’d still be there even after I’m long gone. Not that I have written anything terribly important. But still, it’s 10 years of my life. I’d like to be remembered. Even if it’s just by a couple of people. Even if it’s just by a random google search every now and then. But alas, it was not to be. We’re talking thousands of entries. And too little time left. It doesn’t all matter so much. At least I have made some connections with people around the world. 10 years ago I never imagined that would happen.

This isn’t goodbye, but in case I don’t get the chance to go on my own terms, I just wanted to make sure I’d said how much I have appreciated y’all.

Yesterday I went to the hospital for the checkup. And as I guessed they still can’t say much or do much. They can’t really see any changes and they can’t do more than they already are. My left eye is ending up like my right one and there’s not much to do about it. I guess all that’s left to hang a little hope on is the removal of the oil, when the time comes. Maybe that will somehow make some difference. But not really much hope of that. Now it’s more a matter of dealing with the new way of life that I will have to lead.

I had my first foot therapy today. It went very well. Now I have a break in my schedule. But there will be much more to deal with soon of course. Mainly with the sight central and blind society of course. And going back o the hospital in a couple of weeks. I’m pretty much done using the computer for fun, but I’ll have lots to do at least.

See you all again soon, I hope. Take care out there.