I try not to think of it. But it keeps sneaking in. And I cry. I replay the last moments. And it hurts.

I still can’t believe he’s gone. It is hard to understand.

I didn’t go to the playground today. Didn’t feel up to it. Tomorrow there are electricians coming by to read the meters. Don’t know when they’ll be here. I will stay home and wait and feel sorry for myself. That is always a good thing to do. Then I will go back to the playground on Friday I guess. It’s going to be so weird to not have Mads greet me. I do love Magnethe very much. And Vanilje. And I adore the kids. But I had a very close bond with Mads. I don’t know if I’ll ever have something like that again. Nothing will ever compare to him.

Life goes on, though. I will be okay, I promise. Thank you all for your support and sympathy. It means the world to me. I don’t deserve it. But Mads does. It makes me happy that I have been able to share him with you all. That his memory will live on. I know he will still bring a smile to my face, when I think of him. Just have to get through the tears first.

It’s over. The vet came today and put Mads to sleep. He’s gone.

I feel like I have been run over by a truck.

I got a good hour and half in the sunshine with him today. I’m glad the sun was shining. We were sitting in the juicy grass. Per had told me that the vet would be coming today, so I knew it was getting close to the end. It was so heart-breaking. What do you do with the time when you know you are out of time?

I must thank the new intern girl that I mentioned yesterday. I was sitting with Mads, taking pictures and videos. And I wanted someone to take a picture of Mads and me. But I was having a hard time asking anyone because of the stupid phobia and all. But she came over by herself and asked “shouldn’t I take a picture of you and Mads together?”. She took a few. I was very happy with that. And when it was all over.. when mads was gone. I was sitting outside, crying to myself. She came over again and put her arm around me and asked if I was going to be okay. Comforted me. It was very sweet of her. She barely knows me. She seems like a wonderful person.

Kurt was there too. To help with things. I had to put the leash on Mads’s collar, because he was running away from everyone else. Then they dragged him to the goat house. It’s the worst thing I have ever seen. They took him inside. Per asked if I wanted to come in. But I said no. I did not want to watch that. They closed the sliding door. And a while later they came out. And it was over.

I guess the vet had lots of other things on the schedule for the day, and he couldn’t go around with the body in his car.. so they left Mads inside until he could come back and pick him up. I went inside to say my last goodbyes. They put him under a tarp. That was good. I didn’t want my last image of him to be.. dead.

I cried for a good while in there.

Afterwards I went and sat outside, that was when the intern comforted me. Then I went back to the lawn and sat down with the other goats. Kept crying. And thinking about Mads. A boy came by, someone I’ve talked to quite a bit. It was hard to tell him about Mads. He said “if he’s dead then he doesn’t remember you anymore”. He paused for a think. “But when he’s up in heaven he can look down on you”.

I hope he does. I’m sorry Mads. I will never forget you.