happy Mio Monday everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

17/4 2023
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Good goat times today. Well actually, not the best. Mia wasn’t feeling so good.
It was a gorgeous sunny day. I had been expecting my first real good spring day with them. Milo and Sky were sitting in the outroom in the sunshine when I got there. Mia was sitting inside in the straw. She did come out to geet me, but did not want any treats. Which is obviously a bad sign. She was just not her good self. There was a lot of sitting around and relaxing today. Milo and Sky always in the sunshine. Mia more often inside in the dark. I went in and sat with her. She did get up and gave me her paw so I could scratch it. And then when i was done with it she gave me the other so I could do that one. She enjoyed snuggles and scratches. And she did come out and sit with us in the outroom. But no appetite. We had a group of visiting kids at the fence. Once again Milo mugging everyone for carrots. Mia did slowly wander down to join us. But quickly started back up the hill to get back inside. Poor girl.
I wonder if someone overfed her. The barrel with their food was gone today. Eventually Jeanette found it down in the chicken house. The chickens are in quarantine right now by the way, so we arne’t mingling with them. But anyway, Jeanette said there was already food in the goats tub when she got there. Maybe someone gave them too much food and Mia being the dominant one at most of it. I don’t know. Hopefully it’s not something serious. Jeanette will keep an eye on her and maybe get the vet out.
So now we can stop worrying about me and start worrying about Mia! Sheesh. I just want a good spring and summer. Last summer was complicated because of the move and all the worries about that. And then we had to get used to a new place and miss half of our flock and there was all the stuff going on with my family. I wish things could just be okay.
But send some good thoughts to Mia if you can.
17/4 2023
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Poor girl. Hopefully she’ll be back to normal in no time.

17/4 2023
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HappY Yogi daY everyone. With bonus Spirrevip. I hope it’s a good one.

18/4 2023
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goatlog

18/4 2023
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Hey everyone.
I didn ot visit the goats today, but Jeanette called me. Mia is not doing well. The vet can’t come see her until tomorrow. Jeanette prepared me that they may have to make a decision on whether to put Mia down or not. I know this comes to a shock to everyone, it did to me. I will do my best to advocate for her. I know if Mia was privately owned like some of you who have animals you could do everything possible and go to any length to make things okay, but that’s not really how it works in a government institution. Ressources are very low, as you maay remember several of these playgrounds are being closed and having to get rid of the animals alltogether. I know they will do all they can for Mia and I will do my best. I just want to be honest and prepare you, I hope you will send Mia all the healing energy you possibly can. It is also a matter of her quality of life. There is no doubt she is not as strong as she used to be. I know people have noticed that she has gotten a lot skinnier. Her tail is down a lot too, most of the time really. She has been down with sickness several times. She is getting to be an old goat and the question is whether she is still living a good life. I will do my best to argue that at least when she’s not sick she’s still a loving and happy goat. But there is no doubt that her condition has declined. We will have to hear what the vet says. I’d gladly pay out of my own pocket if that was what it took, but that’s not how it works. The vet will have to say what her prospects are and what is best for her within the possibilities there are.
I am obviously not in the best state right now. I don’t know what I’d do.. but i have to take it one step at a time right now. This shitty year just continues..
Please send Mia all the love you can, I will of course let you know when I know more.
18/4 2023
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Mia is gone.
I held her head in my arms and told her to go to sleep, as the vet made the injections.
I am so so sorry my girl.
It was the vet’s opinion that she was in so much pain that it was bordering on legally and morally objectionable to keep her alive. The playground had told her to do whatever she could, that they would pay whatever it took to treat Mia. But it was the vet’s estimate that whatever she did would only prolong Mia’s pain, and would not make a difference in the end..
I asked her if there was any chance that it would make a difference if my friend from Belgium, Angeline, could come get Mia and bring her to her sanctuary where they might be able to offer a higher level of care. I am not even sure if Angeline would be able to do that for us, but we had previously talked about this. But again it was the vet’s opinion that it would only make Mia suffer more. A long, difficult transport and again no chance of Mia recovering
The vet, I should learn her name, was lovely. It’s the same vet that has been with us since the first playground, to the second and now third playground. So that is at least 15-20 years of experience with goats and our situation. She was the one who came and helped Mio pass when it was her time. We did that together, as we did it today with Mia. She was very kind and sympathetic and gentle. She knew how much Mia meant to me. I was crying the whole way through when it was clear that there was no other way.
I am crying now.
I don’t know if things would have gone differently if Mia had been taken to a clinic on Monday. The truth is her condition has been declining for a long time, maybe since the move last summer. Maybe even before that. She’s gotten skinnier and skinnier. She’s been walking around with her tail down almost all of the time. She was sick in March too. When she wasn’t sick she was mostly happy when I was there with them, but it was clear she was not as strong as she used to be. The vet didn’t know why, but it just seems to happen to older goats sometimes. She was speculating about organ failures. There’s some other stuff too, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. The bottom line is, she couldn’t see Mia getting anything but worse. And she was already very bad. It was awful to see her in this condition.
I feel completely dead inside. There’s a part of me that wishes I could get an injection to make it all go away too. Everything has been getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do without my Mia. She has been the best thing in my life for 10½ years. And you have to remember, I can’t really relate with people in real life, I truly appreciate the friendship of you all here on facebook, but in real life I live a pretty isolated life. The goats are my life and I don’t know if i can keep goating now. I don’t know what will happen now. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you everyone who has offered sympathy and advice and offers to help. Don’t know what I would do without you all either. I know you will all hurt too. Many, if not most, of you I have gotten to know through Mia’s page. She was the light of my life and I feel like it is all darkness now.
Love you, Mia. Thank you for everything. I truly hope you are with Palle and Mio and Kamel and Yogi and everyone else now.
19/4 2023
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Thank you everyone for all the comments and messages of support. I take comfort in the fact that you all care so much about me, and Mia. I had to take several breaks from reading through the comments to cry. And you know, just general cry breaks. It still all feels very unreal. I can’t remember a life without Mia. I have known many wonderful and special goats, but Mia became something truly unique, a connection so deep and that reached so many others too. It is hard to face the prospect of never being able to sit with her again.
I hope I helped give her a good life. She made a giant, insurmountable, difference in mine.
I’m going to try to see if I can get some sleep. Thank you everyone.
19/4 2023
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Got out and spent some time with Milo and Sky today. i neeed to get out of the house. And i needed to check on them. And it was good to see Jeanette too. Jeanette wasn’t there when Mia passed. It wasn’t her day at work, and when the decision was made by the vet there wasn’t really time for her or anything. It was pretty much me and the vet getting it done. And then a couple of the staff was there, Sanne and I think Linda was the other one’s name. Sanne is very nice, she was the one who messaged me to come help when they had to give Milo his meds that one time. She isn’t afraid of the goats, so that’s a plus.
But it was good to talk things through with Jeanette today. And sith with the littles. They were extremely vocal today. I heard Milo in the distance before I was even in sight, and once they saw me they both kept calling. And every time during the day when Jeanette went off to do her chores, they would bleat and bleat after her as she went. They never used to do that when I was there with the three of them. Clearly they are affected by the change too. Several times I saw them looking towards the goat house with concern, looking into the straw room like something was there. Or like they were wondering if Mia was hiding there and why wasn’t she coming out… or maybe they just feel the bad that happened in there. They weren’t inside when the procedure was done. But they were inside before it with Mia when she was sick. And they may have been allowed to go inside while she was laying there afterwards, I am not sure about that as I left immediately after it.
I don’t want to project too much humanity on them, but we all know animals have feelings and they have lost their adopted momma goat. it was really tough when I went home. I gave them apples inside but they left them and followed me out. I spread some treats on the ground, that’s what I used to do at the old place when I left, put out treats to distract everyone and then sneak off. but there was no sneaking off today. They were bleating a storm after me. Milo especially, he wasn’t just bleating loudly today he was screaming at the top of his lungs. I thought without Mia there to jump the fence when I go I could just leave them outside as I leave.. but if they take it this badly every time then maybe it might even be better for them to lock them inside for a few minutes when I go still, so they don’t have to watch in distress as I walk off. We will have to see how it goes. We all have to get adjusted to a new reality now. It felt so empty without Mia. it was good to sit with the littles, but god I missed Mia so much. All her loving and attention and sweetness and silliness. I know it gets easier with time, but right now it feels like it will never be okay. Just a giant vast hole in my heart.
We had some visitors at the fence, and I forced myself to get up and lead the littles down to the fence so the kids could get some time with them. It was a nice distraction I suppose. There was also an elderly man who came into the goat pen and went up to use while we were sitting in the sun. He patted me on the shoulder and told me how sorry he was. And I have to be honest, I am not sure if it was someone I’d met before. with my bad eyesight and bad human relatings, I am not sure if we’d met before or if maybe he’d been told about me or something like that. But in any case it was sweet of him to come up to us and offer his sympathy.
I am functioning mostly on auto-pilot right now. Trying not to let myself sink completely into despair and isolation.
I will treat myself to pizza now. And then come back later and try to respond to message and read comments. I really appreciate all your love and support, it makes my eyes tear up again just thinking about it. I am so thankful I was able to share Mia with so many and I got to meet so many good people through her page. On the post on her page there’s closing to 900 comments. I appreciate everyone, the ones who have become close personal friends and the ones who have followed the goat adventures on the page. Thank you.
20/4 2023
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When I came home on Wednesday, reeling from it all. I put music on just to have noise in the background as I tried not keel over. It happened to be the Frank Turner albums on my current playlist. And I wasn’t really listening, but when this one came on it did punch through the white noise of my crashing mind. Especially that one line. Please don’t take my sunshine away. On the sunniest day of the year so far, my sunshine was taken away.
I still don’t really know what to do with myself, but i have been here before. I know you just have to get through the days at first. And see where it goes.
Thank you again everyone. For the sea of outreaching hands. Thank you for helping me keep my head above water..

21/4 2023
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Hello. Just checking in. Still alive, allegedly. Just zombieing through the day. It is all still feeling very unreal, and sad beyond words. So I’ll leave the words alone for now. Just want to thank you all again for all the love and support. I appreciate you all. Hope you’re doing well out there.
22/4 2023
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Hello. I am
Not sure how to finish that sentence. Just despondently sad I guess. I wish i didn’t have to be here. Just gotta get through the first time now. Hoping to see the littles tomorrow. I feel like kicking and screaming but I barely have the energy and will to lift a finger. So it goes. Hope you’re all doing well out there. Thank you for the support. I know Mia was loved by all.
Not sure how to finish this post
23/4 2023
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Happy Mio Monday everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

10/4 2023
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What the cluck was that?!
Now imagine the chicken noise replaced by a fart and youd have a comedy gold clip
10/4 2023
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Milo sees his own shadow, I hope that means 5 more months of summer.

10/4 2023
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HappY Yogi daY everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

11/4 2023
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Good goat times today. Easter vacation is over, it was good to see Jeanette again. And the goats of course. And the sun. The forecast had said heavy rain, but thankfully that all passed early in the morning before I got out. Mostly sun while I was out goating, so that was lovely. I could have worn my spring jacket. I think it’s time to dust it off soon.
We had a sweet group of daycare kids visiting. Jeanette brought some carrot sticks for them to give to the goats and everyone had a good time. Especially Milo who was loving the carrots, practically knocking Jeanette over when she had them and then jumping up against the fence when the kids were handing them out. He’s a glutton!
On the downside, my back was absolutely wrecked when I was walking home. In horrible pain. Back to the doctor soon.
Right now I need a power nap and some soup.
11/4 2023
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We got a crowd, and Milo’s got his eyes on the prize.

11/4 2023
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Yeah, Milo wants those carrots.

11/4 2023
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Happy Hump Day everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

12/4 2023
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goatlog

12/4 2023
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We got some grass turf for the mountain. I think Jeanette brought it, not sure if it’s from her place or not. Now that spring is slowly starting i think it must be time to sow grass on the mountain. It would be nice to have it all covered in grass.

12/4 2023
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I hope today will be a good one. Here is Large from 2013.

13/4 2023
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Had my physical therapy appointment today. It did not go as I expected. Last time we had sort of talked about how the therapist didn’t think he could do much more for us and I was expecting today that we would write up a sort of final status and he’d refer me back to my doctor for further examination.
Instead, we tried something novel. Physical therapy. Wtih actualy physical therapy. He showed me exercises and printed out stuff for me. And I got one of those exercise rubber band things. So I guess now I actually have to do some physical stuff. And we’ll see if that helps my muscles and joints and makes my body stronger. Here’s to hoping.
I feel a bit like the last 2½ months have been kind of a waste, since I haven’t really gotten anything out of the pt. But I know it’s partially my own fault for not communicating well and all. To be honest I have just been so mentally broked that I’m just sort of… treading water? Going through the motions? One day a day. Bearing the pain because I can’t work up the strength and energy to do anything. But hey we’ll see now if I get some improvement.
Oh and my dad is doing somewhat better. He said all of his tests came back well, he’s like a ‘superman’ he joked. Except for his blood pressure which is still too high. And his doc says she’s exhausted all option on that. So she’s looking into what else they can do, he may have to go to the hospital.
And not to keep complaining but I got a sore neck now too, from sleeping in my chair too much I think. But other than that everything fkn fantastic, hooray who wants to eat.
13/4 2023
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Meanwhile, in the goat place. I dragged one of the old christmas trees up for the goats. And they got to work nibbling on it. The gift that keeps on gifting. Although I can’t imagine there’s any nutrition left in that. Like sucking on the bones of the thanksgiving turkey.

13/4 2023
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goatlog

13/4 2023
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I hope today will be a good one. Here is Ping from 2016.

14/4 2023
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Don’t fall in, Mia.

14/4 2023
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What if the wind in your hair is just ghosts farting?
14/4 2023
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Happy Caturday everyone. I hope it’s a good one. Here is Nala.

15/4 2023
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Cool kids never have the time.

15/4 2023
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Happy Funday everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

16/4 2023
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Welp. I know you’re gonna get mad at me. I think I had another blackout. I checked my files and it’s almost exactly a month since the last one. I know I need to go to the doctor about it. I just.. don’t want to.
I got my stopwatch running, it was about 50 minutes going. Piecing things to gether.. I had started it running because I was about to get on my exercise bike. And then I got that feeling, that deja vue feeling that I seem to get befoer the blackouts. And then.. I came to. I think I was sitting on the toilet, at least I hadn’t fallen down. But judging by the stopwatch that was still running, I was out of it for about 40ish minutes. And then having to retrace my steps and figure out what day it is, what I was doing, what I had been doing. I had been sleeping and got up today around 10 – 10.30 am. And was getting ready to get on my bike. I can see I got my space heater pointed at my exercise bike. And I’m wearing my exercise rain coat. And when I start my stopwatch running, literally the next thing is getting on the bike. So I blacked out just then, as I was getting ready to get on the bike. It’s such a weird feeling. Having to retrace your steps to find out where and when you are. It seems to happen roughly once a month. I slept in my bed for the first in a week last night, I should go back and look at my records and see if I can tell if the other times have happened after a long sleep.
Such a weird feeling. I can remember now mostly. I got my rain/exercise coat on. i went and got a pair of disosable plastic gloves as I do before starting the space heater. The space heater wasn’t going. So it was on my way from teh gloves to the heater that i.. spaced out. And because I had just started the stopwatch app that I use when exercising I can see that that was pretty much exactly 45-50 minutes ago. Instead of getting on the bike when I started the stopwatch as I always do, I must have just stood there in a daze for 40ish minutes. I am not even sure if I was justs tanding there when I was starting to come back to consciousness, or was I sitting on the toilet.. hmm. Well in any case. I suppose I oughta get on my bike and do that exercise I was going to do.
It’s a weird and scary feeling when you’re not sure what the time is and what you were doing and what you were going to do. And then your brrain slowly puts it back together like a jiggsaw puzzle. So weird.
it’s pretty much all back to me now. I got the disposible gloves. And my next step would be getting the earphones for my exercise mp3 player. But they’re still in their usual spot. So I blacked out between getting the gloves and getting the earphones. And I cn vaguely remember now, getting that weird deja vue sensation that seems to signal the blackout. And then a 40ish minute gap. So fkn weird. Ok. I’m going to go ride the exercise bike. Talk later.
16/4 2023
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Well hello again. Here I am, back fom exercising. Feeling okay. Got a pot of soup brewing. Just going to relax the rest of the day. I will look at your comments on the blackout entry when I’ve had something to eat. I have a feeling i know what some of you will say.. haha. It’s interesting how I can pinpoint when I blacked out because I had just started the stopwatch for my exercise. Normally when I start that I go and get a couple of disposable gloves then I get my mp3 player then I get on the bike and start going. When I start going on the bike the stopwatch is around a minute or a minute and a half. So it was in the space of that minute and a half that my mind short circuited. And I do remember standing with the gloves (don’t ask why I use them, long story) and getting that feeling the deja vue feeling and then… blank. And when I got back to myself the stopwatch had reached about 40 minutes I think. I probably came back after about 30-35 minutes. So half an hour of just being zoned out.
Last time it happened while my dad was here. He says I opened the door for him when he rang the bell, after a while. So it’s not like i’m completely passed out. I think he said he couldn’t really get through to me, I wasn’t really responding. So it must be something like a sleepwalking state almost? I’m not sure. I wonder if it’s something like the brain fog that you hear long covid sufferers experience. I want to read up on that and see if it sounds similar. Anyway. Feeling ok now. Going to soup myself good. I’ll talk back to you in a bit.
16/4 2023
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Thanks everyone for the comments on the blackout post. I appreciate the concerne and I appreciate that I am a frustrating friend! The truth is I don’t really care about myself, and I know that is not a nice thing to say. It’s also not an easy thing to change. There are a lot of ways my life would be better if I had cared more about myself and situation and faced things and dealt with them. Instead I am stuck in a hole, broken mind and body. Here we are. Well, here I am. I don’t have much hope for the future and not caring is easier.
Sorry to be grim about it! I am thankful for those who care about me, and I understand if you want to kick my assh. I will try to work up the conviction to do more. In the meantime, look over there a squirrel.
16/4 2023
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That’s all for now.