Life And Death
Trying to keep my spirits up. Mainly by not thinking about it. Because every time I think of their little innocent eyes I get very sad.
Trying to find a balance. Between completely repressing the feelings and completely letting them get me down. Trying to find the middleway.
It’s not helping that I am feeling sick. I have been feeling more or less sick all week and now over the weekend my throat has started hurting. But not full-blown hurting. Which makes me worry that it might get worse. Or maybe I’ll be lucky and it will pass without going into the completely hurtly phase. I hate the feeling of a hurting throat. When every swallow makes you cringe. I hope I can avoid that.
Must thank you all for your comments. As always you have been very supportive. And it truly does mean a lot to me that I know I’m not alone with this. And it also means a very lot to me that some of you are sharing your own memories of your pets. I appreciate that greatly. I am happy that I can share my stories with you and I am happy that you choose to share yours too. Having connections to other people like that is still something new for me, still something I am learning. I may not always be good at it, but as I said it means a lot to me that I get to try.
And rest assured that I am happy that I got to know 3B and Springbok. And Mandela and Nougat and Natal. It hurts right now to think about them, but they have given me great joy as well. And if I had the choice then I’d take the pain and joy over the nothingness of being alone. It’s not a bad thing to get emotionally attached. As long as you find the balance. In the future I hope to have more social contact, with humans too. And then I hope I won’t get hit quite so hard as this. But I would never want to not feel sad when I lose someone or something I care about. That would be very sad indeed.
Sometimes I feel a little like a robot. Or an alien. Or a neanderthal dethawed. Trying to piece together a puzzle. Learn how to be human and interact with others. Learn how to deal with feelings and emotion. Balancing the scales. Trying to get more normal without losing the uniqueness that I do want to keep. It can be quite hard and confusing, because most of the people you meet take these things for granted. They don’t look at you and see that you are maybe incomplete or struggling. They think you’re shy, not social phobic. They see a grown man (more or less) and they think that you are emotionally grown too. I spent so long isolated in my room and it really started around the time when everyone else left their rooms and grew their own lives, formed their own personalities. Sometimes I still feel like a confused teenager. Sometimes I still act like one, probably.
That is my excuse for teen angst, anyway.
Life, it does go on. Inevitably so.