Obese Turtle Power
A nice young lady is sending messages to me on Mia’s page. I feel bad for her, because judging by the photos she posts, she cannot afford proper clothing. She says that I am old enough to get married and that I should have a lover, which is a fair point. Can someone let Kristen Bell know?
1/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. Happy Mio Monday everyone.
2/11 2020
—
.
Not feeling so great, mentally speaking. I wish I could just.. ignore the news and everything. But it is getting to me. So I am making an executive decision and going to bed to sleep for about 20 hours. And then I’ll see what kind of worl I get up to. I just want this week to be over. Good luck everyone.
2/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. HappY Yogi daY everyone.
3/11 2020
—
.
There is only goat
3/11 2020
—
.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but in Danish elections if you’re elligible to vote you get a voting slip in the mail and you go to one of the many many voting places and you vote is it’s suuuper easy and we’re the happiest people in the world, coincidence?
There’s no way you’re going encounter anyone from any faction with guns around your voting place, you’re not going to have campaign trucks being harrassed on the hghiways, there’s no chance that you’re going to wake up and realise you’ve been purged from the voter registration lists, you’re not going to have to stand in line all day, you’re not going to have anyone being wishywashy when asked if they’ll respect the outcome. And almost every time the side who gets the most votes actually win.
I know America is a more complicated beast, but it’s still shocking to me how bad you are at democracy.
Anyway. Good luck. May the best side win. By enough votes for it to actually matter.
3/11 2020
—
.
All goats, nothing but goats, goats goats goats, all the time goats. My mind is a blank space, filled with goats. There is only goats.
3/11 2020
—
.
Distracted mysef with some photoshop work. I fully expect to in awards for this one, it’s so technically well made that I should probably put a disclaimer on it so people don’t accidentally mistake it for a real CNN graphic.
3/11 2020
—
.
Distracted myself with more photoshopping. Baby Nuller, then and now.
Santa, plz send babi goatzz
4/11 2020
—
.
Happy Hump Day
4/11 2020
—
.
Forced myself to get out and see the goats. Do I get an ‘I goated’ sticker? It was really good to get away from it all. And be in my happy place. With my kinsgoats. Much better.
But now I’m back home, and honestly I am not doing super well. I feel physically sick. Like, mentally physically sick. Hope you’re all doing alright out there.
4/11 2020
—
.
I only want to be with you.
4/11 2020
—
.
Breaking news from the goat pen.
The goat tower has fallen.
The goat tower is what I called that thing on the platform. You know the platform where Mia loves to sit with her butt hanging out. There was a wooden construct in the middle. Well, that construct has broken down. I’m not sure what happened. It was always quite rickety and it’s been very windy lately. Also some of the goats like scratching their butts against it. Whatever did it, the tower has fallen. On the bright side, there’s plenty of space for Mia to sit now. That’ll be nice in the spring.
4/11 2020
—
.
Did some shopping after the goating. Walking through the shopping center, they were playing Take My Breath Away over the loudspeakers in the mall. For some reason I got the sudden impulse to start dancing around. Twirling around and tripping about. Dance like nobody will know who you are because you’re wearing a mask.
4/11 2020
—
.
Call your doctor if your election lasts longer than 2 days.
4/11 2020
—
.
Alright, guess I’m turning off the lights for the night.
Thanks to goats and fb friendos for helping me cheer up a little. My mood swings more than [insert joke about the 70s] right now.
I don’t know, man. Woman. Person, Camera.
What a forking mess. I have no clue what’s going to happen. But of course so far it’s exactly as expected. The Shitgoblin did what he said he wouldn’t do. Called early victory and started rambling about fraud. Demanding recounts here and stopcounts there. It’s almost funny, he started babbling about the courts before he knew if he was going to win or lose the actual vote count. It’s just maddening how predictable it is. You stop the early counting of mail votes and then act like it’s a conspiracy when suddenly Biden’s numbers start rising because you start counting those votes. You can’t flip a result in the middle of the counting, there is no result until every vote is counted. You can’t just stop counting when you’re ahead.
But whatever. I know I have nothing to add that hasn’t been said a thousand times. I have no forking clue what’s going to happen. But I still feel sick. Because, as I’ve said before. How can you lose when you don’t need the majority to win, when you own the courts, when you’ve given your followers the power to ignore actual news, when you control the postal service. When you’re allowed to cheat and lie. When your followers cheer when you tell them that you wouldn’t even go to their state if it wasn’t for the pandemic. How can you lose when you control everything and don’t have to play by the rules?
Sigh. Well, it ain’t over till the fat goat bleats. But whatever the actual outcome is, I did not get what I needed. I did not get the rejection of Trump. Whatever happens, half of America thinks Trump is what we should be. What the world should be like. And as I have said, that is not a world I want to be part of. And it’s only going to ge worse, right. The cat’s out of the bag. You can’t put it back in. The repubs know they don’t have to hide the racism and misoginy and homophobia and stupidity. Now they know they should just lean into it. Once you’ve sold your soul to the devil it’s pretty hard to get it back.
Honestly, if you think Trump is what is good then I don’t know why you’d want to be friends with someone like me. How many rants will it take for you to leave? If Trump wins then you’ll get four more years to test I guess.
Well, ok. If Biden wins I’ll still be ranting. It’s not like there won’t be things to rant about. Rant will find a way. The cat will be out of the bag. But at least there’d be a dog in the white house again.
Hah, I managed to talk myself back into depression! I’m thankful I got the goats, the family, the friends on here. Keep me hanging on. It’s a good thing I don’t really have a choice.
see you tomorrow, hang in there kitty.
4/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. Here’s Popcorn and Peanut from 2015.
5/11 2020
—
.
Sky swears it wasn’t her who broke the goat tower. I’m not so sure, I know she liked rubbing her butt against it for scratchies.
5/11 2020
—
.
“Kanye West concedes 2020 presidential election “. That’s the headline you show the time traveller to convince him that he stepped on the wrong insect and he has to go back and fix it.
5/11 2020
—
.
Not sure Sassy was completely comfortable with this hug, but when you’re a star they let you do that.
5/11 2020
—
.
I can now exclusively report that there has clearly been a massive case of counting fraud done by my bathroom scales. I am going to take this result straight to the supreme court for fatties.
We definitely need to stop counting pounds before we get to obesity.
6/11 2020
—
.
I can certainly understand why republicans are very concerned. Where are all of these Biden votes coming from? Out of nowhere they appear. As if by magic they were delivered by some kind of delivery system that ferries letters and packages from one place to the other. Who has ever heard of such a thing? Very suspicious. Next thing you’ll be telling me that it was somehow part of the election system all along that people could vote via this ‘magical’ delivery system and that the votes would still count, I think not! If that had been the case then we would have known about it in advance and been prepared for votes to still be counted even after the polls closed. That’s not how polls work! You cast your vote and instantly know the results!
What’s next? The womenfolk and slaves b eing allowed to vote too?! I say I say. Harrumph. Hand me my cape and top hat that I may storm out of here in a huff!
6/11 2020
—
.
GUYS I GOT THE FINALVOTING RESULTS! HERE IT I
This content isn’t available at the moment
When this happens, it’s usually because the owner only shared it with a small group of people or changed who can see it, or it’s been deleted.
6/11 2020
—
.
Some people walk into a bar.
Sorry, that’s all the details I can give right now. We’re still counting.
6/11 2020
—
.
[animated gif of hamster furiously manipulating an oversized abacus]
6/11 2020
—
.
This concludes my audition tape. Thank you, Lorne. Let me know once you’ve counted th votes,
6/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. I am still counting the goats.
6/11 2020
—
.
Arthur ‘still counting sheds’ Jackson.
6/11 2020
—
.
Make America Stop Counting Again.
6/11 2020
—
.
Georgia’s getting upset!
Don’t worry, my repub friends. Clearly Trump has indisputable proof of election fraud, I’m guessing you have already seen it since you are believing his claims. And since the Republicans control the courts, it’s a simple matter of Trump taking this indisputable evidence to the courts and they’ll turn down all the fraudulent votes and you’re good to go for another 4 years.
I assume high-larious memes and Qanon tweets are admissible in court, right?
6/11 2020
—
.
Alright, I’m going to shut down for today. I need a break. And I’m sure you all need a break from me too. Stay good out there. I expect you all to have finished counting by the time I get back. THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
I just hope it’s still funny tomorrow. Smell ya later.
6/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. Here’s Herman from 2014.
7/11 2020
—
.
Are we there yet?
7/11 2020
—
.
Fascinating seeing people who spent 4 years supporting a racist pussygrabber now talking about how god is going to sort things out because he’s on their side. Bish please. If the second coming of christ happeend right now, Jesus would take one look at America and go ‘fuck this, I’m outta here’. Once you’ve gone all in on the ‘keep children in cages’ agenda, you’re kinda on your own, divinely speaking.
Also fascinating how counting is such a difficult concept to grasp. “How can a candidate keep getting more votes the more they are counting, it must be fraud!”. I know Americans are kinda dumb, but math isn’t really THAT complicated.
(I’m just joshing ya, I still love Americans. And a lot of you are considerably less dumb and obese than I am).
Well I still have no clue what’s going to happen. But it’s at least encouraging that Trump again loses the popular vote, and this time seemingly by a very large margin. I wish you’d try out democracy at some point, it’s wored out well in a lot of countries. Bizarre that you can have one candidate get many millions more than the other, and you still have to keep counting for days to see who might win.
I imagine Trump is busy scrubbing the search history on the white house computers right about now. Better do a deep-format of the hard drives, donny. Those pee videos really sink into the fabric.
7/11 2020
—
.
By the way, if you think I’m being mean and nasty about America..
1) It’s because I care about America (I mean, not in a creepy way. Look if you’d just return my calls I wouldn’t have to lurk outside in the bushes!)
2) let me be mean about Denmark for a second. I did not realise until just recently that Denmark was apparently a major player in the mink fur business. You might have heard about this on the news. And yeah, I’m very disappointed by that. Also, let’s hope Denmark isn’t responsible for an outbrak of mutated mink corona strand that will exttinct humanity ffs.
We might win the happiness votes year after year, but rest assured Denmark is not perfect. We’re just tiny so most of the time we don’t matter at all to the world at large. BUT WE DID WIN THE EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP IN SOCCERBALL IN 1992. #Neverforget #campeones
I believe in you. Be best.
7/11 2020
—
.
ARE WE THERE YET?!
Well, looks like we might be there.
Of course, I still don”t know how this is going to end. Since it seems that Trump’s strategy all along was to declare victory before the count was done and then hope to go through the courts. So he’s still on target for his strategy.
But hey. Whatever happens. I hope the dems will own the coming 4 years, just like the reps owned all the racism, homophobia and misoginy.
7/11 2020
—
.
“yes, we’re just calling to confirm this order. 500 hamberders to the oval office? This was not a typo?”
7/11 2020
—
.
there’s no time to cry happy happy put it in your heart where tomorrow shines
7/11 2020
—
.
I just felt a great disturbance in the Force… as if millions of obese turtles suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something wonderful has happened.
7/11 2020
—
.
STOP COUNTING!
START PARTYING!
Gimme a bat, I’m gonna take a whack at that pinata
7/11 2020
—
.
How long before the YOU CANT FIRE ME I QUIT speech?
Or will the Qanon + militias be defending the covfefe confederacy? Setup a command center on the golf course. Get your crayons out and draw a battle plan.
Better load up on alien DNA injections, it could still be a long one.
7/11 2020
—
.
I am feeling oddly amused, emotional, aroused, excited, shocked, gleeful, trepid.
I want to celebrate but I’m afraid Columbo will turn around and go “oh just ONE more thing”.
7/11 2020
—
.
tldr: just pointless rambling, mostly about ‘the otherside’.
I’m not one to take pleasure from other people’s pain. It’s interesting, though, to see the reactions from the ‘other side’. Remembering how I, and friends, felt 4 years ago. I remember a lot of sadness back then. Today I’m seeing more anger. A whole lot of “you can’t do this, this isn’t over, see you in court”. Who knows. Maybe it’ll flip. And you know.. I don’t want election fraud. If there was election fraud, I hope it gets uncovered and dealth with. It’s just hard to take it seriously when you’ve been through 4 years of constant lying. And we knew before the election that this was how it was going to go. So yeah. Let’s see what the courts say. But don’t expect us to take the president’s word for it. Fool us once…
I’ve seen a petition for a re-election. Lolwhat. Are we going to keep having elections until Trump wins? Do-over! Sheesh, can you imagine doing this again. I’d almost rather hand the presidency to Trump than doing this again. How about Trump gets to be president for the next 20 years but in return he promises to never speak in public or tweet? I mean, if he cares so deeply about politics and America surely he’d be happy to sbe in the background and do the serious work and never ever stand in the front of a crowd that hails back to him…
I have also seen people who worred that this was all about sneaking in Kamala… well, it seems like they didn’t hace to sneak her in after all. A pretty big majority just voted her into the white house.
And I see people posting reminders to themself about what the stock market and gas prices are now so they can check it in 4 years. I get it, the economy is important. But yes, it’s one of the things that makes me the most sad. Good, religious people willing to sell out morals and ethics for money. I dno’t give a fuck what the stock market says if you put a racist homophobic misogynyst in charge. What the fuck would Jesus say.
Who knows what it will be in 4 years. But I guess the senate is still going to be republican? So Joe isn’t going to have the power to do whatever he wants. It doesn’t matter what he does, 4 years from now the other side will cry disaster. Just like it doesn’t matter what Trump did. The other side is always going to cry for change. Good luck keeping a track of the gas prices. It’s good to know what the price of your soul is.
Seeing a lot of gun posts too. Lot of gun people who are really happy they have their guns now. It’s funny how they also post about how dems love rioting and looting. While their gun posts slyly insinuate they’d like to stage a military coup. Or maybe just hole up on their property and defend it with their shiny guns. As Jesus always said, turn the other cheek. And then rest the rifle on it so you can get a good aim while murdering your neighbour.
It’s interesting how the side that constantly loses the popular vote still has a really hard time believing they could have possibly lost. Hope you signed up for the recurring fundraising schemes. Gotta fun Trump’s big American They Robbed Me tour. I think he’s actually going to enjoy it. He won’t have to worry about the politics and he’ll get to play the victim and he’ll earn a good living selling out big joints.
Okay, I’ll shut up for now. Until the next one!
7/11 2020
—
.
“Wheeee”
– the people
7/11 2020
—
.
Time to get rid of the infestation
7/11 2020
—
.
How many snowflakes does it take to change the world?
WE’RE STILL COUNTING!
7/11 2020
—
.
Yes, do pray for America.
I think it would have been more effective if you hadn’t spent 4 years worshipping the antithesis of all that’s good and divine first. But it can’t hurt. We all want the best for America, however we go about it.
8/11 2020
—
.
I should probably post some goat stuff, eh?
Here’s Lily loving Lasse.
8/11 2020
—
.
I mean yes, it will be great to have a dog in the White house again. But we all know that America won’t be ready to heal again until there’s a goat in the White House.
I’m not necessarily talking about a president who keeps goats. Just a goat breaking in would be good enough for me.
8/11 2020
—
.
Yeah, thinking back to Trump onstage mocking a disabled person…
What a differerence [WE’RE STILL COUNTING] days make. Imagine a president (elect) making a speech and being inclusive of people of all kinds of colours, abilities, sexualities, genders, religions. Instead of mocking nicknames and race baiting.
8/11 2020
—
.
Today will be a good day. Happy Funday everyone.
8/11 2020
—
.
Don’t worry, socialism will go away by itself in the summer
8/11 2020
—
.
Mia, that’s .. that’s not how you use a bench.
8/11 2020
—
.
Rest in peace Alex Trebek. I have never watched a single episode of American Jeopardy, but I still loved the guy from countless funny clips, interviews and parodies. Even without having watched the show I still feel like I knew him. Bummer.
8/11 2020
—
.
Halrightey then. I think I’ll start retiring for the day.
It will be interesting to see what the coming days will bring. I’m noting that my Republican friends are posting hilarious memes about dead people voting etc. Which makes me happy. Because I’m glad you haven’t lost your sense of humour. And I’m glad you’re posting memes and not evidence of election fraud. Apparently there’s none of that to post? So keep the memes coming!
Once Trump concedes the election I’ll concede the shirtposting and get back to all goats all the time. Hope you stocked up on liberal tears to get you through the next 4 years! Maybe we can supply some tears of joy if you need them. After 4 years of “fuck your feelings, snowflake” you have to let us have a little fun right now too.
And I gotta give props to Trump. He finally got the whole world to cheer for America again. Except for North Kora and Russia and those kinds of countries. You know, the ones Trump let murder American journalists and put prices on American troops’ heads.
And props for ending it all in a landscaping company’s parking lot, next to a dildo store. *chef’s kiss*
Btw, you can’t tell us that you didn’t riot when you lost, when you’re also not accepting that you lost yet.
Okay, I’m done. See you in the parking lot. Four more seasons, four more seasons!
8/11 2020
—
.
.
—
That’s all for now.