I think we are getting close to the end now. I can barely make out the text. Abd my rught eye is dead. And I mean completely dead. There’s nothing left. I’m not sure when it happened. I was lying in bed today, for 3-4 hours I gues, listening to the radio and thinking of the past. And the sun was shining through the window. And I realized that there was nothing left on the right eye. It’s been virtually useless for a long time, but there was still something left. I could see bright light sometimes and there was a tiny bit of peripheral vision left. But that’s all gone. Now there is only blackness. I shined a light in it and not the tinist bit of light came through anywhere. Completely blind.

I don’t know how much of a difference it will make, since it was virtually useless anyway. But that little bit of peripheral vision did make a difference. It made my field of vision feel bigger than it actually was, it made it feel like I could see with both eyes evem thpigh 99 percent was the left eye.Now it is very apparent that I am only seeing with one eye. It does feel like my field of vision has been halved.

It’s not good. And it makes it hard to believe that I’m not going to end up completely blind. I thought it was stable in it’s almost uselesness, I thought I’d probably end up almost blind with a little bad vision left. But now it seems that it’s just going to get worse and worse until I am completely blind. That is how it’s going to end up,. It’s a hard thought to deal with. Even though things are horrible right now,it’s still much better than being completely blind. It’s such a nightmare, and there is no way to stop it.

A couple of days ago I woke up with a ringing in my left eear. , It lasted for hours I think. It’s gone now. But it wouldn’t surprise me if my ears will die too. Right now the only escape from the blindness is lying in bed and closing my eyes. All I need is some tinnitus to rob me off even that peace. All I need.

I was at the hospital on Wednesday. Had my eyes checked. There was a little new. The doc said that the lens in my left eye was getting unclear. Cloudy. or something. He said they would probably want to replace the lens. Give my eye a little more time to settle first, bu then they would probably want to do it. It didn’t sound like I should have high hopes for it. But who knows. maybe replacing the lens can have some positive effects, Maybe I will be able to see again. maybe I will not go blind.

He did also say that the eye look good. The retina, the effects of the surgeries. He said it was settling nicely. Which doesn’t help much when I can barely see of course, but it was good for the future, for things not gertting worse. He said. But I hve a hard time believing it. It all seems to be heading one way…

I am trying to keep my spirits up. It is hard.

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